How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

Oh come on, if I had said “in that scenario you shouldn’t tell” you would have said something like “oh but I thought you said they always have the right to know etc …”.

A poison pen letter is "an anonymous letter that is libellous, abusive, or malicious." I don't think it is libellous if it is true. It is not abusive if it gives facts. It is not malicious if it is intended to give agency to the receiver.

So you are happy for your partner to cheat? Just so long as you don't know?

Yes, you did say that, which is why I was pointing out that you were being disingenuous with the "because it's public" stuff. Since you don't think that matters and someone always has the right to know....or rather, that you always have the right to insert yourself.

Hmm, perhaps that does count as trying to catch you out, I suppose. I hadn't thought of it in such personal terms. But I can't point out holes or hypocrisy in your reasoning if there isn't any.

At any rate, you basically think it's always your right to insert yourself in someone's private life. So what you need is an excuse for why people, even strangers, don't have a right to a life that doesn't include you and what you assume they want.

No. Very unhappy.

The question isn’t whether one is happy about it. It’s whether you’d want a third-party to tell you about it.

I wouldn’t.

Which leaves two possibilities.

Either the cheating spouse tells you about it - and then it’d depend on why I was being told.

Or you find out yourself - which gives you the option of how to deal with it.

Or you never know, of course. Which, if you don’t know, you wouldn’t know.

@Clarefromwork

I'm not sure why you are trying to catch me out, as I said we will not agree as we have different personal opinions on this.

Thing is, people who disagree with you aren’t saying ‘it’s a shame’ that you feel the way you do.

But you said that to me.

So, before I agree to disagree with you, I’d like to know what it is about my position that’s ‘a shame’, in your view.

I did say in a post further up (but didn’t tag you) that I did find it sad that posters wouldn’t want to know and I get that it’s easier not to know but I still find it sad (and a shame) that’s all.

If a close friend or family member knew, would you like them to tell you? (I’m not comparing this to a stranger telling you as I know it’s different, just curious)

It’s nothing to do with easiness.

You’re saying the same thing again, but with different words - why is it ‘sad’ and ‘a shame’?

It's really not a stretch at all. At least though the people concerned were under Nazi occupation and whilst they certainly didn't cover themselves in glory, it could be argued that they were under pressure that none of us now would comprehend having never been under it ourselves.

So, whilst I could give consideration to those who posted anonymous letters under those conditions, to do so in the circumstances of OP would be disgusting and unconscionable.

Keep your nose out of other people's marriages, they are nobody's business but their own.

If you think it's about easiness, you don't get it at all.

But that's fine. You don't have to get it. You don't have to feel the same way yourself. And if it makes you sad, well, that's OK too.

But what's not OK is deciding that because you feel that way, everyone who feels differently is somehow wrong. And that therefore gives you the right to meddle in their lives, in things that have nothing to do with you, that you don't know about, without knowing what you might cause and whether you have consent from your mark.

ZandaThePanda, going back to your workplace experience, I have been in that position myself. My boss started an affair with a woman from the general office. She started making it extremely obvious, she was proud to have 'nabbed' the boss and the two of them would make a show of it; her more than him.

I had met his wife and liked her a lot. The best I could do though was to ask him to keep it out of the office because the office lady kept interrupting meetings I was trying to have and basically being a royal pain. His conduct was the same as it had always been but the affair was really irritating to everybody around them. I only got away with asking him to keep it away from the office because I was a direct report.

The thing is, when people become aware, it's only a matter of time before the bigger bosses get to hear of it and that's what happened here. Bigger boss told him to pack it in and he did.

Wife then had an affair herself and the marriage broke up. I don't work there anymore although the company is my client now.

Affairs are not good, they're never the right thing to do but, if you are going to have one, it's your secret to keep and you'd better do a bloody good job of it.

Working my way through the messages. Thanks for all your advice! Never expected my little question to cause such a debate and now I'm even more confused with what to do!

One of my other colleagues walked into his office and caught them in the middle of a passionate embrace which the OW tried to pass off awkwardly by then going over and hugging my colleague and kissing him on the cheek. How she thought that would fix what he saw I've got no idea! Anyway said colleague then came immediately to tell me and a few other people what he'd seen.

I work in a very male dominated industry so it's unlikely any of the men are going to let it get back to her. It's a big boys club!

Maybe the ones on here who have said keep my nose out may be right. It's not my business but I doubt she knows. She's not the type to stand by and let that happen - he'd of had his car keyed by now!!

Morally I'm finding this so difficult but there's no way I can afford to lose my job.

It's not my business

Keep reminding yourself of this. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

OP, you're not confused, you're concerned about losing your job (and rightly so).

If you don't have the courage of your convictions to tell what you know, in person, then have the decency to leave it alone.

Not at all confusing and everything about self-preservation. No judgement from me for that but don't hold yourself up as doing anything other than that.

Maybe you don't risk your job over this. Maybe you report it professionally - to HR if he's your colleagues boss too.

But you would be happy with multiple other people knowing you’re being cheated on!!!

I certainly wouldn’t! The disrespect from your other half, taking you for a mug and having fun with another woman. Hell, he might even decide she’s more fun one day and destroy the family! I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy then would you!

The above is all hypothetical of course, but someone, somewhere is going through this, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to, and I’m sure many others would agree. I don’t understand the wives who are happy to be door mats, clean and care for their husband while he’s showing his affection elsewhere!!

What a nasty post, Gem123J. Could you be any more gleeful?

Let's hope that smugness doesn't whack you one in the face.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Gleeful?! How is that gleeful!

And smug too? Really?

I’ve stated previously, as have others, if it was me being cheated on I’d want to know. I reacted to someone’s comment saying they wouldn’t want to know and if they’re happy, the husband must be good at hiding it. That is generally not ok, why would it be? I wouldn’t want my daughter being treated like that. Why do we need to depend on men so much to that we can allow them to treat us however we like, and they might get bored and decide to leave, so what was the whole point in being ok with it in the end?

Call it smug, I don’t think it is. I call it being pro-independent women. I’ve been cheated on in the past, I stayed, I will never, ever allow that to happen again.

But you would be happy with multiple other people knowing you’re being cheated on!!!

I don't care. They're not part of my life.

I certainly wouldn’t! The disrespect from your other half, taking you for a mug and having fun with another woman. Hell, he might even decide she’s more fun one day and destroy the family! I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy then would you!

Not if he left, no. But that's a different situation to him not leaving, me suspecting nothing and being happy. And it's nothing to do with you.

I don’t understand the wives who are happy to be door mats, clean and care for their husband while he’s showing his affection elsewhere!!

You don't have to understand it. You just have to understand that not everyone feels the way you do and if you've got nothing to do with the situation and these people, it's not for you to insert yourself in their lives when you don't know what they want or what might happen.

People have a right to a private life that doesn't include you. It doesn't matter if you don't approve of that life or wouldn't choose it. It's nothing to do with you and it's supremely arrogant to claim the right to meddle in it because you think they should be like you.

I do not consent to your interference. I do not give you permission.

Your discretion is very admirable, but it's ok, you can name me. Most people are clever enough to look at the name on the post to which Gem responded.

As it happens, I didn't find that post gleeful. Just rather arrogant, claiming that any feelings Gem didn't understand weren't valid.

(If you think I've been nasty elsewhere, report the posts. I haven't had any deletions or messages from MNHQ, so there's one moral crusade you can righteously take on.)

@ReneBumsWombats - er, it wasn't you ...

It wasn't? I thought everyone hated me.

Well all I can say is, I've never seen her be nasty to anyone. I actually find her to be one of the most intelligent and compassionate posters on here.

Anyway, has the OP been back to tell us if they are going to tell the wife, keep their 'beak' out, or what? People are never going to agree about this one.