Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Thanks @TomPinch , maybe you’re right it is worse since his unemployment.
His role is supposed to be SAHP and homemaker I suppose, by default. And that’s what he jumps up to look like he’s doing when he hears the floorboards creak.

@TomPinch

Thank you for welcoming me. It sounds like your DW is very lucky to have you.

I tried not to react yesterday when my DH was getting angry at me in public yesterday. I moved away from him when he started punching his hand with his fist in furious manner. He told me I was being rude when I moved away (never mind the fact that he was having a go at me in public...), so he came over to where I was, carried on having a go at me and then stormed off. That's the sort of thing I have to deal. I find it so hard to 'get over' because it's so personal.

I wish I could just smile and laugh, but when he gets so angry towards me, I just want to get away. Today, I have so far stayed away from him all day, despite us being in the same house with our DSs.

It's great that your DW 'owns' her diagnosis. While my DH only received his formal diagnosis a few weeks back, I told him I suspected he was on the spectrum about sixteen years ago. I think he's in denial over it and during the interview part of the autism assessment spent a lot of time blaming people (e.g. me) or circumstances (e.g. work) for his difficulties. As soon as he got his diagnosis, he had a meltdown and stormed out.

@BlueTick Thank you for your message.

My DH was only interested in when my DS's music lesson finished, as that was the only thing that affected him that day - it was the time we'd go home. He otherwise has little input in our DSs lives. I organise and do EVERYTHING and always have done. This was particularly difficult when the children were young.

Yes, DH's behaviour has become worse after having children, but we had children not long after getting married. So during the early part of our relationship, I feel like he was masking all the time (I didn't know it at the time), but as the mask slipped off more and more as, it's like I'm married to a different person. I wish I'd seen what he was like properly unmasked before walking down the aisle...

When DH is calm, that's when he's generally 'zoned out'. Physically all there, mentally off in a different land...

@BlueTick

Yes, we've be very close to separating twice. Both times, DH "tries hard" for a while, but of course, things inevitably go back to the way they were. It's so frustrating that he can be more engaged or more helpful when he can be bothered.

At the dinner table, my DH might as well be reading! He's zoned out the majority of the time. He'll dip into a conversation, then miss a large part, then maybe ask a question about something that's already been talked about. It doesn't bother me any more, but it used to because I didn't understand why he'd be all chatty if we had guests, but zone out of it's just the immediate family. Now I know he's unmasked when it's just with the immediate family and he should feel comfortable to be unmasked in front of us.

We don't do much as a couple any more either. I used to organise things, but it was always me who made the effort, but now I've lost the motivation to make the effort and DH certainly wouldn't think to!

Thank you again for sharing your experiences. It's made such a difference to me not to not feel so alone in all of this.

Yep we do nothing as a couple anymore. It’s in part because I’m ill and can’t do all the stuff I used to do that DH loved (all outdoor type of stuff). In part because I’ve stopped trying. And in part because DH just can’t be bothered to do things I like (and can do) because they don’t interest him.

But the result is that we have less and less in common. He isn’t interested in small talk so there is no communication going (I mean I had to ‘teach him’ how to interact with the dcs at the dinner table, have a few questions to ask about their day and generally be interested in them….).
In 6 months time, dc2 will be at Uni. It will only be us two….. It’s scary tbh.

@BlueTick you could be describing my life….

I have spent too much time trying to save that marriage, at the detriment of my health.
And now I feel stuck because I’m disabled, can’t work etc…
Im learning though. To put myself and my needs first. I’m also aware that by doing that, the gap between me and DH is getting wider and wider….

@WakingUpDistress In 6 months time, dc2 will be at Uni. It will only be us two….. It’s scary tbh.

Us too (assuming DS2 studies).

Does anyone else have a perspective on empty nests?

My nest is empty because of infertility and loss and tbh one of my fears from a future of childlessness is of it just being me and him, forever. There isn’t enough human interaction for me when it’s just us. I get quite lonely. I have friends etc but I wfh and also don’t see them daily!

@BlueTick I’ve asked myself that question many times. And I have no idea…

It’s the balance between the effort and stress associated with a divorce and the freedom coming from being on your own again and the stress and struggle associated with living in your own (for me. Atm I’m heavily dependent on DH for most things tbh).

What I know is that there is no way I could have coped with a divorce and raising two children.

What I suspect is going to happen is that there will be more and more distance between me and DH. Both because the ‘glue’ that the dcs are won’t be there. And because of personal circumstances (a whole lot of other issues involving DH taking decisions for the whole family Wo involving me at any point….).

I understand and completely empathise with what you say. Mine has a 'hobby' that will take up every waking minute of his spare time. Of course he says I just have to ask and he will do things with 'us', but why should I have to?

And then I think about my first marriage, and it's the same as you seeing all of your friends having a social life together, as I did. And I remember who organised it all then, of course it was me, and will probably have been your friends.

So, what I'm clumsily trying to say is, stop expecting him to organise anything, we have to organise things for us as a couple, ourselves. Otherwise life will get very very lonely. And if he doesn't want to spend time with you, then if you want to stay in the marriage, it is time to make time for yourself. That is what I do. And yes, it's lonely. Perhaps I will drag him out for lunch this week.....

I really feel for you. I'm so sorry you have got to such a stage in your marriage that you don't want to keep pushing

I have suggested inviting a couple we.like to lunch. His response - but they will stay too long (erm perhaps because they are enjoying themselves). That really means that he will have less time for his hobby. I will continue to insist that he socialises though. I think he is may not be as impossible as some of the spouses on this thread, but it is just so hard ..

My first husband wasn't Asd but I still did all the heavy lifting re the social life. He was easy in fact, but I didn't know.

My second husband managed to 'mask' a lot until I was way into the marriage. At least I don't have children with him, but I am too old and too tired to have a third go.

Interestingly a lot of single women I know of my age (post 60s) are living happily without men, with no intention of changing.

It’s he loneliness I find crushing.

there is an old experiment about child development. Mum
plays with baby, then blanks baby. Baby laughs at first, then gets confused, tries to make eye contact and then is distressed, mum smiles and normality is restored.

I showed DH the video of the experiment “why would anyone do that to. Baby? That is cruel!”

”that is us, thoigh. I can’t get a reaction from you. I can’t get you to look at me or see I have a need”

he “got” that and tried for his usual 3 days - 3 months cycle. Then back to the crushing normal.

he missed something though, in our house the experiment never ends. There is never laughter and reassurance and reconnection.

I keep thinking i am used to it, that it is tolerable and there are worse men, he’s doing his best, there are worse things: but it isn’t true.

I met a bloke through work the other week, there was nothing romantic or silly - just two people working on a day’s peoject, but he was funny and engaging and commented on things I’d said previously. I enjoyed his company. It was refreshing to have reciprocation and a bit of a laugh. And eye contact! That was exhilarating.

I have to leave DH, this will never change and it is too hard.

how do you leave someone who is doing their best? Some of his behaviour is mean spirited, but that’s because he’s so lost, he’s not really mean in his nature - he is as tired and bitter as I am. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t mean it though, I am so crushed. It would be nice to be lonely alone.

how utterly pathetic. What a waste
of hope and anticipation and love.

it’s just sad.

how do you leave someone who is doing their best?
Yep that 😢😢

@stealtheatingtunnocks your comparaison with the experience with the baby is hitting a raw nerve here. Because yes there is no reconnection. And I am not sure DH even realises that there is disconnection in the first place iyswim.
Which then brings me to another issue I’m struggling with
How can I leave someone because of their disability?

Hi
Hoping I can vent.
have a very good understanding of autism. So not after explanation / advice on why he does what he does…
keen to explore with people if they have fallen out of love with their DH and managed a way back.
main issue is the lack of empathy, the immaturity when life gets hard, the shut downs, the inability to deal with negative comments about himself and what feels like gaslighting.

( example , me: oh careful it’s slippy ,
him: no it’s not…. Me: oh that’s hot, him: no it’s not, it’s cold. ( I get it …’perception’ but when I explain well my experience is that it is that way to me, he still insists ‘ well you’re wrong then because it isn’t!!’ )

its all become very unattractive , it doesn’t feel like an adult relationship.

aside from this I have my faults I’m sure, but I’m fed up of being told I’m ‘ shouting ‘ if I disagree passionately or ‘ I’m criticising ‘ when I have to tell him he’s been inconsiderate. It’s like being in a relationship with a teenager. It’s not attractive.

he’s kind, reliable, sometimes thoughtful in a practical way. I love him, but I’m so incredibly irritated by him.

how do I crawl back from this …. It’s a bit like ‘the ick’, but after two decades.

help and advice needed!! Thank you xx

But it’s not. It’s leaving someone because of the particular manifestation of the behaviour driven by their disability, not the disability per se.

the net result is the same.

But don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

But don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

What a brilliant way of putting it @Chuntypops !

I’ve written so many posts on these threads then deleted them as I’m scared of being outed, family on here.

With DP undiagnosed by choice and DC(adult) diagnosed ND it’s just so lonely, I guess they do care but I need them to show it. I initiate everything and it’s all become too tiring.

For short periods DP can put on the mask when going out so I largely suffer alone.

Hi @BobajobBob sorry to hear your situation. I don't post often for fear of being outed I feel my DP watches what I do (a way of feeling in control of life, I guess) so I don't want to do too much publicly. Mine denies there is a problem.

I know this is easier said than done, but it sounds like you have to find a way to go out without your DP to find some connection somewhere. I don't really enjoy going out with my DP any more as it takes emotional energy coping with not knowing how they're going to react to things/people. If you can get the energy and connection you need from friends, you may have a bit more to give when at home. I'm in a very similar situation and doing my best to turn my local friendships that have been pretty basic into something more meaningful and connected. But, I can't tell most of my friends what's going on because DP doesn't want people to know what I think because it's not true in their eyes. Have you got any friends who know the situation at home?