How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

If you know the home address just send her a note. Typed, your DH is having an affair, thought you should know. What’s going to happen if he accuses you, which is unlikely? You just say you know nothing.

There was a post on here recently where a wife was contacted anonymously by a woman. She had dates and times of when she’d slept with op’s husband which matched with him “working”, she knew his birth marks and a few identifying details. The dates when the affair happened also matched up with some mysterious phone calls op and her husband had rowed about.

The wife still didn’t feel like that was enough proof to end her marriage and thought it was possibly a prank and her husband told her it was someone messing about. Lots of mumsnet posters thought it could be a mean joke as well despite the husband’s behaviour being the definition of shifty.

Denial is a powerful thing.

If you knew her better I’d filter it through a friend she might listen to more but you would lose annonimity that way.

Well yeah exactly. People saying the wife may not want to know.. if that is her feelings about it then trust me, like this woman in your example, the wife will find ways to sweep it under the rug and will still be in denial about it. If Op lets her know, the wife can still choose not to believe it. Op wouldn't have taken away that choice from her instead she would have given her more choices and options actually. So the argument it's best not to be involved lest she's intentionally turning a blind eye is invalid. People can adamantly refuse to believe things that are as obvious as the sun.

As much as I disapprove - and I do - I don't think they're usually malicious. They are not usually intended to cause hurt or motivated out of spite.

At any rate, if malice and planning are wrong, they're wrong...

Yes, it being typed/printed is one way the OW can deny it. "Whoever it was clearly didn't want it to be handwritten, why do you think that is..."

As for the "anyone who disagrees with me must be a cheater", I just can't any more. It's lazy, it's unintelligent and it's very, very boring.

Honestly, none of your business. It’s tape as old time, and it might seem like a good idea but people who tell are usually the ones who end up in the wrong. She will find out sooner or later. If she’s not ready ti hear this truth - she won’t hear you.

If you have her email address, tell her using a newly set up email.

I think she deserves to know - I'd want to know. What a AH. I appreciate people fall out and in love, but be honest and finish one relationship before starting another....

He's unreasonable not you.

On an evening where he is with OW, send her a WhatsApp from a cheap phone. ( cheap smartphone from £20!)

contact her when he isn’t at work but has gone to X with other woman. Give name of woman too.

she can then call his office number and see he isn’t in. Call the OW and check she is away too.

she can physically go to the office and if he isn’t there, she will know.

you need to give her a way of proving it for herself.

I wouldn't!

a) stay out of it
b) "the wife" just stop it

I could not agree with this more. Dont do it out of some kind of self righteous schadenfreude.

What is your solid evidence that they're having an affair? Because all you've mentioned here is that you've seen them flirting or "getting close for comfort". I agree it isn't admirable behaviour, but nor is it actual infidelity.

Do you even know for sure he’s having an affair or is it just a rumour. You’re highly likely to lose your job if you tell the wife, so at least make sure you’ve got your facts straight.

Despite your sarcasm that first reply was actually the best and most helpful.

Telling people bad shit anonymously is a cowardly, shit-stirring action. Only people who've been watching too many soaps, or who need ongoing drama around them, would actually do that.

If you're actually friends with the wife and you feel you must tell her, do so face-to-face. Be prepared for the fallout to rebound on you in the form of losing your job if she doesn't react well.

If you're only acquaintances with her, keep your beak out.

If you think she deserves to know just tell her. If you don’t have the back bone to stand by your allegations then leave it to a grown up to tell her.

Really? A person who has nothing to do with your life can make you get divorced if you don’t want to? Really poor on the neighbour to blame your mum!

I expect his wife will find out pretty soon, these things don’t stay hidden for long, should you tell her, no, not your marriage, not your business.

I had the feeling the OP is a man, not a woman.
Perhaps something about the use of “the wife”.
OP - you don’t know that they are having an affair and it’s shit-stirring at best.
Cone back when you KNOW they are having an affair

But surely she could have carried on ignoring if she had wanted to?

The only blame lies with the cheat!

Agree with this 100%

Use a computer. And just write ‘he doesn’t know I’m writing this, but I thought you should know…’

It wasn’t actually a serious suggestion. I personally wouldn’t say anything, I can’t be fucked with the drama and potential loss of job. These things have a way of coming out, especially if he’s being as open as the OP suggests.

Unless I had a new job lined up. Then I’d tell her myself.

I’d send an anonymous letter. I was also cheated on and I hated that I was the last to know, I wish people had told me sooner. It really is a whole other level of betrayal, not only did your DH cheat on you but everyone around us were happy to cover it up.

Just wish his wife wasn't so naive! Surely she must see the signs?!

Clearly you didn't if you wish someone had told you. It isn't fair to call someone naive.

Computer print is what makes it easy to deny!

I'm glad it wasn't a serious suggestion. But it was no more loony than bringing in an anonymous male voice to make a personal phone call (not creepy and scary at all, oh no), spreading the gossip in the hope that someone else will risk their job instead, buying burner phones and all the rest of it.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything @MayThe4th has said. OP should stay out because she doesn't know these people or the situation and some people don't consent to being told. But if she absolutely must tell, it should be openly and honestly, rather than create another self-serving web of deceit and uncertainty around the woman.

Maybe she does. You don’t know what goes on in someone else’s marriage.