How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

No one wants the truth. You will always be resented for telling the truth. But then could be for not saying anything, it's a no win situation.

If I was being cheated on, I’d want to know.

You are in such a difficult position though. Personally, I would prefer someone to come forward to me, not anonymously, but that’s not easy as the culprit is your boss and the wife may name drop you.

A made-up email might be ok though, well better than any other anonymous way, and mention that you’re happy to answer any questions or be there to talk (via email). At least it’s up to her to decide then what she does with that info, confront him or not. If a lot know around the workplace at least he could never guess who it could be! She definitely deserves to know. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in my eyes and it’s so embarrassing if it’s going on and others know and you have no idea.

Well yes it is helpful. Don’t get involve.

Can't believe the "mind your own business" people on here.

She deserves to know. I'd be furious if a friend or acquaintance knew and chose to keep quiet.

I have folding money that says they are not in any kind of bloody "open relationship." So many deliberately naive people on this site.

I'd invite her out for a coffee, turn the subject to your respective home lives so that I can get a sense of whether she does in fact know or suspect something already, then break the news.

She might, possibly, refuse to believe, blame me, and get angry and defensive--it does happen. But I'd be happy to take that risk, rather than risk her being strung along for another year or two.

People who say "mind your own business" are basically saying "I'm happy to leave another woman to possibly plan a baby or joint financial decision with a cheating rat and be humiliated, rather than take the tiniest risk that I might feel awkward for half an hour or run a risk of falling out with someone. My own feelings are, after all, the only thing I actually care about or am interested in protecting." It is a shitty form of moral cowardice.

@curiousabout

I don't know how you see her but wouldn't lie for him.

Kind of point her in the direction she will figure it out.

I'd want to know. Who wouldn't want to know? Only someone who wants to live with their head up on the clouds.

Thanks for all your suggestions so far!

The issue is I've made me feelings clear with him that I don't think it's right so he knows I know. I didn't outright say "can't believe you're having an affair with you know who" I just said "wow you know who is getting a bit close for comfort isn't she? Doesn't she realise you're married..." - he gave some half assed response back.

I thought maybe I could get a male friend to call and tell her then hang up quickly so she can say it was a random bloke that told her? What do you guys think?

I'm not that close with her. She is more of an acquaintance so I couldn't tell her or meet up with her. I'd definitely lose my job.

Having a guy call is a good idea. Letting her know anonymously let’s her investigate or sweep it under the rug.

I like the idea of a bloke calling her. She might think it’s someone from work.

A guy friend is a good idea, or you could make a new address and email her if you have her email address? As is she has questions you can answer them, but a guy friend helping you won't know all the answers for her

I wouldn’t want to be told anonymously, especially by a random phone call which hung up. I’d feel embarrassed and wonder who knew before me. Also when he denies it and says it was clearly a prank phone call where will that leave her? I think if you’re going to get involved you just have to accept you’re involved and deal with it.

The problem with the guy friend doing it is that it might get, falsely, pinned on someone else at work.

But also, I random one off call is going to be easier to wriggle out of. ‘Someone at work messing about, can’t believe you don’t trust me’ or ‘Bob at work hates me X reason. Can’t believe you would believe a weirdo who would do an anonymous call over your husband’ etc

With no proof, even if she half believed it, is she going to walk on her marriage on a maybe?

I get why people are saying leave it. This has the potential to back fire and leave the wife in a worse position that she is now.

So he knows that you know, I think you need to be very careful. Personally I'd remain silent now, and if you do get someone to help you, make sure you can't be traced back again.
Sounds like she deserves to know though. Is she more senior than her husband and/or this OW

Not your business I’m afraid. I’ve also been cheated on but don’t feel the need to implode other peoples lives

Is this a job for life or one you might move on from at some point anyway? If you think you may move on in the next year or two maybe move on first. But not sure I’d want to do that if I was otherwise happy in the job.

Either you tell her personally or you do nothing.

Nobody has any business sending anonymous notes, and all this “I feel she ought to know” talk while at the same time not wanting to put yourself in a difficult situation is just disingenuous.

So it’s ok for you to blow up someone else’s life and sit back and watch the fallout of your work just so long as it doesn’t affect you? No.

Either tell her straight or keep out.

Telling someone anonymously is pure gaslighting. You are essentially making sure they can never trust anyone again and will forever wonder who it was. Telling someone anonymously isn’t just giving them the truth, it’s shaking their whole thought process.

This!

I would tell her and like you said you wish people had told you. Either write a letter or if you use social media and can find her profile. Create a fake profile and message her. It's easy to do.

I would definitely do it anonymously. Because otherwise she might reveal who told her in the heat of the moment confronting him
Try and make it seem as if it comes from one of their friends. So no one gets sacked.
Can you email from a burner account but include sufficient details that it cannot be dismissed as a prank?

I agree with @MayThe4th you either tell her yourself and take everything that goes with it or stay out of it
i know it’s hard because you want to do the right thing and I commend you for that but doing it anonymously will cause so many more problems- what if your boss blames someone else for telling her? He lies his way out of it and then claims another colleague did it because they’re jealous or out to get him
What would you do then?
what if the wife comes to you and asks you directly? She tells you she was sent this messed up message about her husband cheating at work and do you know why someone would send her that?
also if you are telling her you need proof, times, dates. Sadly there’s a good chance she won’t want to believe you and will lash out and you need to be very clear on what you know and what you’ve seen/heard.

I once told someone that his partner had cheated on him. It turns out he already knew, and what I had intended as a kind gesture to give him agency, left him feeling horribly humiliated. That was decades ago and I still regret hurting him.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

He's your boss. And she's your colleague.

How much do you think think telling his wife he's fucking another woman will affect your work?

And, yes, how much absolute proof do you have?

Because what will happen is: she'll believe you. She'll confront him. He'll deny it and say you're the office psycho who has always had a thing for him. Probably.

What probably won't happen is her thanking you profusely and filing for divorce.

You don't know that she doesn't know already and is turning a blind eye/is having other partners herself.

But if you insist on telling her at least do it yourself.

I think you have to be very careful given the boss knows you know.

It may be best to leave it for a little while and re consider. I think finding out anonymously would be very distressing for her as she doesn’t know where the information has come from and who knows. It would be better for something to be done to alert her suspicion to let her come to her own conclusion but no idea how you do that…

As he is so blatant about it at work she may well know …

Just wish his wife wasn't so naive! Surely she must see the signs?! Staying late has to be the most obvious excuse in the book?!

Thats incredibly harsh! You say you’ve been cheated on so why were you so naive? Why didn’t you see the signs?