Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Yes but their autism is directly comparable to your condition and in that case it's the fault of neither of you.

It took me a very long time to get to that stage of understanding @VahineNuiWentHome

Remember that for many of us when we meet our partners we have precisely zero experience of autism. Our partners on the other hand will have a lifetime's experience of living with autism. This is obviously exacerbated if the partner is either undiagnosed or late diagnosed.

Sorry @jamoncrumpets I meant to tag you in the post as well. I should have put my specs on.

To no one in particular,

Are all these relationship issues not just down to compatibility?

Both people in the relationship are responsible for the relationship. You can't just say, "Well, I'm the normal one. You're the one with the disability, therefore it's up to you to manage your autism so it doesn't affect our relationship." That is wrong, ignorant and, yes, ableist. It's horrifying to see that these relationship issues are being blamed on autism, and therefore on the person with the autism.

Plenty of autistic people have happy, loving relationships. Not because they are less autistic or differently autistic, but because their partners are the right fit for them, just as they are the right fit for their partners. You can't blame autism for why your partner makes you unhappy. You're unhappy because he is not the person you want him to be. He is not what you need. There is no point in thinking, "If my partner didn't have autism, he would be able to respond to my needs." Well, yeah, and if I was grey and had a trunk, I would be an elephant. It's irrelevant. We are who we are. It has nothing to do with autism.

But obviously it is easier to deflect your joint incompatibility issues onto a disability/condition, and therefore the person with the disability/condition, (because you believe ND is the "inferior" ability?), rather than accept that you are equally responsible for why the relationship doesn't work well. This way, you get to be the "victim", the innocent party, and are allowed, supported and encourage to openly tear into autism and promote ableism by stealth.

Yep @BadNomad this thread is 100% ableist. And yet @MNHQ let's it stand. Maybe one day they'll wake up and delete it.

Exactly this.

I'm physically disabled. My partner likes to do outdoor stuff. Walking across and up and down mountains. Wild camping.

Imagine if he told me to be less physically disabled so I could join him

🤷🏼‍♀️

@BadNomad

You can't just say, "Well, I'm the normal one. You're the one with the disability, therefore it's up to you to manage your autism so it doesn't affect our relationship." That is wrong, ignorant and, yes, ableist. It's horrifying to see that these relationship issues are being blamed on autism, and therefore on the person with the autism.

No-one is saying this, it is only a few posters who are coming here and making a straw man which is then being re-posted by others with the same agenda.

I find that so bizarre. Anywhere else on MN, if someone says "My partner is from <foreign country>, he does <something negative>." and someone replies with "It's because of his culture" that person, rightly, gets jumped on for being racist, reported, and their comment gets deleted.

Yet, it's ok to say "My partner is autistic, I hate <these things> he does." and have people reply with "Yeah, it's so hard to live with autistic partners."

When, actually, they mean it's so hard to live with people they are not compatible with.

People do say it, though. Even more people imply it. People are encouraged to sit their partners down and tell them, "I need <this> from you" while knowing or not understanding that it isn't something they can do or learn. Then there are comments about how unfair it is that the NT person is expected to try to understand the ND mindset, but not the other way around. As if ND people just don't want to put in the effort. As if ND people are choosing to not understand. As if ND people are expecting other people to make allowances for them out of a sense of entitlement, rather than out of necessity.

It really is simple, though. If you are not compatible with each other, then you are not compatible with each other.

@BadNomad People do say it, though.

Er, no we don't.

Please don't make sweeping generalisations, and in particular please don't conflate posts here with others elsewhere.

You really are making a complete straw man of this.

People do say it though. There are posts about what undiagnosed but self diagnosed by their partners autistic people have to do to self regulate and how problematic it is.

I'm physically disabled (as well as autistic). I'm shattered today because of my physical unwellness and I needed to spend today doing not very much to enable me to function tomorrow or I will crash. I'm in pain.

So I didn't go out to do things I had planned and I cancelled.

But if that had been due to my autism I'd have been difficult and annoying and it would've been portrayed on here as a real negative

But, if you really loved him, you would try to change for him!

Married to someone with physical disabilities: support thread 7

Send him that link so he can talk about how he wants you to climb mountains for him, but you won't because of your condition, and how hard that is for him.

Exactly @BadNomad

If I lived him I'd join him in his activities and be the outdoor person to match with him so we could do things together.
Instead of which he does his thing, I do mine, and he understands that I can't do what he does (nor is he able to do what I do as hobbies/to relax, nor does he want to!)

*loved

Any time DH feels work is under threat he goes bananas.

Its incredibly important to him.

Same with exercise. He must be allowed to do both or he can’t cope with life generally.

Both are core coping and regulating activities that he must do to function “normally” in the rest of society.

If I took away either one he’d go off the rails completely.

This. As an example. I'm physically disabled. There are coping mechanisms I "go off the rails" without. Downtime is incredibly important to enable me to cope with pain.

No one. NO ONE. would describe someone coping with physical disability in this way.

And it would be deleted as ableist. But because it's pegged as autism related it's fair game.

Oh Daft!!! I hope you’re not feeling too poorly?

Can anyone help? Is the rest of the family ok? I hope you feel better soon.

It sometimes feels like the bumpy ride never ends, does it?

See also. This. The "bumpy ride" of an infectious disease, a virus, being lumped in with a disability.

See, that's how it's supposed to be. Acceptance. Understanding. No resentment. No blame. No deflection. No crying and wishing for the other person to be something they aren't.

All these complaints and issues within relationships with autistic partners occur in relationship where there is no autism. So what is the cause, then, hmm? The answer is usually: "you're just not compatible."

Hi all. I found this thread and wondered if anyone could help. My boyfriend (sort of, it's been reasonably casual) has autism but is generally high functioning and has a good job and a social life. He is so emotionally distant / odd when it comes to my feelings. I think we are breaking up. What can I expect in a break up. Will he be able to cut off extremely easily (he's not emotional) or struggle with the change of routine and not speaking to eachother. I'm likely to be a mess and his being completely fine straight away is going to hurt me. I'd like to be prepared for what the likely scenario will be

@BadNomad I do and don't agree with you on this. My exDH I believe is ND (our D12 has recently been diagnosed). Yes we were fundamentally incompatible and to me it was like living with an alien and I'm sure he would say the same. My mental health was shot to pieces by the time we separated, I had PTSD and severe anxiety. I really went through an awful time.

I loved and still love the bones of this man. He is the love of my life and if we'd known he may be ND we could have worked together as a team so that I could understand what he needs and vice versa but in the midst of our marriage I would feel like I was banging my head off a wall and couldn't for the life of me understand why he couldn't see what I could. The resentment and anger I had towards him can not be underestimated and it has taken me years to work through that.

When you are in a marriage where you believe your needs do not matter a shit to the other person it is utterly soul destroying. You know you're a good person, you know they're a good person, you love your partner and you want your marriage to work. It is a very lonely place to be and it really has a huge affect on your mental health. Unless you've been in an ND/NT relationship it really is difficult to understand the dynamics that go on and the effect a relationship like this has on both parties, not just the NT person.

The fact it’s hurtful or hard to live with doesn’t mean it’s his fault

And I don’t mean emotionally hurtful either. For me it’s physically hurtful and affecting my health.

Eg DH freezes re me being unwell. So he does nothing
if he does nothing (eg shopping) then I have to do it and it’s making me physically unwell for days.

This might be a repost but:

I loved and still love the bones of this man. He is the love of my life and if we'd known he may be ND we could have worked together as a team so that I could understand what he needs and vice versa but in the midst of our marriage I would feel like I was banging my head off a wall and couldn't for the life of me understand why he couldn't see what I could. The resentment and anger I had towards him can not be underestimated and it has taken me years to work through that.

This

No one. NO ONE. would describe someone coping with physical disability in this way.

Hmm… I have ME and POTS. And I disagree.

Comments along that sort of line for sufferers are common. Incl from GPs, consultants etc… its all in your head and if you got up and did something you’d feel ok.
Same with family and friends.
Actually those family and friends often fall by the way side because you cancel due to fatigue, headaches etc… and very quickly people don’t bother with you. They dont get it. And often dint understand that there is no treatment either.
There are other illnesses who get the same treatment.

Btw I agree about the incompatibility idea. That has been in my mind for a while.

But one reason why I stuck to it is because of the message that I was somehow at fault for asking too much of DH, not knowing enough about autism (no idea how I would have found out more. Books from autistic people, blogs etc… didn’t help much tbh). That it was all MY fault for being ableist. And I loved him and wanted my marriage to work. So I stayed.

Incompatibility is much better because it assumes it’s no one’s fault. I wish someone had told me that years ago….

@VahineNuiWentHome there's not a thread on mumsnet called "married to someone with ME: support thread" (or pots or any other physical disability) that describes all the things the disabled person cannot do as a result of their disability and expresses that they need to change.