Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople you see your comments are EXACTLY why I found it so hard to decide what to do.

You say it’s clear abusive. And in paper I’d agree with you.
But when DH has been behaving in similar fashion, I never felt he was abusive to me. It felt like he couldn’t cope and needed support.

It’s a mindfuck that I think we all have experienced there. None of us have ever felt that our partners ARE abusive as such. Hurtful yes but not abusive.
Rather we have tried to be supportive of their needs as autistic people. Getting told off fur trying to be supportive if our autistic partners because we felt they needed adjustments rather assuming they are twats is hurtful tbh.

You seem to find it easy to see what is and isn’t autistic behaviour and make the difference with being a twat. WE DO NOT.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople isn’t it a ablism to say OPs wife should have just ‘got on with it’ when she was experiencing shut down? Just because other Autistic people can doesn’t mean she can.

Agreed that with my ex he didn't mean to act in a way that, in NT people, would be considered abusive. He simply didn't, and doesn't, see the effects of his behaviour on others. He doesn't understand that you can't break up a fight between siblings by hitting one so hard on the back of the head that there's a hen's egg. He genuinely thought it was breaking up the fight. You could cry, because he has a good heart (most of the time) and thought he was doing the right thing ...

Classic example. Just perfect.

Hugs and compassion to all of you. It’s so very hard at times.

It is a mindfuck because it’s not deliberate.

Any time DH feels work is under threat he goes bananas.

Its incredibly important to him.

Same with exercise. He must be allowed to do both or he can’t cope with life generally.

Both are core coping and regulating activities that he must do to function “normally” in the rest of society.

If I took away either one he’d go off the rails completely.

He’d honestly go mad or have breakdown of some kind.

His routines are EVERYTHING to him and without them he’s lost.

When I needed medical assistance abroad he saw his routines and coping mechanisms under threat. So he threw me under a bus. He didn’t want to but in a moment of fear it came out as angry cold fury I was messing up his stabilisers. Any time his stabilisers are threatened he rears up.

So now I leave them alone. And of course there are others. And each and every one mounts up. It’s tiring to live like this.

Hugs to all. V tired atm. Visiting family and all trapped in one room. DH and DC are coping better than me, though I'm putting a lot of energy into helping DC regulate which is taking a toll.

I feel like I'm on a farewell tour at times.

I really recognise this Blue and I can honestly say there are many more moments of kindness than behaviours crossing the line. Many, many more. But the absolute lack of emotional connection is the bit that never changes. I feel more like a pet held in affection than a life partner. He simply doesn't see who I am in the way that others do. Ironically the traits people value in me most are invisible to him.

I am really astonished by how many of us in these relationships are now struggling with autoimmune disease. We are literally in self-conflict all the time as well as low-level, chronic conflict with a spouse. The more I read about this stuff the more I wonder if it's literally killing me staying. Possibly a few of us.

I know some with ASC monitor these threads so I wanted to post some reassurance that it is not all bad, but we do tend post here when we are struggling and looking for support. By it's very nature this thread probably comes across as very negative. I know only one other couple in a similar situation.

So today we've had a very normal day, DW is in her non-working routine so is utterly charming. We've planned some admin later, so if anyone has a hissy fit it'll be me. Then perhaps a walk if the weather isn't too bad. No idea about dinner, but it'll be leftovers for sure.

Should read

I know only one other couple in a similar situation. So this pretty much the only support I have.

And I've just positive for COVID

Yes to the low level conflict. With us it’s quite high-level conflict at times and I’m constantly having to explain why we shouldn’t do this or that with the children. DH obsessed with academia and grades and pushing the kids but neither do well with stress so I’m always pulling him back and explaining why they’re not like him. He has difficulty always wondering why people don’t operate and behave like him. He loves pressure, stress, goals, achievements, the harder the better.

In his view the world would be a much better place if everyone behaved more like him.

Even tonight as I was wearing four layers and he doesn’t feel the cold like I do he said “well won’t it hurt your skin eventually to keep wearing so many layers” and it’s almost veiled criticism as to “why can’t you be more like me”. It’s said in a slightly condescending tone as though I’m impaired in some way for feeling the cold. I never stop justifying my needs or decisions to him and it’s very exhausting.

Yes I agree about the autoimmune conditions. They are if not created, certainly exacerbated by the low level conflict that’s always present. When he’s not in the house it’s such a relief. I can exist without being questioned.

I would like to live alone again at some point. I find him exhausting. If I won the lottery I’d almost certainly divorce and it would be such a weight lifted.

But if I won the lottery he might also relax and calm down about money and return to the man I fell in love with 20 years ago.

i do miss that man.

But yes in between all this it’s slowly killing us. How long do we wait?

Oh Daft!!! I hope you’re not feeling too poorly?

Can anyone help? Is the rest of the family ok? I hope you feel better soon.

It sometimes feels like the bumpy ride never ends, does it?

Yesterday was rather unpleasant, weird aches and pains, sweats and chills. It'll pass.

I have just come back on to read and saw this above. I don’t want to comment on all the arguing but to say thank you as this sort of information really helps.
i am trying to understand if my dh memory problems may be due to adhd and it’s a minefield. I am pretty sure it does. For me this is about being able to support and understand him and get help myself not to make him the villain. So this thread for me is for this reason and I welcome more Information rather than all of the arguing

I hope it passes quickly @Daftasabroom and doesn't have any lingering effects!

Get well soon @Daftasabroom. Hope you’re getting some help and care

Yes get well soon @Daftasabroom hope you shift it quickly!

Thanks all, I'm feeling much better but with occasional crash. Total cabin fever ,😫

Just so you don’t think autistic people are entirely devoid of empathy, I also hope you recover quickly. This covid variant seems to be a bit of a beast.

Thank you @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople

I've never thought that at all, and have tried to correct some on these threads who have suggested it.

Happy new year everyone.

May this year brings you peace, whatever firm this will take.

@Daftasabroom hope you are feeling better. Covid is crap.

Much better thank you @VahineNuiWentHome

Happy New Year everyone!

Hello all! I'm new to this thread. So much resonates.

My 3 year old has been referred for ASD/ADHD. It has bought up a lot for DH. He isn't diagnosed but told me (once we were called in for a meeting about DS) that he is heavily dyslexic and also was referred for autism as a boy but they said "no" - but that was 40 year ago. He also has been told by a GP that he has OCD?

DH doesn't listen. Lacks empathy. He tries to, so I fell down the stairs recently and he tries "everything OK?" staring at me lying on the ground. . He also doesn't get involved in anything important (mortgages, school etc) but will be v animated about finding a slightly cheaper peanut butter for example

I could leave. I'm financially stable. In my 30s. But he wil struggles a lot. And I worry about the DC.

I agreed to not see a therapist anymore on agreement it would start with some MH support but I can't see it happening

Will keep reading all your stories and insights. So helpful. Solidarity x

Amy Schumer tells a story in her standup about falling over on an early date with her now-husband and him just freezing up, she recalls thinking 'Huh?!' and relates it to his later autism diagnosis.

My husband, also undiagnosed, can't cope with me being injured, ill or incapacitated in any way. He goes into a complete spin and I, the injured, ill or incapacitated one, end up comforting him.

I'm also autistic and nothing like that. So there's autism and autism really. Like there are thousands upon thousands of variations of roses, but they are all the same genus.

I'm also autistic and nothing like that. So there's autism and autism really. Like there are thousands upon thousands of variations of roses, but they are all the same genus.

the issue being when you expect your partner to be there for you and to somehow react/do something.
If you are chronically ill and have a partner whose autism variation is to freeze/go in a spin/not do anything, the mix isn’t good at all. I’d say it’s actually very hurtful 😢😢