Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

I didn't imply anything.

The ouch was to do with the dehumanising of ND people.

I think this is an public forum, and I would much prefer to see posters airing their discrimination being challenged and actually taking stuff on board. Even posts just being deleted hide the extent of this discrimination and I think it should be out in the open

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

that’s a great point and I’d never thought of that. MNHQ will be judged too. All 6 “glorious” threads with their ableist narrative there for all to see.

(though I don’t think many posters who have self-diagnosed their partners will ever admit to being ableist - if only they were willing to learn!)

My husband's ADHD meant that he forgot to turn his office radiator off all Xmas, and when he went there to fetch all the gifts we had been storing in there it was like a sauna and every edible gift was completely ruined.

Didn't feel the need once to come on Mumsnet and have a good moan about him. He didn't mean it. It isn't the most forgetful he's been, not the least either.

Wanting a space to console each other about your disabled spouses being disabled is gross.

I find so many of the posts here resonate. It massively helps me navigate some sort of path across the really difficult terrain that is the relationship between myself and DW.

When someone with "no skin in the game", which I would take to mean neither AS or in an AS relationship, refers to all our partners as "abusive cunts", I despair. My DW is neither abusive or a cunt, she is AS.

And if anyone wants to go toe to toe on a thread about the effects of disability, particularly behavioural, and violent psychotic episodes related to epilepsy and the impact on siblings, I promise you have no idea.

Yes you did. With the word “ouch” you become defenceless victims. And then it’s a one way street as everyone must do things your way and accommodate your needs. Black and white. I’m evil, you’re good. No half way house. The same rigid thinking. My way or no way.

This is my last message. You will twist things until you’re the only one whose needs are accommodated, via emotional blackmail and ableist slurs.

Im out and I really should heed my own advice. Rolling my eyes at myself.

Daft im so so sorry to read your last paragraph. It sounds like you have had and are having such a tough tough time. Just wanted to say I see you and witness your feelings. They are all valid and I just hope things can improve. You deserve so much happiness and good times after all that you cop with.

You can try to read more into what I said. But it's not there. The ouch was specifically for the infantilising and dehumanising of ND people. We are people. Not just our neuro diversity. Please can you remember that.

I am not AS. Your wife/husband/partner is not AS. They have ASD. It is not what they are.

@bestchristmasever it’s up to the person with autism to say wether they prefer to be know as autistic or has autism, not you.

Sorry my post above was meant to quote this but I forgot to link it.

It wasn't a person with autism who described themselves.

I did mean to say too (apologies for multiple posts I genuinely do have a shit memory!) that there is so much contempt in some of these posts on this thread, it's really noticeable. This is why an echo chamber where different points of views are ignored, isn't helpful. The striking contempt is indicative of a relationship that's gone badly wrong/beyond repair. Venting may be a short term relief, as is blindly attributing all abusive traits to a condition (especially without a proper assessment/diagnosis) but it doesn't address any underlying issues. The comment (sorry I can't find it reading back now so I'm paraphrasing) warning their DC not to marry someone like their parent is chilling.

This is exactly what I'm trying to say. Well said.

I don't think@bestchristmasever did imply that in this context myself ... I agree with you 100% though, it shouldn't be all one way, either way, and both have to try to accommodate the other's different needs.

For myself though, I am not interested in engaging with people who cannot or will not accept that autism, which is characterised by difficulties in communication with NT people, can bring problems in relationships. I look at some of the posts and think "giant theory of mind problem right there".

I am glad, and grateful for, the ND people who come here and acknowledge that positive things can come out of these threads. Where people are genuinely trying to communicate rather than say "how terrible you all are" (either way around) I can learn.

Very well said BlueTick

We are all navigating very different situations.

I made the decision to leave my marriage, others are looking for ways to support their marriages.

But I do think we have to be careful that we acknowledge that we may have different needs to our neuro diverse partners, or in my case, soon to be ex partner.

It is interesting that the person I have started a new relationship with has ADHD. I think I have a taste for people that are unconventional which plays a part in this.

We are all doing our damned best to negotiate the relationships in our family. I can never end the relationships with my son who has ADHD and daughter who has autism. I choose to end the relationship with my husband as I just cannot compromise myself and my feelings any more.So sometimes one persons needs do eventually trump another persons and I have chosen to set myself free from the constraints.

It is very hard to separate someone’s Autism diagnosis from them as a person. I continue to totally respect my soon to be ex in a lot of ways, just acknowledge that we need different things in life now our kids are older.

No it was their husband who would know their preference.

Their husband said this

”My DW is neither abusive or a cunt, she is AS”

she is AS….. she is Asperger Syndrome

that is obviously wrong.

But yes it is absolutely right that every autistic person gets to state their preferred term.

DH, high functioning Asperger's, (DD was diagnosed before the terminology changed) has suggested I seek therapy.

I am obviously unhappy and frustrated with our relationship.

I picked my moment, and yesterday suggested when he spoke about something he also named the emotion that best fitted. So instead of the thing broke down, we need to find the warranty. Say I'm cross the thing broke down but luckily I have the warranty - he can't do it, it's a waste of time .

I don't need therapy, I need an emotional partner. DH literally thinks emotions are a waste of time and energy.

He was a great boyfriend but as soon as he promised for better for worse in sickness & health , he completely switched to efficiently ploughing through life in a straight line.

Hopefully, I'm giving DD more tools to navigate this. I am afraid of the article linked a couple of times above about the public value of the caregiver and how that is undermined by lack of celebration. I've certainly had nothing for Xmas and birthdays and mother's day more than once, it made me very apprehensive around celebrations.

He was a great boyfriend but as soon as he promised for better for worse in sickness & health , he completely switched to efficiently ploughing through life in a straight line.

This. ^

The addition of children has made him irascible. He can’t cope with the noise, the extra demands on his time, providing the emotional support they need.

He uses work to escape the need to interact and be present in any part of our lives.

And don’t get me started on the routines and that we NEVER have anyone over. I have lost so many friends.

RabbitTastic I am sorry you are experiencing such frustration and difficult times. I feel the same way. There is no desire to engage and understand, just to bypass completely.

I don’t know what the answer is but just wanted to say please come here any time and vent.

It’s so very hard to feel disconnected for so long.

@BlueTick @RabbitTastic

I never saw the overnight switch that so many other people do. It was more a series of switches like somebody turning out the lights one by one. Girls are renowned for presenting AS differently, throw in hormones and babies to the mix and it's easy to overlook something you're not looking for, or are trying to shut out.

One day when DS1 was about 2.5 I told DW "wow I feel like I'm getting my wife back". She got pregnant with DS2 shortly after and I've never seen that person for any length of time again. The boys are her career but at the expense of our relationship, her career, our financial stability etc.

That's so sad Daft. I agree I haven't seen the man I married many years ago since either. Initially it was the perfect relationship. You're right that it was a slow withdrawal although there were some key moments.

One day he called me mid-morning after about 6 months and apologised profusely for what he was about to do which was to take a job for 1 year where he would have to work all hours that God sends.

That was 17 years ago now. He promised it would be for one year only. But it's never stopped. He works relentlessly and is obsessive about money and winning. His whole life is work. He has no room for us. I should never have married him. He is thoroughly absent throughout everything.

I hope one day he may retire and return to the person he was. Do you think that might ever happen with DW as the children get older and more self-sufficient?

How old are they now?

I have wondered (if I last in my marriage) if it was just the two of us again, how that would flow. Would we return to the former way of being fairly comfortable? He was a completely different person back then.

"And if anyone wants to go toe to toe on a thread about the effects of disability, particularly behavioural, and violent psychotic episodes related to epilepsy and the impact on siblings, I promise you have no idea."

I absolutely do, OP. Many childhood memories of my sibling being driven away under blue lights.

Your DW carried both of your kids, yes OP? And she seemed to change a lot after the birth...

Interesting...

"She gave up with me to be obsessed with DS1 and more so with DS2. It's right that if she's obsessed with anything it's the boy's but it's been at the sacrifice of our relationship."

This isn't autism. This is biology, OP.

Men come on here disgruntled all the time that women are seeming to choose their children (that they carried inside their bodies, nourished within their bodies, are biologically primed to care for, yknow, nothing major) over them. And MN roundly tells the men to fuck off because women are SUPPOSED to behave like that.

But you come here saying it's because your DW is neurodiverse and she's Satan? Nah mate. Not buying it.

@BlueTick she's a fantastic mum and I would never try to take that away. The boys are 17 and 20.

I wonder about just being a couple again. But will we ever be able to explore life together? I've no idea.