How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

Find a new job first? Then you can tell her openly. It can't feel good working for someone you neither like nor respect. Perhaps you're deflecting slightly the more pertinent issue for you?

I wouldn't trust her to protect your identity. Once a person learns something like this, there's a good chance they'll become consumed by the fight in their relationship, and protecting your anonymity and employment will be the last thing on their mind. I admire those who manage not to shoot the messenger - but I wouldn't rely on it.

Messengers take messages from someone else. If the message comes from you, you're not a messenger.

Anonymous letters, emails and phonecalls are all very easy for him to dismiss as malicious pranks by disgruntled ex employees etc. Yes his wife deserves to know but unless you can somehow provide some hard evidence she may not even believe it.

Look for a new job first because if he finds out it came from you now it'll be tricky to get a reference later on. This might sound a bit selfish but you need to protect yourself.

Is your workplace having a Christmas party? You might be able to take an incriminating photo of them & post it directly to the wife. This approach means it could have come from anyone at the party.

Does the affair partner have a husband or wife because they could also be notified at the same time. The boss shouldn't be the only one to take the blame here, it takes two to tango.

So if you were cheated on, you would love not to know?

I personally would DESERVE and want to know the truth 100%.

Do you actually know for sure they are having an affair? What do you mean he’s not being subtle, have you seen them outside the office, in a hotel, kissing somewhere, anything?

No wife with TRADITIONAL loyalty in marriage values would ever know and ignore it.

Most wives and husbands expect loyalty in a marriage.

If you don't, you are in minority.

Someone messaged me on FB saying that she had been having sex with my BF whilst he was away for work. I’d met her when I was out there visiting him. She didn’t have any evidence of the cheating and she was a heavy drug user and pretty unstable person. No evidence provided, even though I asked her.

It caused so so many problems in our relationship because I never knew whether it was true or not. He denied it and there were no other signs or evidence, however, it had seen the seed of doubt that was hard to move past. There was no way to know either way. To this day I could t say either way whether he cheated or not- I’ll never know.

If you’re going to tell her then I would suggest getting evidence first. If you don’t have any evidence then don’t do it.

👏

@curiousabout I'm guessing you've spent at least a small amount of time with his wife for you to know that you like her?
The only effective way of you doing this is to arrange a meet-up with her and tell her face-to-face. This of course reveals your identity, so is she the sort of woman that can be trusted to keep a secret? She would know that you are at risk of losing your job if he ever found out it was you who told her. If you like her, the chances are she is a good person who would not reveal her source.

I agree.

Why would you lose your job but not him, a cheater?

Yes, I agree.

If you like her, the chances are she is a good person who would not reveal her source.

Why would revealing her source make Wife a bad person? OP would have made the choice to put her in that situation without asking her or setting rules. Everyone saying it's up to Wife what she does with the information, well, that cuts both ways.

How do you send a photo anonymously?

I agree.

Clear evidence must be there too.

Because it's not an employer's job to police the sexuality of its consenting adult employees.

But it is an employer's job to maintain a safe and professional environment where people don't start meddling in their colleagues' private lives.

Disclaimer: IANAL, so I'm happy to defer to anyone who is. But it makes sense to me.

Anonymous letters are sent by cowards who are too afraid to say what they have to say openly. Without exception.

What you're proposing here isn't an altruistic deed; you have no responsibility to anyone here and it's not your place to interfere. A good mantra to live by is not to say anything by email, letter, or on the internet, that you'd not be happy to have attributed to you with your name under it.

If you have to say something anonymously, better not to say it at all.

It is tough knowing something that you wish you didn't but please don't say anything. It simply isn't your business. My mum's best friend had an anonymous letter left on her car windscreen about her husband's affair. It tormented her almost as much as the affair - who sent it? Who knew? Why hadn't they told her face to face etc.

I once told my best friend I knew her man was cheating - I told her as soon as I found out. She was furious with me. I think she found it very humiliating.

From now on, I'd say nothing but be around to support someone when they find out. It truly isn't your business.

Yes.

Not all wives do have conventional views about marriage. That's entirely their business.

wonder how many of the dont tell her posters are in affairs themselves.

The wife of a man who was cheating went to se the OWs husband.
The opening. gambit was, “My life has been ruined, now I am going to ruin yours. “
Not in a million years suggesting you, @curiousabout or anyone else posting here are the wronged party.
Or even that you have any awareness you are going to ruin lives by your actions
FWIW the wronged wife is still with her husband
I will leave it to your experience to surmise what happened to the por man who had this possibly unnecessary information imparted to him in such a traumatic manner. Though any way of imparting something like this may be unnecessarily traumatic