How do you cope when someone goes NC with you?

[Honeynutcheerios]

I was very very very close to my brother growing up. We had a fall-out a few years ago that I think was mutually hurtful/we were both to blame. I have reached out to him so, so many times and he has not responded once. I have never met his child, he has never met 2 of mine and is my eldest godfather and hasn’t seen him in years. I even apologised despite thinking it was both of us, I took the blame and still nothing back. I reached out to him once when my child was gravely ill, hoping for support and still nothing, which I find very hard to forhive. I am usually angry about it, rather than front up to how much it hurts, but today I saw him in the street (and he saw me, I was in the car) and it hurts. It’s like being dumped, but worse in many ways.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

The basis of the thread are people that have NC forced on them . Because they simply will not take the behaviour anymore. We realised we were feeding the situation with our DD . the intermittent NC she uses with us is a punishment she uses on us when we won't toe the line .
It's a game she has been playing for years , we have decided not to play anymore and get on with our life .

I haven't talked to one of my brothers in more than 20 years. We were never close as children and even less as adults. I tried a few times to connect with him but he only wanted contact on his terms. I didn't find it difficult to stop communication, just acknowledged there was nothing between us aside from having the same parents.

His kids reach out to me when they were teens and I have a good relationship with my nephew and nieces even living in opposite sides of the world.

That’s very nice that you speak to your nieces and nephews now

sounds a bit less emotional if you were never close

my father lived 5 minutes away from his sister for over a decade and they never spoke/I would have walked past her many times and never known who she was/and my cousins.

my family are very quick to just withdraw entirely over perceived slights and I think it’s really sad. One brother nearly didn’t come to my baby’s christening becuase I forgot to reply to a totally innocuous message. He just saw rejection and immediately tried to pull the drawbridge up. It makes me very sad that everyone is so emotionally unable to just communicate in my family

Yep, this is ultimately the situation I was in with a sibling who repeatedly went LC/NC in an attempt to get me to jump through various hoops. I decided to stop jumping and my life became immeasurably better

Totally agree . When you stop reacting they can no longer control you.
It feels great to have a life with no drama 🙂

I can’t see a single valid reason and no one has explained it to me and that is cruel and hard to live with - This is also said by lots of people who know exactly why someone has gone NC with them so when it's actually true some might assume it's probably not, which, unfortunately, isn't helpful to you.

I mean, the person I went NC with isn't going around extended family saying "yeah, I understand why Jenny stopped all contact with me, I'm surprised she took so long given I've been a cunt to her for years". She would be mortified if they knew the extent of her actions so instead she deflects and redirects. tells them she has no idea why I've done it.

The issue now is she wants to reconnect and while that is the mature thing to do as none of us are getting any younger, without knowing for sure that she won't just pick up where she left off, I can't do that. While she continues to insist she has done nothing wrong it can't be fixed. So we have reached stalemate.

In your case, you have apologised and that hasn't worked, I'm sorry, it looks like you've reached stalemate too. It's a shit place to be but acceptance is the only way to deal with it. You can't control your emotions rising when you see them in the street but maybe you could learn some techniques on how to not let those emotions linger around for too long and not dwell on them.

It's heartbreaking when these things happen, the sadness will probably always rise to the surface at times but as time goes on you'll learn how to cope with it.

Yes- bottom line is- if someone apologies to you and genuinely wants to make amends, and you continue the silent treatment, in my opinion you are just a horrible person. Everyone makes mistakes.

My mum says that it "makes no sense" that I was upset with her but she could not say she wasnt told that she hurt me. She gave me the silent treatment as a punishment for telling her that she hurt me.

I can usually tell if people are protecting their ego over having a difficult conversation to help r3solve differenc3s.

My mother may be in the "this makes no sense" camp but she resisted all my attempts to communicate with her.

Took me a while to realise that communication might stand in the way of her martyred position.

If she were on this thread she'd be saying I was mentally ill, abusive, angryet cetera.
She'd leave out the parts where I tried first to talk to her calmly and only got angry when it became clear that even my expectation that I be heard in the family enraged her. My expectation that she care that she hurt me is a massive act of aggression I'm perpetrating against her in her reality.

This will be the first Christmas that I'm not trying to communicate. That is sad. Trying was hurting me. Giving up is sad but the lesser of two evils

I think it depends on what they've done.

Sorry I slept with someone else....
Sorry I said I was busy when I really just couldn't be bothered going out....
Sorry I bullied you for years....
Sorry I brought you cake when I knew you were on a diet...

Maybe not all mistakes are the same?

Exactly, depends what they did, sometimes it wasn’t a mistake but a deliberate act.

This sounds childish and short sighted. I could give you five reasons off the top of my head that would be almost universally acceptable as a reason to walk away from someone.

Not everyone’s mistakes are so bad that people choose to go NC with them though.

I think most people will accept an apology if it’s genuine and if it’s for a minor thing. It’s harder to forgive huge things. People shouldn’t be expected to be treated as a doormat in the name of forgiveness. People are allowed their own boundaries.
Your comment reminds me of the #be kind people - ie the people who do something horrible then scream #be kind if you call them out on it.

how do people cope with this? How can I square this away in my mind so it’s not that painful? I find it very hard to compartmentalise things and I can be quite emotionally obsessive, which doesn’t help

My younger brother went NC with me several years ago. It was devastating at the time. It was so hideously painful and I questioned myself continuously as I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong.

However as time went by, they went NC with most of my family and lost contact with all of his friends. Everyone was accused of some sort of grievance against them. That made it easier to see things from a different perspective. I stopped seeing him as my jolly little 8 year old brother but as a miserable, cantankerous grown man that if he were a neighbour or work colleague, I would avoid like the plague. I also reminded myself of how uncomfortable it used to be when we met up and they told stories of how someone had offended them in some way. They were forever making official complaints. It was like walking on eggshells around them.

The answer to your question is that I reframed the situation and now I say “I am NC with him”. .. I’ve taken the power back. I don’t want to have people like him and his wife in my life / around my children. I have lots of lovely friends and family who are a joy to be around. I choose to focus on these relationships and have learned that it’s not actually a loss for me at all.

What utter bollocks.

So when my father, on his death bed nigh on 40 years later, wanted to apologise for constant abuse and neglect in my childhood I’m the horrible person for not accepting it?

When my brother wanted to apologise for punching me in tbt face and threatening to set my house on fire with such seriousness that he was charged by the police, I’m the horrible one?

Someone who steals their granny’s savings and later apologises should have that apology accepted or granny is the horrible one?

a man who cheats on his wife and apologises has a horrible person for a wife if she doesn’t accept it?

You clearly think your relative is horrible for being NC with you. That’s your take on your situation.

Badging everyone who is NC as horrible is frankly pathetic. And disrespectful toward people who’ve been put through hell by their relative they’re NC with.

I do wish people could make the distinction between going no contact because of abuse and huge psychological harm (which no one would question), and going no contact because of an argument.

To say no one goes no contact without serious, deep-seated, un-mendable reasons is, to quote a pp, "just bollocks". SOME people do and they are the difficult ones.

My fil was NC with most of his 6 siblings for most of his life although funnily enough always enjoyed seeing them at weddings and funerals. They are all dead now and I wonder if he felt it was worth it? He's one of those people who takes offence stupidly easily and sulks. It appears to have lasted a life time. What a waste.

People who show BPD and narcissistic behaviour do not want to make amends they will not apologise for anything they have said or done . It's all about the control . Their actions and words are designed to harm . When we informed our DD that we would not tolerate it anymore , wow did she go in for the kill , it was terrifying. It gave us the confirmation we needed . She will never get to do it again and that we want her out of our life. .

Agreed, Wiccan. My relative who has cut out his mother has a diagnosis of BPD. We all understand this is a mental illness and he can't help it, however his argument that the way he was brought up has caused it is incorrect. His parents had a blissfully happy marriage. His father died 11 years ago (aged 81, so not unusually young) and he adored him and so I understand that it was a terrible thing to happen. However, he now blames his mother for more or less everything that is wrong in his life. He is wrong imvho.

Yes- I obviously meant if you choose not to forgive because of an argument and you are hurt as opposed to actual abuse!!

I can relate to that. Our marriage is loving and stable . Our DD blamed me for everything wrong in her life even though she lived her life very distantly from us . Sometimes we didn't even know where she worked ! . I've had it all thrown at me , Bad parenting , insanity , jealousy, poor education the list goes on . She didn't like it because my DH her DF wouldn't side with her so she started on him. He's weak , a coward , he's being manipulated!
( The last one was our favourite, actually made us chuckle 😂) . But in all seriousness she's nearly destroyed us.

I think this is it. I need to remind myself he has been NC with literally every single family member at some point, including me previously

like your brother, it’s THEM not me/you.

we are questioning ourselves because we are nice and normal people and that’s the response! It’s like the dunning Kruger effect except for with emotions!

This!!!!!

It wasn’t remotely obvious, hence multiple people replying to what you said.

Well I was referring to situations such as my own, where it is a case of my brother either just being a complete sociopath/ or alternatively he doesn’t know how to resolve conflict/ or he doesn’t want to listen to my point of view as it triggers him. Could be any of them!

I love the person who has gone NC with me very, very much. As long as they are well and happy I can be at peace.

@MitziKinsky I agree with this, it’s better to accept and move on.

My Dad has said and done some things that would justify me going NC, but I know he’s not well and happy so I’m hanging in there with him. But I do understand why people decide to go NC and if anyone did it to me, I’d accept it!

Saying that “everyone” makes mistakes didn’t make it remotely clear that you meant sometimes.