How do you cope when someone goes NC with you?

[Honeynutcheerios]

I was very very very close to my brother growing up. We had a fall-out a few years ago that I think was mutually hurtful/we were both to blame. I have reached out to him so, so many times and he has not responded once. I have never met his child, he has never met 2 of mine and is my eldest godfather and hasn’t seen him in years. I even apologised despite thinking it was both of us, I took the blame and still nothing back. I reached out to him once when my child was gravely ill, hoping for support and still nothing, which I find very hard to forhive. I am usually angry about it, rather than front up to how much it hurts, but today I saw him in the street (and he saw me, I was in the car) and it hurts. It’s like being dumped, but worse in many ways.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

If she talked to you would you be able to move on from the silence?

Sorry to read that OldTin thats so hard x

Yes, if she were prepared to talk, I'd be so desperate to settle for just some small clue that she understood she'd hurt me.
I am not demanding an apology. That has less value really than genuine insight in to the fact that she has the power to hurt me. I think she has a very low self esteem but she doesn't realise that because being right and being in control and being defensive protect her from thinking things through.
I never had that built in protection. I am less defensive blame myself too readily anyway, I dont need to control my teens.. I Dont think she realises she is controlling. Instead she thinks I'm insane, angry, emotional et cetera et cetera
But yeh, I would talk to her but she is not talking to me .... so not my choice right now.

My brother wasn't abusive, but it coincided with me putting my foot down and refusing to pander to him any longer. He's spent his whole life falling out with people. As far as I know, he currently only speaks to one family member.

That’s sad. I’m sure you have your reasons, but your sister must feel so desperate to keep turning up like that, not wanting to let your relationship go. It must have meant a lot to her.

It would have to be something unforgivable for me to fall out forever with someone. It is just so unhealthy to leave conflict unresolved.

according to the therapist I saw (who was amazing) the final straw for people can often be something very trivial seeming.

My brother often used to tell people I went NC with him because he called my shoes quirky.

Technically he’s right. That was the comment that snapped the olive branch I was holding forever. However, just the comment doesn’t show the sneery tone, the environment, the history or the fact that it was a very carefully and deliberately picked dig.

Dealing with NC itself is like a bereavement. You mourn the siblings you had before things went awful, and you also mourn the siblings you should have had. The ones you’d have been close with, who have supported you through tough times and then you, and you mourn the siblings you thought you had.

It takes time and it hurts. It does get easier in time. It’s like any loss - it doesn’t hurt less, but life goes so it becomes a smaller part of each day.

It might not have meant a lot to her. It might be the loss of control that means a lot to her.

That’s certainly what drove my brother’s constant turning up on my doorstep.
He only accepted it and stopped when he decided he’d had enough of me and he was falling out with me (which was after several warnings and one arrest by the police).

I'm NC with my inlaws. All that side of the family. It wasn't a particular "thing". It's that their whole
dynamic was a constant drama of behind-the-back bitching, falling out, making up. Bitching, falling out, making up. On a constant loop.

I just suddenly decided to break the loop and not "make up". Resolving the conflict is a massively overrated thing unless you're locked in a small cell with that person forever.

@Wiccan very, very wise words

@xJoy that's a long time. I hope you find a resolution

So many heart breaking stories here. And thank you to all the PPs who commented on my comment! Sorry OP for gate crashing.

My DS's grandfather (my DF) is dying from cancer, his brother has just had major surgery, I've sent texts which show as read to keep DS updated as well as jolly things and asking after him. Just every few months so I'm not swamping him. But nothing.

What do you do? Reach out now and then or just give up? I only refer to having one son now, not two. It is like he's died and somehow that's easier than the truth.

There are as many different reasons as there are people. Some will be incredibly important NC for safety, some will be because of emotional abuse, others because of constant clashing and others because of less understandable reasons.
I’m sure your reasons were wise, just like I sympathise with those who have lost family for reasons that should have been resolvable.

That’s horrific. I’m so so sorry. Do you know he is physically safe? I think my mind would go to drugs/crime etc but it may be much more complicated and difficult than that.

I’ve gone NC with a few family members. It was a very hard decision. A final event that nailed that lid firmly shut. I completely lost it. My mental health was so low and I cried for days. I won’t trust easily again. I don’t regret it. I should have done it sooner.

I am very sorry to all of you that have toxic relations who’ve treated you badly and use NC as a means of control. You don’t deserve that. It sounds terrible.

But some of us that do go NC do it for very good reasons and it’s a last resort.

My sister has gone NC with me and I am lucky that I am just incredibly relieved that she has finally completely done it. I don't actually know why she has made this choice. I was only seeing her once or twice a year before this to keep my poor mother happy but I am absolutely done with all the crap now. She treats my parents appallingly but my mother is scared her contact with her grandchildren will be cut off if she goes NC herself.

That’s a bit of a naive view, tbh. It’s quite likely that the sister is not desperate to maintain a relationship that meant a lot to her, but rather is desperate to maintain control, have it on her terms, be the one who decides whether it’s over or not, to teach the poster a lesson etc.

This is just horrible. I'm so sorry.

Similar happened in my family. My auntie's son rang her on Mother's Day to say he'd be over to see her soon. He didn't show up and then never spoke to her again. No explanation.

But he was crying his bloody eyes out at her funeral a few years later! Stupid twat.

I think going NC without explaining why and also without explaining that an apology will never be enough to heal the rift, is:

1. A form of deliberate abuse , a form of deliberate punishment directed at the other person
2. Emotional atrophy and/or lack of emotional maturity and ack of emotional intelligence
3. Fear. Fear of dealing with the situation, fear of it happening again, fear of setting off more arguments and challenges + a profound lack of self belief and confidence

Or a simple unwillingness to deal with the toxicity and abuse any longer

Ok so NC is so painful because it is effectively the ‘silent treatment’. This activates the part of our brain that feels abandonment which is extremely emotionally painful.
it is also so difficult when we perceive we are out of control (ie your brother has the control as he is not responding).

I have been dumped by a sibling before and it caused me sleepless nights for a while BUT you have to give up trying to control the situation. Read into abandonment issues and try to build your strength back up. Set boundaries with people in your life including your brother - you are worthy of being treated better than he is treating you. Acceptance will only come in time and with improved self worth.

remember different things can all exist at once. You are entitled to feel grief and abandonment. Your brother is entitled to have contact with whom ever he wants. It cannot be forced it can only be accepted. Your brothers opinion of you is not indicative of who you are. Try to seek out emotional fulfilment from the people in your life who value you, accept you and love you.

it is so hard and you have my sympathy. Xx

People don’t go NC with family based on one trivial incident. It’s from a pattern of behaviour over a long period of time and that one incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

you need to recognise the relationship is over, like a death ending things.

4 Self protection. Unwilling to give the other person one more chance to go on the attack.

5 Pointless. If you know it won’t be heard or listened to anyway then it’s pointless putting yourself through it.

It’s very interesting that your reasons for it all suggest a flaw or immaturity or lack of intelligence on the part of the going NC.

Thank you for this insight - interesting

Some people don’t go NC over trivial things. Some people so as they have their own issues and, as a PP said, can’t deal with things or are being abusive in a way themselves.

i recently didn’t go to a wedding and one of the reasons was I would be sitting on a table with my brother. My mother said “don’t worry it’s not like with your other brother who this one won’t go if he’s going - Db will definitely go if you’re going I think he will one day speak to you again” as if I was so so lucky to be finally spoken to. I think he probably would have spoken to me as he has form for ignoring for years then just acting like nothing has happened (he’s done with my mother too). I didn’t go as it was hours away and I have small children but it was a considering factor, not wanting to go and be faced with this horrible situation and atmosphere.

the thing is I just don’t know how what I would or should do. In lots of ways I would not want to speak to my brother again because he has hurt me so, so deeply. But on the other hand I would feel so childish and probably regret it if I had the chance to make up and didn’t. But is that unhealthy?

i am sad for everyone who is going through the same and it’s nice to have people here who can discuss together

everyone is free to contribute as they wish but this thread is more for people who have been gone NC with - I think some comments are quite defensive and unhelpful from people who have gone NC. I’m sure everyone has their valid reasons on here but in my situation for example I can’t see a single valid reason and no one has explained it to me and that is cruel and hard to live with. The assumption that it must have been the final straw is not correct either, for me or a few other posters on here I think.

No she comes up drunk kicking off and shouting through my door and the last time she came she came to beat me up in front of my kids so no I won’t be opening the door, sometimes it’s for safety reasons she has been physically abusive to me in the past.

Also I won’t be explaining anything to her she knows why we don’t speak she is very aware of why we don’t speak she just doesn’t like that she no longer has control over me like pp said, I’m actually scared of her due to past violent abuse I’ve now installed a ring door bell in case she turns up again, if she wanted to talk like a normal person she would come in the day (wouldn’t be welcome and I still would have nothing to say to her ) but would be the normal thing to do, why come up at midnight when you know someone has small children? It’s because she’s been drinking I don’t want a drunk aggressive person at my door. She has never come in the day and I’m a SAHM so she knows I will most likely be in but she never has, my dad said it’s so there’s no witnesses