How to tell the wife

[curiousabout]

One of my colleagues is cheating on his wife who I really like and I think she deserves to know. Only problem is he's technically my boss so I don't want him to know it came from me.

Ideas on how to tell her anonymously??

It's nothing to do with you and anonymous notes are horrible. You'd be protecting yourself while dropping a bomb on others. If it's your business enough to get involved, it's your business enough to take your share of the consequences.

And yes, as PPs say, some people don't want to be told. Why do you think the first poster who told you to stay out wasn't helpful?

I'd want to know.

A friend of my husband is a cheat, I've heard various stories and not repeated them but once I see it with my own eyes I'm telling the wife

I thought maybe I could get a male friend to call and tell her then hang up quickly so she can say it was a random bloke that told her? What do you guys think?

I think that's incredibly nasty.

When I was young the office jerk betrayed his long-standing fiancé/wife, multiple
times no one at work said a word

We all socialised with his lovely wife and said nothing. He married wife as from rich family and he knew where his bread was buttered. Went on for years until they moved on his promotion.
many years later, I feel deeply ashamed that I did not have the guts to tell her.

I would want to know. I think you are right. I think the male friend calling could work tbh.
She deserves the truth.

Absolutely this.

@ReneBumsWombats
The op isn’t cheating!
Wouldn’t you want to know?
I certainly would.

Not every problem is yours to solve. That doesn't make you a bad person.

This isn't your fight so don't get involved. He will eventually be found out. She might already have her suspicions, or even if she found out, she might not care and just take him back. So ultimately your involvement would just serve to backfire on you.

He's your boss and regardless of him being a cheat or not, you are still his subordinate and need to report to him. Just keep it a professional relationship only and don't get involved personally

The op isn’t blowing someone’s life up!
The cheater is
Talk about shooting the messenger
He’s her boss

You’re in an impossible position as there is no way to tell her sensitively and not risk your job, which you presumably need. Therefore there’s nothing you can do right now unless something changes.

I know she's not cheating, where did I say she is?

And no, I wouldn't want to know. I'm happy. If my husband is cheating, he's doing it so well that I suspect nothing and our family is very happy. I am annoyed that so many people think I am obliged to feel the day they do and accept their decisions for me.

But if someone did decide make life changing decisions for me, I'd certainly want them to do it honestly and openly so I would be able to assess the situation and not, as a PP said so well, feel gaslit and further distressed. Getting yet another person involved? So I get a phone call from a male stranger who somehow knows my number, drops a bomb and then hangs up? How can anyone find that acceptable?

Perhaps I'm the wife here. I don't want to know and I don't consent to nasty anonymous bombs. How does OP know it isn't me? How does she know the wife consents?

I’d find that very hard - my moral compass would tell me to let her know. You need to protect your job so do it anonymously - people saying she “may know” - well that won’t be a problem if she knows.

I'm in the 'keep your beak out' camp.

I've known of two situations like this and some of us felt sorry for the wives but we did/said nothing.
It turned out that the wives knew and were quietly making plans.

In both cases the wives left the marital home on the day the youngest child got married, having arrange a temporary rental property for themselves. They then put in for a divorce from the new address.

It blindsided all of us and especially their spouses.

One husband had a nervous breakdown, the other committed suicide with a 12 bore.

As far as I know both wives are now living happy fulfilling lives.

Look - OP only knows these people from work so needs to look at this from a professional perspective, not a social justice warrior standpoint. She doesn't need to implode her career for the sake of this frankly.

Her boss is most likely not going to be sacked as workplace relations aren't always against guidance. Therefore how will he treat OP after she follows your advice? OP doesn't have any whistleblower protection. Again, chances are he won't do anything overt enough to go against guidance so OP could have deal with a toxic work atmosphere for the foreseeable future which could be enough to really knock her mental health and development prospects. Her boss isn't going to put her forward for anything, is he?

I would only recommend getting involved if you have another job safely lined up to escape to asap. The cost of living is too high to risk your family going without for the sake of imploding another family.

As someone else said, she might know. If it was one of my good friends, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them. If my boss was having an affair and I didn’t know the wife I’d just keep out of it. They could be having an open relationship, she may know and be turning a blind eye, who knows. I don’t think it’s your place to tell her. You could let your boss know you know in a 1-2-1. Say something like ‘I was cheated on and it ruins lives’ - won’t stop him but bringing it to his attention might bring him to his senses if he suspects his wife could find out

Do you have actual evidence?
You need to be very careful they may just be friends.

Doing it anonymously gives him so much opportunity to wriggle out of it - unless she already has her suspicions and the message confirms them.
So difficult when your job could be affected.
That bloody man is no doubt counting on this to prevent anyone speaking up.
It's very far from ideal but maybe you could do it anonymously if you can describe an absolutely specific example (place, time, date etc) of his behaviour which leaves no doubt in her mind.

Would you prefer it if your partner was cheating, someone had irrefutable evidence and "kept their beak out" whilst people knew behind your back and pitied you and the partner got on with it with impunity? It sounds like it.

Do people bring up their manager's personal morals in a1-2-1 session? I can't imagine that I would have done that as it isn't my business, I have no idea what goes on in others lives, no idea at all if they have an open marriage or are living separately but still in the same home etc. Just leave it to them, if she doesn't know now but finds out at least she can keep the humiliation to herself.

To be honest I would probably keep out of it, it could cost you your job.

Seriously, no harm done. The husbands chose that outcome. I'm glad the ex wives are happy.

And what happens after? You potentially blow up a marriage, or she doesn’t believe you, or she does and stays with him? And he carries on affair…are yo7 going to police that too?

she’s not your best mate. It’s not your business.

Please don't assume everyone would want to know. I think you should keep out of this.

Same old same old thread...

Physical cheating involves sex, sex involves risks of STDs.some hidden. STDs can be life changing. Do all the don't tell people think the betrayed spouses sexual health is not important?

Cheating involves gaslighting, minimising and often goes hand in hand with a shed load of mental and emotional abuse at home. I've been the confused spouse. Couldn't do anything wrong, thought he was having a breakdown. Terrified that my poor lovely husband was poorly. He wasn't he was just shagging a woman at work.

Cheating rips enthusiastic open consent from the betrayed partner.

I damn well wouldn't want to be put at risk like this again knowing that someone knew but thought they'd keep their 'beak' out if it.

OP I've read some of the comments to you and you did not deserve the snarky nasty posts you've received. I can imagine this is really triggering for you.

Personally I'd find a way to tell her or at least send her off in the right direction.

Yes, I would. I don't care what a bunch of strangers think and I doubt it would occupy much of their time...I presume they are as preoccupied with their lives as I am with mine and I'm not going to make major life decisions based on that.

The only time I'd want to be told would be if I suspected and was unhappy, and the person who told me was a friend who did it openly and honestly and would be there to be supportive. A near-stranger who's only going to run away afterwards, an anonymous man who somehow has my phone number, a horrible anonymous note? Absolutely not.

Quite apart from anything else, you don't know if the wife might suffer a dangerous mental health crisis over it or her husband might get violent. You don't know these people well enough to make these kinds of decisions for them.