Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@Inmyotherlifeiwasan

I too wonder if it's possible to get back to a place with my DH where any kind of affection doesn't feel awkward. I crave for intimacy in the bedroom, too...

My DH wants to try and improve our relationship, but for so many years, he's blamed me for so many of his challenges that it's very difficult for me to break down the wall that I've put up to prevent the hurt I feel. Like, last weekend, I help him with something in a shop (all went well, apart from actually having to go into a shop, probably), then, not long after, he lost his temper with me in public. I try and move away, then he walks off to continue with his meltdown. I find it so difficult be on the receiving end of his verbal attacks and then want to be affectionate in any way shape or form...

Anyway, since my DH was formally diagnosed last month, I've found an ebook called "Living with an Asperger Partner", which you can buy online for $19 (USD). I think it was written a while back, so some of the terminology is a bit dated. I haven't read it all yet, but I've found what I have read relatively useful so far and makes feel like I'm not mad for feeling like the way I do about DH and our relationship!

Here's a link to the website for the book: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/2016/01/living-with-aspergers-partner-ebook.html?m=1
There's a lot of information and videos on the website, there's a money back guarantee (30 days) and you can also email the author for more advice if needed.

Hi indigo, I fear the simple answer is no. I see DP on the telephone or talking to others in public and the mask is up. Together, back in the empty nest the mask drops and it’s my problem again.

Threads like this are amazing because you feel you’re not alone. I don’t want therapy, or the cost, but sometimes I feel I just want to just get it all off my chest, not for advice, just to vent. Thankfully the dogs not a snitch.

You want your DH to mask with you too? Do you realise how much love and trust your partner must have in you to drop the mask around you?

I’d love DH to be able to have an intimacy with me, some emotional connexion.
it’s not going to happen with him. He is not able to connect with others in a way that will feel meaningful to me.

So the choice is to leave or live HIS version of marriage and somehow be content with it.

It would probably be acceptable if all the rest if our life wasn’t also dictated by HIS wants, needs, decisions. And if I wasn’t left aside, expected to just follow his lead.

Personally @bagelbagelbagel, I've acknowledged this on this these threads a number of times. But the flip side is to feel completely taken for granted, that my needs don't matter. Again it has been posted by a number of us that our partners see us as extensions of themselves and if they are happy we must be too.

Interestingly I was chatting to an ex of a really good friend and it's clear that for many of us, not just those of in ND relationships, that the way some people behave within a partnership can be very very different to the way they behave and treat those outside of the relationship.

The question of whether we want our partner to mask is an interesting one tbh.

• if they don’t mask, they get to be themselves and not have to put on a show for their dearest and closest. But as a partner, I feel ignored. There is no real connexion. My needs for connexion are dismissed
• If they do put on a mask, their need to relax, wind down and be themselves is negated but my need to be seen (might!) be fulfilled (eg with DH asking me questions in a subject that interest me, doing some small talk etc…).

Is it ever ok to say that the need if one person can and should be negated in favour of the needs of another?

I used to be on these threads under another name and left because I was fed up of being told that (essentially) my marriage with an ASD partner was all fine, I was the problem for thinking he's not empathic because he displays none ever. I was unreasonable to want him to engage, try to understand things from our point of view (me and the kids) or just accept that we are allowed to have alternative viewpoints to him. Not only that, it was ableist of me to want him to try and understand his own kids. It was ableist of me to do anything other than accept his behaviour towards me and our children.

I got fed up of being told that if a person with autism is behaving badly (treating me as an extension of them, not engaging with me, showing me no empathy ever etc.) that's not the autism, that's just them being a not very nice person.

I have been in the wilderness with this for a while.

Then I came across a book on audible called the Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mizra. It explained about 80-85% of my relationship. So maybe all those people getting on my case were right. Maybe autism has nothing to do with relationship difficulties, it's actually an additional issue.

I'm definitely not saying that people with autism = people who are narcissistic. I am saying that it may be possible in some cases to be both. It certainly seems to be in my lived experience.

There may be some people here who also find it useful.

Maybe autism has nothing to do with relationship difficulties, it's actually an additional issue. AT PLAY (is what I should have written there - sorry that was ambiguous).

The specific condition you've referred to here fits almost exactly the profile of my MiL, who is almost certainly also autistic. We are nc with her as she controlled and abused my DH growing up and tried to continue the pattern into his adulthood.

I find much of what goes on in the relationships in these threads absolutely unrecognisable in the context of my own relationship, though I am of course able to imagine that many different types of relationships exist.

I find it very heartening that you were able to examine the nature of your own relationship and find that many of the negatives weren't necessarily attributed to autism. That shows an open mindedness that makes me less fearful for my own autistic children and their futures.

@bagelbagelbagel im always 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 when people talk about autistic people as if they were an homogenous group.
It is obvious that some autistic people will also be abusive/an arse etc… just like NT are.

But just as obviously it is also clear that autism doesn’t present in the same way in every individual. I believe some autistic traits are easier to cope with than others. And that whatever is easier to cope with for the NT in the mariage will depend on the NT themselves too.

So whilst it is good to take into account the fact some behaviours are actually abusive blabla, I have an issue with the idea that ALL issues in an ASD/NT marriage are down to narcissism/abuse/whatever and never from the competing and sometimes incompatible needs if the two people involved.

I imagine it's possible that autistic people might to be more likely than NT people to develop diagnosable personality traits but I don't recall reading or even seeing anything on that.

If you google narcissism vs autism you will find lots of interesting reading. Before our ds then dh was diagnosed with autism I was almost convinced that dh had narcissism. A lot of the 'symptoms' can be the same but the motivation behind them is different. Although the motivation I'd different you still have to deal with the self centredness etc so I'm not sure in a relationship how much it actually matters what the motivations are when you are still on the receiving end of it though.

Disclaimer: not all autistic people are the same, not every autistic person will display symptoms of narcissism blah blah

Also this has been mentioned several times, autistic people develop coping mechanism to deal with their issues relating to the world/an ableist society/people having no clue what autism is etc…

Some of those are very helpful. Some of those aren’t. Some of them are downright hurtful to the people around them or to themselves.
It doesn’t mean they are ‘bad’ people. Or that autism is impossible to live with.
It does mean that some of those people are harder to live with.

Eg At some point, DH decided that his protection mechanism was to say YES. Yes to anything as to avoid any potential ‘confrontation’/disagreement. For small things and for big things.
He said Yes when he meant Yes and said Yes when he meant NOOOOOOOO.
Im sure you can imagine how well all that went. And how hard everyday things became.

@leithreas many autistic people have been MISdiagnosed with MH issues such as narcism, bipolar etc…
It’s a real issue.

So is the very high level of suicides tbh.

I dropped out the thread, sorry to plop and run.

I had wondered if DH had personality disorder traits - his lack of empathy is total. He’s not cruel but his behaviour can be cruel because if doesn’t occur to him to consider me or the kids feelings. It doesn’t happen much but there are definitely weekly occurrences where I am standing jaw dropped and he wanders off oblivious.

that is getting worse, he cannot be criticised for anything, he is so defensive it is unbearable . We have to do a dance of “it’s not my fault, stop picking on me, you’re not perfect, here are all the things about you which are horrible and I put up with….” before we can actually discuss the thing.

I don’t think he has a PD. I think he is confused most of the time and cannot understand why I am so fucking miserable. Which is frustrating because I do tel him how to resolve it. I need conversation, physical touch and something to look forward to - if he could do those things every day I would manage.

and then I am sad because I don’t want to just manage. I want to be happy and to laugh and not to constantly crave emotional connection.

this man has no need of friendship, why he got married to me is a mystery.

yhere isn’t a solution. He will only get worse.

it is a matter of either accepting the behaviour which I find as painful as it would be if it WAS being done to be cruel - or leave.

Leaving the marriage because I rejected him because of the way he was wired feels cruel too. So much for the vows, you know?

I am tired and lonely and sad. That is forever if I stay.

what a fucking mess relationships can be.

Relationships forum is full to the brim with scenarios similar to this, and the people in those relationships are presumably mostly neurotypical. Your husband and you being incompatible is as much to do with you as it is with him,

Well, you could say that of all relationships that break down for wherever reason, which doesn't get us very far.

The thing that astonishes me is just how relatable the posts on this thread are. There is a very clear and recognisable pattern of behaviours. It doesn't mean these behaviours are inevitable but I find it really striking how many of us are experiencing the same things.

If I had my time again I would make some very different choices.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/

relatable

I’m so sorry…. It’s so hard…. The round and around is so familiar. You believe again and again that it will be different and then it’s the same .

I’m at a point where I regularly feel such an overwhelming deflation and emptiness. With some love that is hard to explain. But regularly these days I look and think…. I’m not sure we will be together forever anymore, because this will never change…. And I have learnt over time I crave connection. I feel I have forgotten what connection is. To have someone gaze in to your eyes ask you what you are thinking…. Share their thoughts…. And even that makes me feel guilty. It’s so confusing

I think that is fair, @bagelbagelbagel

ig I was able to accept his inability to keep his vows I would. The diff between here and the relationships board is that I don’t think he is being an arsehole. I think his behaviour is down to lack not arse.

thoug, it is possible to be both ND and an arse.