How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

But what ever way you do it you are still going to feel paranoid and afraid he might think it is you. Your behaviour might give you away if you get nervous when it comes out that she knows and he starts looking for the culprit like not being able to make eye contact with him. Maybe now you understand why nobody told you because it is not that easy? I did it once when I found out my friend was cheating on her husband and when I told him she convinced him I was just jealous of them and trying to split them up. Neither of them ever spoke to me again. I would never get involved again

I would make sure other people in the workplace are aware of what he and his affair partner are doing. That way, it will filter back to her, because someone, somewhere, will tell her what is going on. I would be wary of being the one to send an anonymous note or facebook message.

What an odd way to think?

I'm in the 'group' of posters who believes that anonymous letters are sent by cowards who don't have the 'moral compass' they fondly think they do.

Tell of an affair or don't, but if you do, be authentic and do it personally, not add to the list of lousy behaviour that a betrayed person has to contend with.

Yep.

I so wish someone had told me. Apart from the betrayal it was the fact that I felt so stupid that hurt so much - wife being the last to know and all that. It would have saved me so much extra anguish that I really didn’t need.

If I were the wife, I would want to know...

That said, this was my own similar/personal experience: Back when I was dating, I got to know a guy who I thought was wonderful through an app. It was near Christmas time and he got me some lovely presents and everything. After a few dates, I got curious and googled him, and came across his Facebook profile. He was recently engaged to a girl he'd been dating for about 5 years. Both his and her Facebook profiles had the engagement announcements and lots of friends and family had congratulated them. I was so surprised as he seemed like such a genuine connection and remembering to wish me luck morning of an interview and thoughtful little things like that. I told him I was no longer interested in seeing him, he asked why and I said it was because he was engaged to be married and he then apologised. I remember wanting to message his fiancée with screenshots to evidence who she was getting married to but colleagues at work advised against it. They said ultimately she's a stranger and what if she turns out to be a psycho and does something to you all or blame you or something along those lines... So in the end I never did tell her and just forgot about it all and never saw that man ever again.

Another "spread the gossip everywhere and hope someone else risks their job for it".

Together with blackmail, burner phones, getting strange men to ring and hang up, fake Facebook accounts and anonymous notes, I'm thinking a lot of people here aren't any better than cheaters. It's still weaving a web of deceit around the woman because it somehow serves or satisfies you while trying to avoid any consequences.

Burner phone or fake email. Text or email her with all the details and who he's involved with. Be careful with the details as to not expose yourself. You want to out him but keep the job. Do not say if you're a man or a woman, just tell her you want to remain anonimous. What she does with the information is out of your control. Beware she may know about it and is turning a blind eye to keep her lavish life style.

Oh he's definitely going to suspect you. I honestly think you need to just back away. It might not be what you feel you need to do, but you are going to suffer if/when it gets found out.

How do you know her lifestyle is lavish?

Good point. I'm just assuming that if she's the wife of the boss she has a lavish lifestyle. She sounds like she's part of that privileged part of society.

Of course I may be wrong.

If you cannot say it to her face, you are not close enough to deliver the news.

Anonymous letters come just from cowards, if you don’t want to get involved then don’t.

Sadly, without proof he'll just talk his way out of it.

You've already made it known to your boss that you know. This will absolutely back fire on you or, possibly worse, every single time your boss is a bit 'off', you'll be wondering if its because he knows you've said something.

I think its very distasteful to be harassing a woman using burner phones and text platforms etc. You have no idea what effect that might have or trigger for her. Such a shitbag move.

You do seem overinvested. Maybe try and work out why that is.

"She sounds like..." What? You don't know anything about her! You wouldn't know her if she punched you!

This is why it's such a bad idea to start making life changing decisions for other people when you don't know anything about them or their situation or what the consequences would be.

I am eye rolling myself here. I have just seen ‘anonymously’ in OP post! Makes my ‘advice’ redundant. But doing it anonymously is awful. Happened to my poor mum years ago. Horrible, horrible thing to do.

Please tell her. I would want to know. I'd rather be alone than cheated on.

Why would you risk your job for this woman?
Would she risk hers to enlighten you? I doubt it.

Stay out of it. Choosing to be in the middle of a shit storm in someone else’s business over preserving your own livelihood, is a bit mad. Consider why you’d do it. It’s not altruism is it?
Stay out of it.

You're right. I heard she just arrived from Ukraine, applied for refugee status and is about to move into a hostel. Life is tough for some.

I think if it was someone I knew well and considered a friend I'd have to tell them. But I'd only say what I had observed myself - X seems very flirtatious with Y and so on, and just raise the suspicion rather than saying that X and Y are definitely having an affair if I don't know that to be true.

If I didn't know the wife really I'd stay out of it.

Lots and lots of 'cheerleaders' on this thread, as there always are, revelling in the drama and hoping that the OP will take action - any sort will do - just as long as they update here.

Absolutely zero thought or care for the woman whose marriage it is... just like the husband.

Ugh.

Totally Agree. Not your circus and definitely not your monkey.

That's a more interesting persona than the other one you made up. I'd probably read that novel.

What on earth are you talking about?

If you are sure they are having an affair, send the evidence anonymously to the wife and the partner of the other woman as well.
It's 100% on the husband and the other woman if the marriage is wrecked. I'd want to know WITH EVIDENCE.