Coping with an insecure boyfriend

[Priorityguineapig]

Hi all,

Just this really. He has always been like this and I kinda thought it would wear off in time as he got to know me but it’s exhausting. texting or calling I’m ok if the ‘tone of my text’ is off, excessive worrying if I’m slightly later home (we don’t live together) than I planned, even referring to old texts - on WhatsApp via the reply function to highlight tiny inconsistencies in something - like I said I did something twice, then today I said it was a few times and he goes back weeks to find the message where I said it was twice - I mean come on, it’s wasn’t even anything important.

If I call him out he just apologises a lot and says he will try and curb his anxiety and overthinking and I don’t think it’s malice (he never accuses me of cheating or anything even big) but it’s very wearing. He is amazing in every other way, seriously, very kind, funny, generous, attentive everything so I don’t want to just dump him but I do need a better way to manage it.

i know some people complain about not getting a text back, but sometimes if I don’t reply and he knows I’m off work etc he gets worried he has upset me?! I’m talking max an hour or 2 I have never left him all days etc

please help! Advice?!

My ex boyfriend headbutted a car window because I 'stared at a man in the next car'.. my eyes were closed and i had sunglasses on as I get car sick.

Often heard 'oh i thought you said this' when I hadnt, or 'what did you mean by what you said 8 months ago?'
Makes you go mad and always have a guard up when people are digging for an inconsistency because they have trauma.

If you dont mind being downtrodden and patronised its fine cos it slowly but surely gets worse and worse.

I always found if i didnt display the same level of 'concern' it was taken as I didnt care. Its like it was his love language (personal trauma) or something.

In this case, I would give him clear texting/call time expectations.

Say, 'Please, know that when I am busy with something, I can text you the maximum in 2-3-4 hours so you know what to expect.

I wouldn't leave him because of that but try to start better communication about texts/call expectations but I understand that everyone is different.

@Priorityguineapig maybe more context is needed e.g. what is he saying? I jumped to red flag and I still think that's the case, but if you've mentioned a few times that your ex never did these things he could be massively over compensating. It really depends how extreme it is (e.g. you're 10 minutes late and he grills you where you are, you don't immediately respond so he phones repeatedly)

He is an adult. She shouldn't need to 'manage' him in this way.

He knows it's unacceptable- He repeatedly apologises. It's up to him to manage it. Not for her to do so.

Say, 'Please, know that when I am busy with something, I can text you the maximum in 2-3-4 hours so you know what to expect.

If he usually apologises and is 'nice' I can't see that he won't say he's sorry and will try to change it. That's why you are staying with him after all, because you hope he will and he can be nice. I don't think that will be a solution though, since you have already raised this lots of times. My DM was in a relationship like this with my DF. She got into it I think because he did appear that he cared in other aspects of their relationship. But the control got worse and worse. Once it seems 'normal' then you are pleased with small changes ('at least he now does this') and I think your boundaries are all over the place. You are somehow trained to expect less than a healthy relationship. It sounds like this has already happened to you due to your previous relationship - that's why you thought this was him 'caring and showing interest'.

I also think the making do at late 30s is a difficult place to be. After an abusive relationship I ended up with a man similar to the one you describe. He did, unusually, sort out his insecurity with me, but it was all over his life in other aspects eg work and our social life. I was in a hurry and conscious of my age and a desire to have a family. I made a big mistake and in retrospect was accepting much less than I should have been looking for, because of my age. I don't know if this is a factor for you.