How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

That is based on just as many actual facts as your original made up statement.

I would never tell, the only person I would tell on something like this would be a close friend and even then I'd be reluctant unless I knew 100%. Just not my business, it's up to people to manage their own marriages.

Why do some people not think she deserves to know ?

I would want to know, are you honestly saying you would not like to be told if it was your partner?

It's not about whether she "deserves" to know. It's about whether it's OP's responsibility to police other people's private lives and make decisions for them when she barely knows them...and intends to be the only one who experiences no consequences.

None of us telling her to keep her beak out are saying it because we think the wife deserves to be cheated on.

If you can't do it properly, then don't do it at all. Doing this kind of thing anonymously is so cruel. Without evidence or knowing who you are, she is not going to know if it's true or just someone being malicious. But it will fuck her head up either way, and that's not fair. So either give her proof that he can't deny, or you back up your claim with your name and role.

Yes.

Its different if you know and don’t want to tell the person being cheated on but she wants to tell her and that up to her ?

He’s obviously not being careful if she knows.

I hate smug people who cheat and know that no one will tell their partner about it.

That’s a shame, for you.

Oh, and yes. I would not want to know. I suspect nothing, my family is intact and I'm happy. If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I'm not affected. I don't want to know. And I especially don't want to know from someone who won't show their face.

And it's her decision. Not yours. It's not for you to dictate to her how she should feel about her life.

If you still want to tell even after you know someone doesn't want to be told, you're not doing it for anyone but yourself.

How do you know she wouldn’t want to be told though?

Nobody on this thread is motivated by a liking for cheaters, or a belief that anyone deserves to be cheated on.

But inserting yourself in other people's private lives and blowing up their worlds is more complicated than what we like and don't like.

How do you know she does?

Neither of us know. So we abide by "first, do no harm".

You're clearly not motivated by wanting to help. You're motivated by wanting to satisfy your personal dislike of cheaters, even when you've no idea what the wife wants.

But I could also say you are motivated by your preference of not wanting to know if your partner was cheating.

This thread will be divided by those who would want to know and those who wouldn’t and will affect the comments.

She wasn’t even asking for advise on if she should tell her, she was asking how to tell her.

None. Of. Your. Business

Jesus people. Keep your beaks out. Seriously, nothing to do with you (unless you're the one doing the cheating I guess!)

She probably knows anyway.

Why?

OP is asking for advice on how to tell anonymously. Many of us think that is low behaviour because it is.

It's not rocket science, is it? Bit of paper, badly constructed sentences, sneaked through the letterbox or under car wiper. Sit back at a safe distances and hope for fireworks. Job done.

I too think the OP is a man. It makes no difference to the advice to mind their own business if they can't tell 'the wife' personally.

My motivations are not believing in interfering in people's lives when it's nothing to do with you and you don't know them well enough to know if you'd be doing harm or not. Yes, as a woman who wouldn't want to know, I'm aware that not every woman would consent to this, so that feeds my reasoning.

And I believe in "first, do no harm". If I can't be sure I'm not going to make things worse, I'm not going to blunder in with my size 7s. No, not even I really hate smug cheaters. Who cares about that? My personal dislikes aren't a reason to blow up someone's life.

And the fact that OP was asking for advice on anonymous telling is no reason not to tell her she shouldn't do it at all. It's more reason. The first post had it in a nutshell, although Maythe4th and others have explained beautifully why anonymous messages are abhorrent.

What I would like to know is (regardless of whether it's morally right or wrong, nosey or gleeful, or whatever motivation is behind spilling the beans) is why people think it is better for a cheated-on partner to remain blissfully ignorant, pretend all is well, do a pick-me dance they don't know they are doing and hold on to someone who's not worth an empty crisp packet. Why do women want to stay with cheats (other than lifestyle reasons)?

I genuinely want to understand. As I wouldn't put up with it.

If I had a cheating partner and someone knew and told me - anonymously or otherwise - I would be glad. I wouldn't confront them immediately, for the reasons mentioned already (they can wriggle out, gaslight, etc) but I would use it as a springboard to gather irrefutable evidence and THEN dump them. I wouldn't want to keep them.

You might be projecting a bit here…you wish you’d known so you assume everyone would want to. I think some people don’t, friends have told me they wouldn’t want to…of course that’s hypothetical (I hope!) but still.

What I would like to know is (regardless of whether it's morally right or wrong, nosey or gleeful, or whatever motivation is behind spilling the beans) is why people think it is better for a cheated-on partner to remain blissfully ignorant, pretend all is well, do a pick-me dance they don't know they are doing and hold on to someone who's not worth an empty crisp packet. Why do women want to stay with cheats (other than lifestyle reasons)?

Why aren't lifestyle reasons enough? If a woman decides the infidelity is a price she's prepared to pay for her lifestyle (as many women have since year dot), why can't she make that decision?

I wouldn't want to know because I'm happy and suspect nothing and don't want the bomb. You said it yourself: blissfully ignorant. Who doesn't want to live in bliss?

I don't care what others say because it's not their life and I doubt they devote tons of energy to thinking and talking about me and my life. I assume they're as self-centred as I am.

We will just have to agree to disagree as neither of us are right because we don’t know the full details.

Some posters have said about doing it but it not being anonymous and include proof etc.

I do feel sad that some people would prefer to not know if their partner is cheating, I understand that it’s easier to not know but I still find it sad.

.

Nobody needs to understand how other people behave in their marriages or what they want from them. Nobody's business but theirs.

If you feel strongly that somebody must be told that their husband/wife is cheating then do it with personal integrity or not at all. Hiding behind anonymity is never decent behaviour. That's all anybody needs to know really, isn't it?

As ReneBumWombats so eloquently put it. If in doubt, ascribe to the 'do no harm' principle.

You can find it as sad as you like but remember these people exist and you have no idea, when you appoint yourself judge and jury in someone else's life, whether they consent to you doing it.

Unless you're very close to the situation, it's none of your business and you don't know enough about it. So stay out. And feel sad about it if you want to.

I wouldnt but only because it will backfire massively on you..

Man will make up some rubbish, women will forgive him and blame OW (just like many many threads on Mumsnet!).

It wont end well. She might even know but is pretending she doesnt unless of course you tell her