How do you cope when someone goes NC with you?

[Honeynutcheerios]

I was very very very close to my brother growing up. We had a fall-out a few years ago that I think was mutually hurtful/we were both to blame. I have reached out to him so, so many times and he has not responded once. I have never met his child, he has never met 2 of mine and is my eldest godfather and hasn’t seen him in years. I even apologised despite thinking it was both of us, I took the blame and still nothing back. I reached out to him once when my child was gravely ill, hoping for support and still nothing, which I find very hard to forhive. I am usually angry about it, rather than front up to how much it hurts, but today I saw him in the street (and he saw me, I was in the car) and it hurts. It’s like being dumped, but worse in many ways.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

I had to think of them as dead and stopped talking about them, removed all reminders of them. Distanced myself from anything that might remind me. Built my own connections with other people, focused on my own family. I didn't let myself think about them and if I'm asked I gloss over it and give a very brief socially accepted version of the truth and change the subject. I knew if they wanted to speak they could reach me easily and I just left it. It hurt for years but time is a great healer. Just don't dwell on it. The memories are a distant dream of someone else of another time and it's gone.

It sort of set me free to realise that what I was missing was the idea of them, was what they were or could have been rather than who they now are and it was a sort of grieving for losing that past person or in the case of others I went NC with, that they were never what I needed and what I'm sad about is the idea of what we could have been. So realise, he isn't the same brother you knew. The person you are missing is in a way dead. It took me years to get to a place where I don't cry at the mere mention of them. I was a mess. I still have bad days when I miss them but they are a few times a year, key dates and that sort of thing.
You've done all you can, you've extended the olive branch. You both need to want to be in touch. He isn't ready to forgive so ... let him go.

I could have written your post. My brother hasn’t spoken to me for two years after I said his father in laws comments about the IRA being ‘hero’s’ were offensive (I apparently upset his wife).
It has been horrendous. I ended up in counselling. I have been so upset with my mother too for not sticking up for me and my dad (he isn’t speaking to him either). I also haven’t seen my nephew and new niece. It basically has destroyed our family.
I cope by pretending they just don’t exist. But I am easily triggered- particularly if he phones when I am with my mum or when she has been round playing happy families with them.
I just take each day as it comes and have now decided he is just a narcissist incapable of anyone criticising him.

Oh my god this is so similar to my entire situation!

im very sorry @Janedoe82 and @GregariousGregory i really appreciate the advice, thank you

Move on, I stopped talking to my sister 2 and a half years ago and still still won’t accept it and turns up at my house (I never answer the door) move on people are allowed to not want to speak to you again , best thing you can do is accept it

One of my relatives is NC with me because I'm NC with someone else. Just move on with life and wait to see if they or you grow, change, and get to a point where you can both spend time together/have a relationship again. Take up a new hobby. Fill your life with other joys.

Spinning- unless she did something devastating I think unresolved conflict is awful for everyone causing long term health issues. In some cases it is even abusive ‘I am going to punish you for saying something I didn’t like’
I think in my brothers case he just doesn’t have the mental capacity to be able to take any level of criticism, and rather than work through that he has been, essentially, an idiot. It has broken my father who devoted his life to providing (and in fact spoiling him).

People can go no contact for whatever reason they want.

Yes- they can. But it is completely unhealthy if it is because they themselves have issues and are blaming someone else. They should get help for that rather than destroy someone else.
As someone on the receiving end of the NC I can honestly say that the way my brother and his wife have treated my father and I is utterly evil and deplorable. My mother only speaks to them as she is afraid if she says anything they won’t let her see her grand children. Why would anyone who is a good person do that to their family?

My mother actually had a break down over their behaviour. So yes- you can go ‘no contact’ for whatever reason you want but there are consequences.
It has been like a bereavement.

I don’t know about your situation but I’m sure my sister tells people that I’ve stopped talking to her for no reason ime People usually go NC as a last straw not just for silly things

I agree I think scything someone out is a new thing/very unhealthy! Particularly for these sorts of trivial reasons.

your situation is honestly uncanny my brother is the same - golden child and unable to be criticised and totally enabled by our mother

They can but it’s pretty extreme. A usual response to a dispute is just to speak a couple of times a year and at Christmas or something. Not to break an entire family apart. My brother is also NC with another of my siblings

I just don’t understand cutting someone off forever!

Yes- has been enabled by my mother from the day and hour he was born.
he isn’t speaking to my dad as he stuck up for me.

Yes- to not speak to your sibling ever again as they hurt your feelings is just so awful. And emotionally delayed.

Depends what the person have done, some people are abusive not saying that’s the case here but some of us have good reason to go NC

Some people MAY be abusive, but equally other may just know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way or be able to empathetic to someone else’s point of view.

I’ve already said I don’t know your situation you don’t have to keep responding to me though I’ve said some people are abusive and that’s why they’ve been cut off, if that doesn’t apply to you then no need to comment on it, it’s not aimed at you

@Janedoe82 Youre kind of projecting onto the posters. They’re not your family.

I am nc with family members due to domestic violence and abuse, can’t cope with it and I’m allowed to have a life without pretending that the people that abused are my ‘happy family.’

''@Janedoe82 · Today 16:39
Yes- they can. But it is completely unhealthy if it is because they themselves have issues and are blaming someone else. They should get help for that rather than destroy someone else. As someone on the receiving end of the NC I can honestly say that the way my brother and his wife have treated my father and I is utterly evil and deplorable. My mother only speaks to them as she is afraid if she says anything they won’t let her see her grand children. Why would anyone who is a good person do that to their family?''

This is a bit simplistic.

People who go no contact more often than not have very good reasons for doing so and choose to do this to protect their mental and physical health.

I cut all ties with my relatives because of childhood neglect and abuse and because they tried to involve me in illegal activities.

I can assure you that I am not the one with ''issues'' and that the blame falls on the adults who chose to hurt me when I was a vulnerable kid, not on me...

I think it goes without saying that abuse, neglect etc are all a bit different

my situation is a close and happy family where one person just scythes other people out for, effectively, an argument. Seems like your situation too @Janedoe82 . In my case my brother got drunk and insulted my husband so I told him to F off. Is that worth not being spoken to for several years? Not to me. And then it becomes a situation where the punishment is worse than the crime and I don’t see how I could ever move on from this now even if he came knocking.

Well in my situation I can honestly say it is case of my brother and his wife just being horrible people. I am not delusional and ignoring stuff I have done. They aren’t speaking to a number of people they have taken ‘offence’ at. Seems to be how they deal with any kind of criticism.