Boyfriend is kind of making me feel bad about my past…

[EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge]

Hi!

So I trued to find other threads about this first, but none of them really fit my situation, so I thought I’d just ask.

So lately my boyfriend has been making comment about our relationship / about my past.
I was a virgin before him, and I’m ”late to the game” and he’s now saying that I’m going to regret only being with one person, how I’m going to want other people at some point, do different things and that I should have had other’s in the past and he pretty much said it wasn’t normal to be inexperienced at my age. These kind of things.

Now, I have never said anything about any of this, I don’t care about other’s and I’ve been fine with everything.
I did try and lightening the mood by saying that he hadnt’t open the door to some magic world of sex that I now have to go and explore 😅 but I don’t think it went so well.

Everything was fine before this, it’s been about a minth now with these comments and they starting to make me bit upset.
More so the comments of my past (well the lack there of….)

Tell him it's over and you DO want to go and explore other men😆😆😆

No, no!
I have no interest to go and explore with other men, I’m very happy the sex life I have now, thank you.

get rid and find partner number 2

I get that you believe that - so did I. But actually when I look back my ex took advantage of my inexperience and I didn’t know it was happening because I’d never been in the position before. I thought he was great and he wasn’t.

please just do some reading about red flags, even if you don’t believe people on this thread, we aren’t saying this stuff for fun or because we hate men or whatever. It’s because we’ve experienced these things for ourselves. Don’t just dismiss the advice you’ve been getting out of hand because
you don’t like what you’re hearing or you don’t think your boyfriend is like that. I did that and I regretted it

It’s not about the sex you get from him. It’s about the shit you get from him. It doesn’t matter how Earth-shattering and satisfying your sex-life is with a man (you admitted it’s nothing remarkable) But if he starts giving you shit, it’s time to think about your next step.

What he really means is, he's fucking other women.

Obviously this will hugely extend his sexual expertise for your benefit so you should just be humbly grateful. Reelly.

Hi OP,

Virgin until 30 here; I'm now 56.

I waited until I was ready, or thought I was ready. It was with my now ex-fiance who said similar things to me as your bf, which was pure manipulation. I got the "you'll probably wonder what you're missing" and the "how do you even know if you'll like sex?" until I gave in.

But what really fucked with my head was the toxic bond that having sex with "my first love" created and made it so much harder to leave the relationship when he cheated on me.

For him to keep bringing it up especially knowing how much it bothers you, is worrisome and manipulative. Like - how are you even supposed to respond? Do you agree with him and suggest getting some experience under your belt? I agree with an above poster who said this was a manipulation technique and the precursor to cheating.

@HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed

“It was long talk and he did apologize and we’re going to move on from this.”

This. This is good.

I’m glad you felt comfortable enough and able to talk to him about it and he is decent enough to explain/clarify and hopefully he’s put your mind at ease that it wasn’t said/done in malice and won’t, in the future, go into that much detail about your past/private live with his mates. Hopefully you’ve put his mind at ease about not wanting to sleep with others.

Personally I don’t see controlling/narc/abusive behaviour in what he’s done. More he’s opened his mouth without thinking. But I would if he does it again after your chat. Because then it would be intentional.

Sorry, my post was for the OP @EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge not HerReputation..

You call him 'kind', but he's a dick. You deserve better.

Nobody that is worth your time and love will make you feel bad / ashamed / insert here, about your past. Its your life that you've lived and the only person whose concern it is, is yours.

Fuck him - into the bin.

One thing to remember is that quite often Mumsnet is a hammer that sees everything as a nail.

Your situation is actually very similar to that of my wife and I. I was 40 when we started dating, and prior to her, I had only been with two other women...my ex-wife, and a long term school girlfriend.

My wife on the other hand has been with several times that many. She had sowed her wild oats as it were. My lack of partners was very much a topic of conversation with her and her friends, and it was a concern of hers. I mean, it is kind of noteworthy, especially in todays day and age for someone to have so few partners. Nothing inherently wrong with it, but it is out of the ordinary.

Her concern was that after we started to move beyond the newness of our relationship, that I would be wondering what else was out there, what other experiences I wanted to have, which to be honest, seems like a valid concern to me.

She was very sure of where she was sexually, and through her eyes, and how she approaches sex, I was very different, and she wanted to suss out if we were going to be compatible because she did not want to build a relationship only to have me flake out at some point because I suddenly wanted to find out what I was missing.

It took her some time to really understand the differences we had when it comes to how we approached sex because it was something completely foreign to her. Sometimes it takes a while to understand something completely new.

And if you read enough around here, and other places, it is not uncommon for people to hit a point where they do start to wonder what they missed, even if the relationship is good, even if they did not feel that way earlier in the relationship.

I cannot believe he told his friends because it just came up in conversation? Sure, of course it did! That’s so inappropriate.

I had this was an ex. Couldn’t understand why I was a virgin until 22 etc and in the end he pushed me away as it’s their own insecurities coming through, scared you’ll run off, I’ve had 3 sexual partners at age 27 and I do not need to ‘explore’ other people and it wouldn’t cross and hasn’t ever crossed my DPs mind to suggest this. You need to have a chat with him, tell him how he’s making you feel and where is this all coming from? If he won’t take it on board or keeps on I’d be looking to end things. He’s got some major insecurity or he’s looking to go elsewhere

@dramalessllama
Do you agree with him and suggest getting some experience under your belt?

No, I have absolutely no interest to go and sleep with others.
And have now told him as much, so if this was he’s worry, hopefully he can let go of that though.

@DatingDinosaur
hopefully he’s put your mind at ease that it wasn’t said/done in malice

Yes, I don’t think he meant to be hurtful and honestly I wouldn’t have even register the comments until he said it was weird that I’ve never been with anyone before (that was a sore spot, and was one of the things I explained that I don’t want any more comments about, it is what is and let’s move on).

@samyeagar

Thank you for the comment.
Is it too personal to ask if your wife finally settled to the though that you were fine with how many you’ve been with?
Or have you had feeling of missing out?

Totally understand if you don’t want to answer.

Maybe I’m silly, but I’m not really understanding what do they have to be insecure about?

If someone were to be insecure, wouldn’t be the one with less experience, wondering if they’re good enough, if the one with the experience might be compering us etc…

Like, I’m not going to lie, in the very beginning I did have some of these worries for a tiny bit, but then things were so good and kept miving forwards so all thise thoughts just faded away soon.

We're 10 years together now, and I think she's quite comfortable now, and I have never had any desire to go see what I was missing, because, well, I don't feel as if I have missed anything. I am quite happy with what I have.

Now that siad, I don't think she actually understads it, but she doesnt have to does she? She just has to accept it.

I also had my own concerns early on. About the only similarity between me and her previous relationships was that I was male. My biggest concern was that all her previous relationships were abusive, and she did the on again off again dance, and I was concerned that she would struggle with stability, and not feeling the constant fight or flight hormone cocktail, and eventually get bored.

But these were all conversations we had to have, but neither of us approached them defensively, and we assumed the best rather than malice.

We had very different life experiences and approached things differently beecause of that. It was a learning process for sure, and in the end, I don't think either of us have ever been happier.

He's a patronising g-it.

Wether you will ever be able to trust him again is something for you to think about and wether, most importantly you could ever be happy with him again.

It's completely up to you if you stay with him, he sounds like he has the maturity of a de-ranged gnat.

It’s the not knowing if they’re ‘good enough’ for you. You have no experience to compare it to, it’s very silly but a real thing. He probably doesn’t know how to express that’s he’s worried you may not be satisfied with him alone for the next x amount of years and may run off with someone else. You need to get to the bottom of why he’s asking you these things and reassure him you won’t stray but if he persists then perhaps you don’t have a future.

You know my partner was the most inexperienced sexual partner ever when I met him (at 40). His lack of past has never been discussed and I know he has landed on his feet with me because I'm a fantastic shag. Extrapolating from my experience I'd say your boyfriend knows that he is a shit shag and that eventually you'll look elsewhere. Is he right that he's lousy?
Do you have orgasms together? Does he make effort with you?
No? He knows this?

Leave him.

Maybe he is trying to edge out of the relationship by saying that you need more experience ,and that it is unfair to deny you the opportunity to gain more experience.

Whatever the motive, you don't have to stay with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway. He may just be one of several frogs that you kiss before you find your prince.

It may be time to toss him back into the lily pond for some sensitivity training while you look for your next prince.

I just want to say that it started with him just asking that if I was okey with only being with one person, I said all is fine - and that I have no interest in others.
That was it, it didn’t seem malicious (few of you made it sound like this is the beginning of contoling behaviour).
It sounds like the start of controlling behaviour because ... it is the start of controlling behaviour.

And later on it started to be more statements rather than asking.
Wh0TF is he to be making any statements about your personal history?

It’s not all the time, and I actually thought that he let it go, until yesterday he said the thing about me being virgin for such a late age.
That was the one that did hurt me and what prompted me to come here.
He's negging you. He's trying to make you feel 'lesser', so you try harder to please him. He's setting himself up as the arbiter of what is 'normal' so that you look to him as your authority in all things sexual.

He has seriously been so kind and lovely otherwise, it just these comments, I swear he has been so amazing and I really fallen for him.
"Just these comments" show that he primarily views you as a sex object, so this is where is is going to begin his campaign of undermining you.
ALL abusers are "kind & lovely otherwise". Or they would never reel anyone in.
It becomes an endless cycle of nice/nasty, with the nasty becoming more prevalent a he ramps up his abuse & power.

He's trying to be some kind of sexual pygmalion to you & it's seriously creepy.
He is fetishing your recent virginity & using it to control you with.
Please don't stay with him OP.

And apparently the reason why he has brought up the virginity thing was because he had told his friends I was one and they ”couldn’t believe it” (whatever that means).
This did make a bit sad, I don’t think it was their business and told him that and ask did he doubt that (Sorry TMI: I don’t know how he could, let’s just say it was pretty difficult to - you know - get things going at few first tries.)
For crying out loud OP.
He is a lowlife.
How DARE he disclose your personal info? Serve you up as a titillating little tidbit for his mates to perve over?

It was long talk and he did apologize and we’re going to move on from this.
What?
How can you 'move on' from the fact that you are his fetish object?
That he brags about his sex life with you to his friends?
How does him mouthing the words 'I'm sorry' make any of that less appalling?

Please read Samphire's post again OP.

And again, & again, & again, until you get it.

Your man doesn;t see you as an equal partner - he sees you as an expension of his penis. He served you up on a platter to his mates, to big himself up.
NOBODY WHO CARES ABOUT YOU WOULD DO THAT. Decent men don't do that. Leave him.

extension not expension!