Boyfriend is kind of making me feel bad about my past…

[EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge]

Hi!

So I trued to find other threads about this first, but none of them really fit my situation, so I thought I’d just ask.

So lately my boyfriend has been making comment about our relationship / about my past.
I was a virgin before him, and I’m ”late to the game” and he’s now saying that I’m going to regret only being with one person, how I’m going to want other people at some point, do different things and that I should have had other’s in the past and he pretty much said it wasn’t normal to be inexperienced at my age. These kind of things.

Now, I have never said anything about any of this, I don’t care about other’s and I’ve been fine with everything.
I did try and lightening the mood by saying that he hadnt’t open the door to some magic world of sex that I now have to go and explore 😅 but I don’t think it went so well.

Everything was fine before this, it’s been about a minth now with these comments and they starting to make me bit upset.
More so the comments of my past (well the lack there of….)

Have you asked him why he keeps bringing it up? I think Mumsnetters are trying to work out if it’s ‘begging’ - so a cjj on strolling thing or is it an insecurity issue on his behalf where he thinks you might want to experiment down the line and will leave him.

‘Negging’ - so a controlling thing

They were talking about sex / sexlife, and my lack of experience came up in that conversation

Try to imagine the conversation between a group of men in which your virginity might "just come up".

You're just wee babbie..

Get out from.under this weight, it'll drag ye down and drown ye before you notice.

Read your updates.
I'd still dump him.
Honestly, you could do so much better.
He's insecure, indiscreet and controlling. Move on.

Well done OP for having the honest conversation with him. It sounds like you made good progress with your relationship.

I'm not on the bandwagon of dump now BUT if he ever mentions this shot again, know he does it to upset you on purpose.

I'm actually a bit mixed. I have been with my husband for a long time and he is my only sexual partner, I don't think he's ever asked about my wish to explore sexual partners BUT I remember saying to him that sex was really good with him and he did ask "Well how do you know?" The answer is fairly basic, if you know, you know. I don't need to try out every sweet in the shop to know if I enjoy the one I have.

I don't think he should be telling friends about your virginity either, (I'm very private) but I know a lot of my friends talk about things like this and I don't think it comes from a bad place (with them).

The biggest problem is his insecurity about it all.

God you’re right 🤢

I had an abusive partner who would use things from my past before I met him as sticks to beat me with. I think it was because I could never change the past (even if I'd wanted to, which I didn't). For him that meant I could never be redeemed and therefore always in a position to be criticised, demeaned. I think he was seeing how far he could push me into apologising for my past/ for who I was/ for being a woman (lots of dodgy bullshit misogynist Catholic guilt crap mixed in) to control me more and more.

That shithead is an ex.

This!

And your "magic world of sex" line was brilliant 🤩

He's talking about your virginity with his friends?

He's scum.

You have a very low bar OP and must be very vulnerable at 27 to not realise how absolutely awful this is, and what a little low life you are with.

You desperately need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you establish healthy boundaries.

You are ripe for an abusive relationship if you don't.

I have absolutely no doubt that this will not be the last time you question this relationship.

He's scum, absolute scum, and you will bitterly regret tolerating him in the not too distant future.

He has shown you who he is, low life, believe him.

Decent ment do NOT behave like this.
They know better.

He shouldn’t be discussing your virginity with his friends. That’s private. If he telling them deeply personal information about himself? Eg sexual insecurities. I highly doubt it.
Not so long ago it was totally usual for your first sexual partner to be your spouse.
In a loving relationship sex is about building your connection and bonding. Both partners wanting to please each other. The previous sexual partners are in the past.
He needs to be clear in his mind that he is committed to you. If you are happy to move on with this then go for it.
I would also say in each relationship before you finally commit you learn something about what is and is not acceptable to you. For me, long ago, it was that my then boyfriend (I was in my early 20s) would not hold my hand in public.

^^ This I'm afraid, OP. No question.

Imagine if there was something unexpected about him sexually. Erectile disfunction, massive penis, only one ball, enjoys pegging, whatever.

can you imagine chatting with your mates and letting them all know? And then feeding back to him that they can’t believe that about him. Making him feel bad that eventually he’s going to want someone else because if that unexpected thing.

I bet he's feeling weird about turning 30 and this is how his subconscious is projecting. When he turns 30 and realises that it's not this massive thing to be scared of I bet he goes back to normal.

He sounds very insecure. I would tread carefully.

So you start a thread, complaining about something that clearly upset you, yet you are still defending him. I know people are not just black and white. He probably has some endearing qualities too, but the fact he discusses your sex life with his friends is a massive red flag. He goes behind your back and talks about the most intimate area of your life to those losers who probably laugh at you is just insane. He is making you a laughing stock and a target. He is scum.
Discussing another one’s sex life in public - even if it’s something positive - is nasty and immature. It’s nobody else’s business.

But my friends talk about their sex lives too.
I’ve been told some seriously intimate details, no one bats an eye.

Then maybe you should stop.

My now husband had only had sex once with one person (one night stand type thing at uni) before me. We were 21 and I had been in a long term relationship from 15-20 and then had a bit of a wild period between him and DH, so I'd slept with about ten men to his one woman. It's never been an issue and I've never thought he would regret not shagging more women tbh and he's certainly never said anything to make me think he would.

Sounds like your boyfriends problem and not yours. And there's no "should have" about any of this btw. You did what was right for you. Don't listen to it.

So if you hear about somebody else’s sex life discussed and gossiped, then it’s okay, right? But the moment yours is being analysed, it is not okay then?

Grim that he told his friends. I think if he saw you as a keeper he'd be more discreet and more grateful that you had chosen him as your first.

Huh?

I think you misunderstood, some comments were saying my bf is gross for talking about sex and I just said thet my friends do too - I thought it was normal these days.

He's horrible and it's very clear from the outside but I guess you're going to have to find that out slowly and painfully. What a nasty introduction to the world of sexual relationships

"I did try and lightening the mood by saying that he hadnt’t open the door to some magic world of sex that I now have to go and explore 😅 but I don’t think it went so well."

This, combined with the fact that he'd been discussed your lack of experience with his mates would be enough for me to tell him to do one. He sounds like he's a teenager, not a 30 year old.

a) sharing your private life is not on. I'm angry on your behalf. If he wants to talk to his mates about how many women he's slept with, fine, but to share your personal information. Nah! That's outrageous.
b) if you haven't discovered a "magic world of sex", then I have to say, he doesn't sound very good at it!

I say this with the benefit of age and experience... I was with someone from the age of 17 until 22. He was my first and we were engaged. He used to make comments about me not having been with anyone else before him.

We split up (for a number of reasons) and I started having the "fun" that your boyfriend thinks you want. I soon discovered that my ex was actually a very shit lover and it did open my eyes to how great sex actually could be!