How do you cope when someone goes NC with you?

[Honeynutcheerios]

I was very very very close to my brother growing up. We had a fall-out a few years ago that I think was mutually hurtful/we were both to blame. I have reached out to him so, so many times and he has not responded once. I have never met his child, he has never met 2 of mine and is my eldest godfather and hasn’t seen him in years. I even apologised despite thinking it was both of us, I took the blame and still nothing back. I reached out to him once when my child was gravely ill, hoping for support and still nothing, which I find very hard to forhive. I am usually angry about it, rather than front up to how much it hurts, but today I saw him in the street (and he saw me, I was in the car) and it hurts. It’s like being dumped, but worse in many ways.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

I’m sorry x

my mother will mark remarks that imply I’m wrong but when asked to explain what I’ve done simply doesn’t have any explanation whatsoever.

Hiya, I have gone NC with my brother. We had a falling out a few years back. He is older than me and he bullied me growing up but we became close when I was in my 20s but then we had a row and it all went sour. Our mother died and we didn't communicate at all, not even at the funeral. He's not met my children either (apart from seeing my 2 month old baby at the funeral). He became abusive again and I had intensive trauma therapy including EMDR. It took about a year for me to completely detach from him emotionally. I rarely think about him. He almost died 2 years ago, was in intensive care for almost a month. Cousins of ours were baffled that I was uninterested. It's not that I want him to die. He's just unimportant to me now. Therapy really really helped.

Honeynutcheerios- yes- he has been allowed to behave exactly as he likes his entire life. Told he is ‘special’ etc. In reality he is a narcissist

@Janedoe82 omg that's awful. I had the same, even though I was having therapy and was slowly slowing beginning to feel less pain, I was told to ''get help''.

Therapy gave me a chance to talk about how I was feeling but it didn’t repair the innate feeling of worthlessness and unlovable ness.

From my experience . Not putting up with the behaviour anymore is when they really go for full on attacks it's relentless .

xJ0y Yes knowing your own mother would rather you took medication than stand up for you was quite the blow.

And guess who cared for her when she was having a breakdown because of this behaviour!

Yes I think that’s it - I can really see that being a common theme on this thread with several posters

my therapist has suggested my brother has BPD

Yes - same here. Unbelievable

yeh because it's feedback. Not even criticism necessarily but just feedback is enough to suggest that they aren't PERFECT and that's uncomfortable, so, rather than sit with a few uncomfortable thoughts and wonder, could I have handled this better, will I do better in the future........... they have to demonise you. You have to be the devil as that's less uncomfortable that sitting with the simple realisation that they've handled things badly.

Same with our DD . They enjoy the fact that you forgive them because you love them but the abuse starts all over again . We had to stop and end the supply . We've had lots of therapy because of her. Our therapist told us that people with BPD cannot be cured , their victims need to be healed .

I think you 'move on' by first examining your own words and motives during the argument. You were defending your DH, well and good. But did you make remarks that he would say were were deeply personally hurtful, drag up the ancient past, or 'assassinate' his character, especially if it was in front of others? I'm not saying you did. I'm just saying to look at it from his perspective, right or wrong. Once you have done that and you have settled in your own mind that you didn't cross any 'uncrossable' lines, you'll be able to start putting some perspective on it and then to move away from it.

One of my friend's sister went NC with her because my friend discovered that she was stealing from their father's bank account. She was doing it by 'padding' expenses, buying things 'for Dad' then later removing them, and by doing 'cash over' and keeping it. The sister went NC with my friend when she arranged an appointment for both of them with the family lawyer and confronted her with the evidence and told her she'd need to pay it all back. The sister went into hysterics , tried to justify her stealing (well, it's our money when he dies anyway) and never spoke to her again. My friend was extremely upset, but finally examined the situation and realized that she never verbally 'crossed any boundaries'. From there she was able to accept the NC wasn't her fault and that it was her sister's way of dealing with her own guilt. She's at peace with it now.

My bil hasn’t spoken to his mum (my mil) for 15 years. Completely nc.

Dh still has a good relationship with his brother, but for a good 3 years after it first happened, they didn’t really speak, as mil would get upset/emotional & ask my dh a hundred questions once she found out they had spoken/met up. Their other sibling doesn’t really have a relationship with him (mil made it quite difficult for sil) and I don’t think he’s seen his nieces & nephews in years.

It’s all very sad really. It’s been so long, I don’t think mil and him will ever speak again. Bil has a lot of resentment towards mil & won’t come to any family functions because she will be there (he didn’t even come to our wedding)

We are all just used to it now, it’s become normal. Dh doesn’t bother trying to hide his relationship like he used to and mil has stopped asking about him.

there is a lot in here that’s helpful - thank you for sharing. I do need to make peace I think with the fact that this is not my fault. But it’s hard because of family dynamics and me always having been treated poorly by my brother and mother. It’s hard to change the mindset when you’ve always been blamed. But ultimately I was not in the wrong/have tried to fix things regardless so so need to “make peace”
with it as you say. It’s not easy though

gosh that must be so so so hard for your MIL.

❤️

I guess if you are respecting that they don’t want to speak that’s fine but no one should be pushing it, I’m ok that my family member doesn’t want to talk to me I respect their wishes, my other family member on the other hand won’t respect my wishes and turns up on my door step in the middle of the night (midnight) waking up my kids and scaring them

My son has gone NC with me. Almost 3yrs now. The last time I saw him, we had a fabulous weekend and he phoned a few days later to say he'd passed his driving test, I loaned him money for the insurance for a car he bought. Then nothing.

He's now gone NC with my parents and his brother. We don't know why. I've reached out with no reply and I don't even know where he lives anymore. He's 22. It's made me quite ill and I have to pretend he's dead as that's easier. I still have all of his belongings here and I cry constantly. I miss him.

That’s utterly acceptable though - I mean it’s harassment

I am so sorry. I am a mother and I can’t even imagine this, without any explanation. Sending you strength

Oldtinhat I am sure you are devastated

I went NC with my dad as he emotionally abused me all my life. Was violent to my mum and I witnessed violence once. I also went NC with my ex best friend as she refused to stick to my boundaries, constantly pushing them and being very entitled.

I know what you're saying. Unfortunately they just see only what they can take from us . Because parents are invested in their kids and society makes us feel bad for walking away from abusive adult children we put up with it until we are emotionally broken .

@OldTinHat that is awful, not to know why. I read somewhere on an american site about family estrangement that the average rift is 4 years and ten months long. That sounds awful but I still have hope that one day it'll all be sorted out............. my mother will talk to me not about me. Although I've given up caring what the relatives/neighbours think. That ship has sailed.