Coping with an insecure boyfriend

[Priorityguineapig]

Hi all,

Just this really. He has always been like this and I kinda thought it would wear off in time as he got to know me but it’s exhausting. texting or calling I’m ok if the ‘tone of my text’ is off, excessive worrying if I’m slightly later home (we don’t live together) than I planned, even referring to old texts - on WhatsApp via the reply function to highlight tiny inconsistencies in something - like I said I did something twice, then today I said it was a few times and he goes back weeks to find the message where I said it was twice - I mean come on, it’s wasn’t even anything important.

If I call him out he just apologises a lot and says he will try and curb his anxiety and overthinking and I don’t think it’s malice (he never accuses me of cheating or anything even big) but it’s very wearing. He is amazing in every other way, seriously, very kind, funny, generous, attentive everything so I don’t want to just dump him but I do need a better way to manage it.

i know some people complain about not getting a text back, but sometimes if I don’t reply and he knows I’m off work etc he gets worried he has upset me?! I’m talking max an hour or 2 I have never left him all days etc

please help! Advice?!

I would say it is a form of control and the more you allow yourself to be ruled by him the more he will do it.

He knows you haven’t dumped him yet so he knows you are putting up with it at this level.

He will always apologise when he oversteps and you remind him but he won’t stop
He will be super nice and then he will do it again. Over and over again till you start to change. It is training and the only thing to do is run away.

So I think you need to have a proper talk, if his response is to listen and consider what he's doing, it's effects and where it stems from within him, then he goes about working out how to build himself up to a point where he can leave these destructive coping mechanisms behind, then great. Give him time, if he's working on it he'll get there.

Im not sure op should subject herself to even more of this - which she had out up with quite a bit of, and describes as wearying and exhausting, in the slim hope that he will change significantly and stay changed. This would take him getting counselling and doing a huge amount of work on himself, it could take a long time, it might never be changed.

Often people don't really change, they just find a partner who'll put up with it or stay with partners for as long as they'll put up with it.

This is a deeply unhealthy relationship, I'm not sure we should be advising op to give it even more time and spend more of her life like this.

Oh yes - and all those people on here saying run? listen to them.

You can’t “make” anyone feel anything without their express permission. In other words, he’s choosing to be “insecure” as a reason to be a controlling dick.

Some people seem to need to be in constant contact. Perhaps he is emotionally insecure and thinks you need constant reassurance too.

Have you tried just telling him? Oh - just re-read your post, I see you have tried.

The dredging up of old messages and looking for inconsistences in them is very OTT.

Everyone will be telling you to leave him (it seems to be a default response on here then everyone complains they are lonely) but you've already said there are a lot of positives.

Have you tried getting angry? "Look you are driving me mad......" and explain why very clearly.

Does he have experience of seeing healthy relationships - eg his parents, siblings and partners, friends?

Every time he gets the reply he is looking for it is positive reinforcement to continue. His psyche needs it, he prods for a response and then he gets it. He'll just carry on needing it and more and more, the behaviour feeds in on itself. It's a crutch. In the end if you don't respond in the way he craves, the problem is you. The longer it goes on the stronger it gets, which is why people say it will escalate.
The only glimmer of any hope is if he makes genuine serious efforts to address this and change (but this is highly unlikely as most men aren't interested in change out is easier for them to find someone to put up with it)

if his response is to listen and consider what he's doing, it's effects and where it stems from within him, then he goes about working out how to build himself up to a point where he can leave these destructive coping mechanisms behind, then great

Great idea. Except - what if he doesn't listen and doesn't think he's the problem and doesn't want to leave those destructive coping mechanisms behind - what then?

Couldn't agree with you more @LemonDrop22
I wasn't advising her to stick with him while he did this... Just saying that this is the only scenario where staying would make any kind of sense... Which given that this guy doesn't sound like he's doing anything close to even starting putting in that kind of work highlights how this is a flogging a dead donkey.

More and more controlling and suffocating.

Don't go out, don't wear that, who were you with, why don't you want to spend all your time with me, you don't need other friends and on and on and on.

Then it usually gets really nasty.

Run as fast as you can.

Thanks everyone. He did say his last relationship was tough, not the psycho ex level I have seen on here, but that he was made to feel not good enough, she stopped him doing his hobbies etc and that she didn’t care about him when he was trying - he is definitely a giving generous person. He was also with her for 6 years! So can’t see how she put up with it or whether she liked it or if he wasn’t like it and is generally abit thrown by it all and is now trying to (over) compensate!

Well in that case...
If he pays the problem lip service or doesn't credit your statement about what this does to you (and the relationship). with due validity, so that the only solution is for you to do lots of work thinking about what you can do to manage it while he steers an unwavering course of business as usual... then it doesn't have a future unless you are content to live like this forever (but your nerves will be shot to pieces eventually)

Sounds like an awful lot of hard work that may well not be worth it. Going back weeks to highlight tiny inconsistencies in messages? he sounds exhausting.

Neurotic.

Mental health issues.

He needs to sort himself out before embarking on a relationship, it is deeply unfair to a partner. He shouldn't have gotten into a relationship...you are unfortunately going to be the one left with ending it, because it sounds like he won't.

Op started this thread asking for solutions as this guy was great in other ways and didn't want to be told to walk.

But likely leaving him is the only way to escape these behaviors which will slowly erode her sanity and sense of what is normal and acceptable.

By having a serious talk and watching his response op can find out for herself that this has no future. She doesn't need to take out words for it, she still has hope and so the best way for her to arrive at a final decision of her own with peace of mind that the choice is the right one. It's to lay it at his door (where it belongs) and watch his response.
Most likely the response will be to minimise or avoid facing the issue. No change will be forthcoming from him and there you have it.. That's the future you can expect - your new suffocating normal.
Or maybe in a rare case he might hear the wake up call and act.
Very unlikely.
But from where op is herself maybe she needs to see that with her own eyes. Being armed with reassurance that the only acceptable strategy here is for him to do the spade work and change and not for her to learn to manage him is important.

"You said you did that twice X weeks ago, now you're saying you did it a few times ...."

And you said it wasn't even about something important.

And the questioning/commenting about your tone ... And how quickly you get back to him (is that right?)

That's the sort of behaviour that will start causing you mh problems yourself.

It's to lay it at his door (where it belongs) and watch his response.
Most likely the response will be to minimise or avoid facing the issue. No change will be forthcoming from him and there you have it..

I have no doubt op has been doing the above, in "small" ways for as long as she's been in the relationship.

He has had how long to change if he wants to and can.

More talks/interventions and more time is pointless.

She may as well talk to the wall nearest her.

Sorry OP cloying means like suffocatingly sweet.

cloying

adjective: cloying
excessively sweet, rich, or sentimental, especially to a disgusting or sickening degree.
"a romantic, rather cloying story"

I agree. But op didn't sound ready to hear that given she specifically asked to be given ways to stay and single handedly make it OK. She needs to get to the point where she can see the writing on the wall herself.

I once posted retrospectively about a relationship that was controlling. I was processing it after it broke down and I wanted perspectives based on his behaviour/the dynamic.

Some, wise posters said to run.

A few said the usual "talk to him, lay it out, give him the ultimatum etc".

They said it knowing this behaviour had been going on for months.

What did they think I'd been doing during those months?

Who takes unreasonable and controlling behaviour without (even mildly) challenging it and trying to discuss it? Very few people.

When behaviour is quite notable/extreme and relatively consistent over months or years; how likely is it to change... Very unlikely.

What they were saying was well intentioned but a complete waste of time and energy. I. Fact it would have kept me in that relationship being stressed and abused.

I was looking back, knowing it never changed and he never stopped.

In many cases, these are ingrained values issues within people, not changeable, not fixable.

but I do need a better way to manage it.

This is flawed thinking. He needs to manage it. Not you.

You have no control or impact in this. Only he does. An apology means nothing if the same thing keeps happening.

I meant to comment on that sentence too.
It was sad and worrying and frustrating to read.

This poster has nailed it.

See that would annoy me. I’d reply, “I wasn’t worried. Have a good day.” , or “Take your time, I’m fine. Xx”
Or just ignore them completely seeing as I haven’t posed the question.
I’m not a big texter though.

Lots of reply’s so I’m struggling to keep up, but I hear you all and feel that even by posting I know this isn’t right, I suppose I’m just worried that he is a great guy generally this seems to ruin it, a lot!

i am going to speak to him properly and if there isn’t any sign he wants to change then I’ll have to end it before it gets worse. Suck though…I just wish he would chill out a bit!

It’s skewed as well for me because my ex was the ‘never text back really, call, get excited, plan anything, treat me, remember important things about my life or what I had going on’ so when he did and does it’s like ‘omg he really cares’.

plus with dating (late 30’s as I am) is full of people being ghosted, just talking sex, no commitment etc so Iv been thinking he was almost the opposite to this in all ways so it must be a good thing

It would so my head in too.

I had a friend with high anxiety once. I didn't have a lot else going on at the time so I put up with it for longer than I would have otherwise.

He would send upwards of 150 texts in his most anxious evenings. They were just a downward spiral of anxiety and overthinking.

There was one evening when he started messaging me when he finished work around 4pm and the last message he sent me was around midnight. I'd stopped replying at around 4.30 and put the phone on silent.

He'd sat on his bed the entire time just sending me messages.

He apologised the following day for wasting my evening! I just replied that he hadn't wasted my evening, he'd only wasted his own because in that time I'd been to the hairdessers, cooked and eaten dinner, had a looong phone conversation with my friend, watched a film with my daughter and gone to bed.

Whilst he sat there getting increasingly anxious and messaging me.

That was how I managed it. I ignored him when he did it and engaged with him when he didn't.

I don't speak to him at all anymore because it became so bad that another friend actually reported him to the police for harassing me. I was called in for an interview, got a crime number etc. And had to promise the police that if he did it again I'd tell them and they'd 'speak to him'.

That was 3 years ago and I still see him out and about sometimes. I never speak to him but I hear he still tells people how badly I treated him 🤷🏻‍♀️ what can you do?

OP, there is nothing you can do that will have any impact on this situation.