How do you cope when someone goes NC with you?

[Honeynutcheerios]

I was very very very close to my brother growing up. We had a fall-out a few years ago that I think was mutually hurtful/we were both to blame. I have reached out to him so, so many times and he has not responded once. I have never met his child, he has never met 2 of mine and is my eldest godfather and hasn’t seen him in years. I even apologised despite thinking it was both of us, I took the blame and still nothing back. I reached out to him once when my child was gravely ill, hoping for support and still nothing, which I find very hard to forhive. I am usually angry about it, rather than front up to how much it hurts, but today I saw him in the street (and he saw me, I was in the car) and it hurts. It’s like being dumped, but worse in many ways.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

I love the person who has gone NC with me very, very much. As long as they are well and happy I can be at peace. I would like to be of help and support to them, but they don't want that. I am not the only person they have gone NC with, so I think it's probably "them, not me" but it doesn't stop me going over and over what I might have said or done to make them want to banish me from their life. Sadly they don't seem to have any other support system on place. If they'd found other people to be their surrogate family, or found a partner that would be wonderful. It's not about me being OK, I want them to be OK and I don't know if they are. It's very painful.

If you know your brother is OK, try to be content with that.

Honeynutcheerios Yes- very similar. Massive mountain out of a molehill but rather than address it chooses to just be vile instead.
Believe you me- if my mother thought I had done something on him that was deserving of this she wouldn’t have held back in telling me.

Fair enough. I’ll bow out of this thread. All the best everyone.

In my experience of going NC it was a very difficult decision and one I made to save my own mental health. I do feel it is never black and white - yes, the person going NC may be immature but it is just as likely (probably more so) that the person going NC has had enough of the dysfunction and toxicity of the relationship. Some people have very little self-awareness of how their actions impact others, and are quick to turn around and act the victim when they are left on their tod.

Just let it go - you cannot force someone to be in your life and you are responsible for managing your own mental health in the new status quo.

You are being too simplistic-if your brother insulted your husband when drunk, maybe his insult was valid and it decided he didn't want to put up with it anymore?

There are always layers to every situation. And I would guess your family has some complicated dynamics for this split to have fractured your relationship like this.

Or her brother might just be like mine- an egotistical twat 🙈

Or he might be a product of a dysfunctional upbringing the same as op?

Happy, secure people don't go nc because someone told them to fuck off.

Oh yes- my brother definitely has issues. I don’t dispute that. He has been over indulged and enabled his whole life. I genuinely do think he is a narcissist- which is learnt behaviour. And he has now married someone who is very similar and with issues too.

Yes, our upbringing was highly dysfunctional and he’s a very damaged individual. There is much jealousy aimed at my husband, who is a gentle and kind man. Everyone but me drinks heavily in my family and there is certainly a little club where they all like to have long boozy lunches I’m never invited to and bitch about things.

all of the above is why I tried repeatedly to reach out. I have had therapy and found a lot of peace/been lucky with my DH so I tried very hard to be understanding; be the bigger person and shoulder the brain, seeing him as damaged etc. however now I just revert again to the more simplistic “he’s a dick”. It’s hard not to when, as I say, he did things like ignore my son being at death’s door.

there’s nothing I can do about it now anyway, just it was very hard seeing him today because it does hurt

My point is- sometimes people go NC rather than address or reflect on their own issues that the person they are upset with raise.

OP- one of the things that helped me the most was my best friend- who is very truthful and works in a relevant field, saying ‘do not blame yourself- sure we have all known for years he is f w’. It really reassured me that I wasn’t this awful person who deserved to be treated as sub human and totally worthless.

Our DD has gone NC with us and we are so relieved that she has because our mental health just couldn't take one more attack from her. There literally isn't one person past or present in her life that she hasn't harmed . We just wish she'd done it sooner.
I have never felt so much peace .

Totally with you. And I also have a similar experience to you and OP. My brother cut all contact with me 3 years ago because I disagreed with him. He refused to talk to me ever again unless I apologised. He's been a real shit about it, making really nasty comments about me on social media and to relatives, and sending me abusive messages when he's drunk.

Thing is, he's an angry, egotistical, greedy and selfish man with a huge drinking problem, but as my little brother I always stuck by him. I let him be rude to my husband (thank god my husband is patient and generous), and let him behave in a way that was detrimental to my family. I put up with so much over many years and never went NC with him. I always thought we could sort it out together. But he's just cut me out (apart from the abusive messages) and by default cut my kids out too.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact we might never have a relationship in the future. And like you said, OP, I'm not even sure I could ever forgive him for cutting me and my children out for years. It's caused me so much pain. Im trying to focus on the fact that he isn't a nice person and the reality is that we are probably better without him in our lives. But at the same time I'm mourning the close relationship I had with my little brother.

What worries me a lot is what will happen as our parents get older and if they ever need care. He literally will not speak to me at all and has blocked my number. I think a lot of this is being led by his wife to be honest.

I went NC with both of my sisters some years ago.
They had colluded with my abusive ex-husband and caused almost irreparable damage to my DC and me.

Instead of apologising to me, they have chosen to be aggrieved because I am not interested in them any more.

It was essential for my own mental health that I cut both of them out of my life.

I had another sister (who died a few years ago) and she found the other two to be spiteful and unkind to her and her family.

It isn't always as simplistic as people think. Sometimes there are people who are damaging their relatives, deliberately and endlessly.

I haven't read the whole thread sorry but this comment from Janedoe82 is very wise. There is someone in my family who has cut off their parent. It is definitely his issue, absolutely no doubt about it.

Yes- I have no doubt I probably triggered something in my brother (that people were upset by his choice in wife/ he had made a mistake- what HE thought not what anyone actually said) and she was upset that her dads comments reflected on her and she felt judged. Who knows. But either way what I said and what they HEARD were not the same thing.

You respect their wishes and get on with your life.

I’m NC with my mum. I’ve asked her not to ever be in touch with me again. She still pops up though. 😩

”I don’t expect to hear from you, but it’s your birthday and I love you and hope you have a great day.”

Or…

”Just thinking of you. Here’s a photo of us from when you were younger that I wanted you to have. Look how cute you were and it was so lovely that we didn’t have all this drama back then.” 🙈

I am NC with her for very good reasons. She is quite psychologically unstable, has met and married a convicted child abuser who sexually abused his own children, and is just manipulative (including quite emotionally abusive to my dc - one of the last times she saw my then 4 year old dd, dd was having a hard time going to bed and mum came flying into her bedroom screaming while I was putting her to sleep, yelling and threatened that if she didn’t go to sleep just then, she was getting on a plane and going home in the morning and wouldn’t come back to see her again…how true that was actually).

You situation may not be so melodramatic, but there’s nothing worse than someone pushing your boundaries when you’ve decided you don’t want a relationship with them. Respect it and craft your life going forward without him. I haven’t heard anything from my only sibling in over 20 years. I don’t even think about him anymore. We’ve both decided we have no desire for a life involving each other and that’s fine.

You can't force someone to talk to you, and wasting energy trying to get them to talk, is draining and won't do you any good, and them being family doesn't mean they have to comply either.

I think he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to talk I'm afraid.

As the person who instigated the NC, you have fuck all idea what it’s like.
🤦‍♀️

So what do you suggest keep forcing someone to try to talk to you? Some very aggressive posters on here and they wonder why their family went no contact with them!

Thanks. yes- it is absolutely psychological torture if not done for a valid reason. The ‘silent treatment’ is known as a form of abuse. It degrades you and makes you feel like you are unlovable and there is something inherently wrong with you.

Can people please read my post properly? I tried to get in touch and I was ignored and I have 0 intention of trying again

I am looking for coping mechanisms to deal with us not speaking again. I am not going to try to get in touch again.

And actually I do know what it’s like as thanks to this family member some of my Family don’t speak to me and I’ve also never met their child but all I can do is accept it and move on you know nothing about me to say I don’t know what it’s like. I just respect their wishes.

I’m sorry to hear of your situation - it’s very hard xx