How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

I would stay out of it completely.You have to be selfish here and consider your job. In todays climate it would be a nightmare getting another job, and you owe this woman nothing. it's all well and good having principals and in an ideal world then yes of course you should tell her, but I honestly think you need to just loo out for yourself. She may know anyway, she ay have an inkling and if he is being really indiscreet about it someone else will probably dob him in at some point. Leave them to it, not your circus, not your monkey.

It's not your place to dictate people's decisions and feelings about their marriages.

Height of cowardice. There's no other way to cut it.

A wronged wife may well take the view that she 'deserves' to know. That doesn't mean she has the right to expect that a professional subordinate to her husband should take that responsibility upon themselves, especially when it could mean risking their own degree into the bargain.

This really isn't the moral maze some posters are representing it as. This man chose to cheat on his wife and break his marriage vows (assuming there is unassailable evidence that he has). Every last bystander who has knowledge or suspicions of that decision does not automatically become complicit.

He, alone, is responsible.

Okay, it's a minority. I'm not in that minority, but if that's their way, then why not?

Actually, I'm strongly in the 'adultery's unacceptable' camp. But I wouldn't want to be told by some acquaintance, however well-meaning. My reaction would be, 'What the hell's it got to do with you?"

If I find out myself, then I do. And if I don't, I don't.

And, no, I've never had an affair myself.

Sorry - I meant ' career' - not 'degree'.

What a weird thing to wonder. Thinking it's none of OP's business doesn't mean one doesn't disapprove of affairs. There are lots of things I don't approve of and wouldn't do- that doesn't give me the right to go wading into other people's lives.

I agree with @MarieIVanArkleStinks . If OP thinks it's her job to tell the wife, she should do it openly and tell her what evidence she has . If she's not willing to do that, she should keep out of it. A lot of people on here seem to be enjoying the drama and giving very little thought to the actual repercussions of sending anonymous notes, for the wife and for OP.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with you and you only want to tell her because you feel superior.

Personally I’d stay out of it. Please, please consider what you do carefully. Someone I know was in a similar situation and told the wife what she knew thinking she was doing her a favour but it massively backfired on her. The wife appeared to be grateful and that was that but then started a massive social media character assassination of my friend on social media, all escalated into them bumping into each other in town resulting in the wife beating her black and blue. Absolutely horrendous

I have told this story before but it’s worth saying again . I found out that my best friend’s husband was cheating on her . He knew that I knew .
Friend had always said if her husband cheated she would want to know . When it became clear that he wasn’t going to end the affair I told her .
She never spoke to me again ( more than 20 years ) and us still with him .
Lesson learned - stay out of it.

Ask her "if you thought your partner was having an affair, would you want someone to give you a hint, or would you rather not know?" And just leave it there...

This x 💯.

That's the wrong question, though, isn't it?

Because if she thinks her partner's having an affair, she doesn't need telling.

What you mean is, "If you had no idea your partner was having an affair, would you want an acquaintance to tell you? Like, you know, someone they work with. Who you hardly know, but who has invited you out for a coffee for no apparent reason. For instance. Just hypothetically. No? Oh, okay. Right. ....Umm...got plans for Christmas? Just family?"

That’s reaching.
I think most people seeing another doing something fundamentally wrong would have to at least consider doing something about it. Dropping litter, shoplifting, big public argument, cheating - we can all see other people being dicks. Whether or not we do something is circumstantial.

I think as the Op isn’t a friend of the wife it isn’t really her place to tell her. I would be tempted to be honest if she phoned but if the boss isn’t asking her to cover for him, the Op isn’t involved.

If it's obvious to everyone then it's only a matter of time that their recklessness will trip them up.

He'll fall on his sword soon enough. All this subterfuge is crazy and will backfire on you.

However if it was a different work scenario for you and wouldn't impact your job then I would say something.

I’m not sure on this, the op has said absolutely nothing to know she’s proof there is any affair

Absolutely DO NOT TELL. NEVER. Here’s why:

• people nearly always shoot the messenger
• you could be regarded as enjoying being the bearer of bad news
• she might already know and be dealing with it
• The affair could blow over and end then you could say to yourself ‘ Thank god I kept my mouth shut!’
• you could split them up and then you could say to yourself ‘ if only I’d kept my mouth shut’ ….
• you are likely to be blamed for the split

Finally, what is your motive? What do you expect to happen? Have you really thought through the consequences? If the news and fall-out gets out without you interfering, please do NOT say ‘I knew all along’. Other posters have probably said similar things but I haven’t read them yet. Please say nothing.

I received an email from a colleague of the OW to tell me that this woman had been boasting in the office about sleeping with my DH. I have no idea how she found my email, and when I read it my life felt completely destroyed, it has taken me years to find some semblance of recovery from what I was told that day, and part of me will never recover from it - HOWEVER, I will always be grateful to her for having the guts to tell me. The thought of going on with my life not knowing about something that massive going on within my own marriage is abhorrent. The wife deserves to know what is going on in her own life, and if you feel you can tell her then please do. She has the right to decide to leave this vile man if she chooses, but if she doesn't know what he's been doing he will continue to make a fool of her.

This workplace is only going to get more toxic.

Find another job to go to. Get some advice about unfair dismissal. Then tell him he should tell his wife about the affair (implying you are about to). Say you’ll leave for a pay off and a good reference. Once in the new job, tell the wife if she hasn’t found out already.

Obviously this is the ideal that would not go smoothly in practice but it would be nice if it could.

Do you fancy the wife a little?

This might be the most absurd, immature comment I've ever seen on MN over the years. Pathetic.

I'd tell her OP.

Messenger always get shot. Even if he didn't figure out it was you , what kind of mood will be be in as his marriage implodes? Anything that could affect my working environment like that ,I'd be giving a swerve.

So...blackmail? And still carrying out the implicit threat even if he complies?

Personal issues and work do not mix. He hasn't maintained professional boundaries. You have to.

The only thing you can do reasonably is to have a word with his boss because you are concerned about professional.boundaries in the office.

Another one who believes May the 4th' has it spot on.

Telling her anonymously is just as cruel, if not more cruel, than not telling her at all. I am a big believer that she deserves to know but you have to do it the right way.

God I wish someone had told me. Both times. The first time as I was dragging my two under two into his office at Christmas and so he could play the doting daddy (and when he invited his work colleague-who he was shagging) to our house for dinner (!). That would have spared me some humiliation.
And the second time when he was shagging my 'best friend' and lots of people (including a couple we all went on holiday with) knew. Which could have saved me a mental breakdown, a subsequent lost job and a lot of horrible wondering about situations that went on that were actually very different to how I perceived them at the time (over the two years it was going on).

People that say don't tell are, largely, I think, people who haven't experienced anything like that.

This thread is getting ridiculous.

Advising the Op to blackmail her boss? Really?