Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

This is for Relationships. It's a relationship thing. Not an autism thing.

That’s an interesting comment.

Ive seen DH having that overnight click twice.

First was when dc1 was born and I had PND. I can still picture that moment. I physically felt it.
The second was this autumn. It wasn’t such a pinpoint moment but something clicked again and I have found back the man I first met. The difference is staggering and followed another health event.

Its very strange.

I can’t say it solved all our problems. It hasn’t. But it means it’s much easier for me to step back (because I get some of my connexion needs met). And him not taking absolutely everything as an attack means we can BOTH laugh at some if the mishap. (Rather than him being angry and me being frustrated and hurt).

Now who was the man that has been a pain to live with for the 19 years in between? I have no idea. I don’t think he was simply an arse. I mean if he was an arse 1 year ago, I wouldnt expect him not to be arse now iyswim.

I thought your boys were much younger @Daftasabroom !

Do you think they will move out at some point soonish?

i have to say though that if she's throwing things, insults, tantrums etc then it really can't be easy for the children, specially when they were young

But you don't know the person being described. The 2 autistic people in my family self define as autistic not people 'with autism'. They also strongly resist their autism being described as a disability, as you have repeatedly done. These things are probably the more common preference these days, especially among young people, and have been for years.

We can all speak to our own experience, as the experts. However it's not ok to tell others how to talk without wider context and learning on others and their needs and preferences, and wider cultural shifts.

We were once told DS1 would never move out. He happily went to a state residential school for T&G at 16, we dropped him at the train station, he literally didn't look back. He's halfway through his Oxbridge degree and can fly himself all over but I suspect he'll stay in academia.

I know the boys have found it hard, we all have, including DW.

Delighted to come on this thread. DH undiagnosed. DS has ASD and both have very same behaviours etc. DH refuses to accept he might have ASD. For the most part we have a great relationship as long as I tow his line.
But this week I got sick with bronchitis and DH just cannot cope with this. I have been so stressed the past few weeks organising Christmas for the family and working part time in an understaffed very busy hospital. I think I just ran myself into the ground.
DH is ignoring I'm unwell or was really stressed. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't ask how I am for fear that I'll say I'm worse.
He trotted off to work today totally oblivious. If I complain he won't listen. Changes the subject.
Yesterday I visited the GP. DH couldn't understand why I needed to see the doc but said he'd mind the kids while I did that!!!
When I arrived home with a prescription for steroids and antibiotics he was wondering did that mean I'd be ready for sex soon??? Like WTF!
Sorry for long rant. Just need someone to listen as sometimes I feel like I'm cracking up.

It sounds like your son is doing really, really well DaftasaBroom!

@Lakeviewhouse welcome! Very, very hard when your medical needs are ignored. It isn't you cracking up - you are entitled to support and help when you are ill!

Just a word on the thread: anyone in a NT/ND relationship is welcome. Best to keep comments specific on your situation, generalized comments can be deleted. Some ND people come here and actually appreciate this thread, which is for people who are struggling, others come here - despite it not being for them - and don't. It's best not to engage with unhelpful posts.

For the most part we have a great relationship as long as I tow his line.

This is worrying. If you have to tow his line, you're being controlled. Compromise in any relationship is essential, towing someone's line isn't.

Welcome @Lakeviewhouse !

Yes I can totally relate to the health issues being ignored.
Even more infuriating when he suddenly gets it and then tells me he was never dismissive
Its like he just doesn’t get how bad how I feel unless
1- he has experienced it himself (and it was bad)
2- a consultant has diagnosed an illness (NOT the GP….) and he considers that serious (eg diagnosis from a cardiologist)
But me saying I feel awful just doesn’t cut it…..

Its hard.

I broke my leg (properly) and DW went to bed for a week leaving me to look after two small boys. She does this but I think it's AS shutdowns, anything she isn't expecting really throws her.

@VahineNuiWentHome First was when dc1 was born and I had PND. I can still picture that moment. I physically felt it.
The second was this autumn. It wasn’t such a pinpoint moment but something clicked again and I have found back the man I first met. The difference is staggering and followed another health event.

There is hope yet!

leaving someone who has a broken leg to look after two children is not an autistic meltdown for goodness sake. It’s abusive behaviour (and doesn’t correlate at all to a mother who is supposedly “obsessed” with her children)

It is spectacularly ableist to continually blame autism for her terrible behaviour.

I'm autistic and have never behaved like the spouses on here, who may also happen to be autistic, but it isn't the crux of the issues. I don't throw things. Never been violent. I don't control my family. I don't run away or hide when things get tough, even if every cell in my body is screaming that I should.

THE AUTISM ISN'T THE ISSUE HERE.

I'll be writing to @MNHQ about this thread again, pointing out the ways it's ableist. If you look back over past threads there are huge rafts of things deleted by HQ, many of them written by the OP himself.

It's this. I've seen the same thing in my son.

Yes I know about autistic burnout /breakdown - I’m currently recovering from one - I’ve been signed off work for past 6m due to this happening (triggered by NT workplace bullying if you want to know why). They are horrible - you don’t want to be alive, you feel useless and a burden to everyone and I’m medicated up to the eyeballs. They are serious. So if that’s really what happened then I hope you were able to support your wife appropriately. My autistic husband certainly looked after me.

that said, I have never instantly had such a burnout triggered by one event such as a partner’s accident. And I most certainly didn’t stop caring for my young children and take myself off to bed just because something unexpected happened. My kids have no idea that their mum spent a couple of months in bed when they were at school.

an unexpected event can trigger a meltdown for sure - but not a week long one that includes abandoning your family.

There have been many messages that MNHQ have also deleted written by autistic people who have been exceptionally abusive to NT people on here. Swearing, ranting, failing to see our suffering and failing to acknowledge the difficulties that present with having ASD.

What's your point @BlueTick? The odd autistic person is a jerk? It's that true of everyone?

This is a recurring theme for many of us.

When I presented on holiday with a flare up of my autoimmune condition that required medical attention DH announced he’d “be on that plane tomorrow morning come hell or high water. Nothing is preventing me from going home. If you want to stay here and see a doctor that’s your choice but I’m not staying and I don’t care what you do. I’m going home. I need to be at work on Monday morning.”

Similarly when I had an operation my mum picked me up after. DH was at work.

Same for DD. He can never ever leave his obsession:work.

Additionally if they were that abusive all the time of course we’d leave. But the rest of the time it’s fine. It’s these momentary flashpoints that occur that are confusing and painful to NTs. My husband is a good man and I love him but he is hard work. He makes me cry and he doesn’t understand why.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople I'm truly sorry this happened to you. When it happened to DW it was so clearly not an abusive or lazy thing, and she didn't abandon her family, she trusted me to be able to deal with it, she was just unable to cope with a completely unexpected situation. She was utterly overwhelmed.

@jamoncrumpets she didn't run away or hide, it was a shutdown and it was horrid to be part of. She didn't move, couldn't eat and hardly spoke. The autism was absolutely the issue. My sons shutdown at the start of COVID lockdown, also his first term at Uni was equally terrifying.

I've since come to recognise mini shutdowns and mini meltdowns as almost akin to petit mals vs grand mals in epilepsy (that won't make any sense to anyone who has not lived through both).

I’m very sorry to hear you are being treated this way by a horrible abusive man.

but it is not his autism that drives him to this. It is his horrible, selfish and self-centred character.

you are being very ableist by suggesting this is typical of autistic people.

I don’t think it’s typical of all autistic people at all. My daughter is autistic and would handle this very differently.

But not all autistic people present the same, nor handle issues in the same way.

Please don’t call him a horrible abusive man. That’s mean and uncalled for. You don’t know him at all. He’s looked after us in other ways exceptionally well.

When I presented on holiday with a flare up of my autoimmune condition that required medical attention DH announced he’d “be on that plane tomorrow morning come hell or high water. Nothing is preventing me from going home. If you want to stay here and see a doctor that’s your choice but I’m not staying and I don’t care what you do. I’m going home. I need to be at work on Monday morning.

for me, this is abusive and horrible behaviour. Please don’t defend or normalise. Even if he is lovely 99% of the time, if he does things like this then he is not nice at all. My husband would never, ever do this to me nor me to him.

Also, your daughter is not getting a good impression of what a supportive and loving relationship looks like.

I am genuinely sorry you have to put up with this behaviour.

@BlueTick we are all part nature part nurture. But I think there is also a feedback where the situations we find ourselves in are affected by our personalities and traits, and these situations in turn inform and colour our lives going forward. I think as all of us get older we perhaps get more entrenched and polarised.

(Gosh it's like stepping on eggshells here sometimes.)

But not all autistic people present the same, nor handle issues in the same way.

I think this is something extremely important and worth repeating.

I have been hanging around ‘autistic Twitter’ (for want of a better word. I’m talking about the community of people with autism as well as autistic people on Twitter).
I never comment but listened to comments. I’m finding it very helpful to see patterns I didn’t know existed in DH and ds. Some people in here would feel very much at ease in that community.

But what I’ve learnt is that. The way autism express itself in people varies hugely.
Some people are adamant it’s nit a disability, they are functioning like anyone else and any issues is from NTs.
Others are just as adamant that autism is a huge disability and it affects every aspect of their life and makes them miserable.
From the outside what seems to be the main difference is that their autism doesn’t express in the same way. Some stuff seems to be harder to live with basically.
Other stuff seems to be very much what my life is as an NT but somehow is seen as specific to ASD 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Thats why I always have some issues with anyone telling me ‘oh but that behaviour is not linked with autism. It’s just <insert relationship, being a twat, whatever>
Because tbh, I think that separating the two is extremely hard if not impossible. And completely impossible from 3 sentences on a screen.