Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

oh @cansu that sounds a terrible situation.

you don't need his permission to divorce you know. He does not have that power, to take it away. Has he implied he has?

No we are not married. He would however just stay in the house and refuse to engage in the process of selling it. He also can't afford the mortgage so if I stopped paying it would mean debt. I can't afford to pay rent and a mortgage.

When you've been doing all the heavy lifting all the time, it can be very hard to consider change. Simply finding the energy can be hard.

If you can though, life is a lot better and freer on the other side when you're out of such a joyless relationship, lovely.

If that isn't possible, then please, do post here just for support. We understand.

Thank you. I think the finances are the biggest obstacle. I am going to try and save for six months.

I sent him a text on my birthday just saying it was my birthday. It was like it just prompted him to think something was expected. He has since offered to cook for us. I think the coldness and lack of kindness is the worst thing. I honestly get more from colleagues and friends than him. The lack of even a token gift has made me feel harder towards him really. He used to try and do things like gifts. He simply can't be arsed.

He may be trapped by his own nature (as are we all, I suppose) but in the end, everyone is entitled to respect and affection and companionship in a marriage.

I do get that. I understand that he does not see these things as relevant or important but he is highly intelligent. He knows that I value this stuff.

He sounds like a self-centered pig tbh. He made the effort in the past; he knows how to do it. He just can't be bothered.

You don't owe him a thing. You've done your time. Get a solicitor and start claiming your life back.

@cansu, I think it's important to separate what is a real challenge for autistic people and what, if you are honest, is not.

My DH struggles with all emotinal intimacy. He doesn't do small talk etc... These are autistic 'challenges' (for us NT)
Refusing to make an effort and buy a birthday present 'because I can't see the point' is being an arse. He is not only refusing to make an effort for you but is also deciding that somehow HIS view of the world is the right ne and you are ot entitled to have yours. This is especially the case when he is someone 'who knows you value those things'.

You need a chat. A very clear, to the point, without any gloves chat. The type that will make sense to the autistic mind (and would probably make us recoil in horror). Send him a text or an email. Have a chat in the car (All of those work much beter with DH than a sit down and talk). But don't let hi treat you like this.

I have had many open and brutally honest chats. I think in the past he would try and engage whereas now he really either can't or probably won't. I now email him when I have something serious to say as he used to respond better to this and although he wouldn't talk or engage often, he would then make more effort in his behaviour. Sadly he now doesn't really.

Anyway I have told him that I am done with the constant to and fro. One day he refuses to speak to me at all and will literally blank me when I say something or will be nasty. A few days later he will talk to me normally. He always cooks for us both and yesterday I have literally snapped. I also told him today that I no longer wished to eat with him while he was being ignorant and unkind. I also told him that not buying me even a token gift was hurtful and made me cry. Radio silence so far but I really feel I am done with being the grown up whilst he gets to piss about and be an emotionally abusive arse. You are right that being autistic gets him a free pass for some things but it doesn't make it OK to be deliberately cruel or uncaring. I have given this family 30 years of my life. I don't deserve it.

Can I join please? Really struggling right now with undiagnosed DH, together for 20 years. It became obvious after we had children something wasn't quite right. Our lovely DS, 13, recently got an AS diagnosis. He is naturally caring and helpful and has way more social skills and empathy than DH.
I'm really sad, disappointed and exhausted, having been the driving force behind everything, absolutely every decision big or small for the past 20+ years. I'm finding myself retracting from everything and spend most of my time alone. Holidays are unbearably hard work. I have become this angry, exhausted loner. The children think I'm crazy, I think.
I care deeply about DH, he is admirable, hard working, very kind and my best friend. In some ways he is very supportive.
But he has very low self-awareness, and sometimes I am just blindsided by how different he is. I have told some friends things and they are shocked. Actually opening up a bit helps, but I also feel like I'm betraying him.
He is in his mid 50s.
I don't know what else to say right now. Will catch up on the thread, I've already spotted some great links.
Thank you.

This resonates deeply with me. Nothing to offer at the minute other than a hug and these words: you are still in there and you're not going mad. These partnerships literally erode your sense of self. Anything you can do to reconnect with who you are will help enormously. Stay here and get the support you need and know that the commonality of our experiences on this thread should reassure you that you're not crazy.

Hi there, I'm another new joiner. Like my user name, I constantly feel like I'm going crazy as my husband dismisses and invalidates any issue I raise. We've just started with our second marriage counsellor, the first one implied that she thought he had Asperger's twice, he says that didn't happen. The current one suggested Asperger's and narcissistic behaviour as possibilities in our very first session. He has a diagnosis of ADHD but emphatically dismisses any suggestion that he has communication or emotional issues.

He used to be a workaholic high earner and I took care of basically everything else, including two teenage sons with ADHD, one also has ASD, the other has depression. Now he's not working much so I'm feeling very resentful about being the main earner, the default parent, the person who carries the mental load and facilitates communication in our house.

I'm hoping this new marriage counsellor will be able to get him to listen and step up, if not I really don't know what comes next.

Thanks for reading

Hi all, I have been watching, but not commenting ,for a while now. I have finally had enough. We have been married for 23 years ( I'm 63) but I cannot cope any longer.
I have been through many circles, as have many of you, of feeling that I have to make allowances because he does not think like I do, making excuses for him etc but for the sake of my own health ( both mental and physical) I can no longer do this.
He is not an abusive or violent man but the complete lack of emotional connection and inability to show any form of compassion for my mental or physical health problems has pushed me to this. I have been left to come home on my own following a stroke and would have come home to an empty house following a major cancer operation, and two month stay in hospital, if it hadn't been for my daughter, who was 13 at the time, who insisted he stayed and cleaned the house before I came home.
It came to a head two weeks ago when I said (basically screamed) that I felt so, so, lonely and his reaction was to live as a hermit in his room ever since, only speaking about shopping or things that effect him.
Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself, thank you for reading.

Thank you!! It feels so nice to be heard.
Kids are all grown up and independant now, but obviously still a consideration.
I'm not going back now, but still worry about finances etc.
Just feel lost at the moment, i'm hopeful this will change, it's so much harder when there's no real anger there, just sadness that it had to come to this.

Hello all, I've lurked for a while, resonating with so many of personal situations. My DH was finally diagnosed with ASD a few weeks ago, finally, and we have a DS who also has ASD. My other DS and I are NT.

Like many of you, I have a difficult relationship (if you can even call it that) with DH. We have been close to divorce a couple of times and last time I only said I would consider giving our relationship another go if he sought a diagnosis, which he was very reluctant to do. I don't think he has come to terms with his diagnosis and I can't talk to anyone in RL about our difficulties, as he doesn't seem to want to tell anyone about his diagnosis.

Anyway...what I really wanted to ask today is:

1. What you do when they react in a disproportionate way to the issue at hand? DH often blows trivial matters out of proportion or distorts them - total mind fuckery. Arguments get heated and I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
2. My DH seems to think everything I say to him is a criticism - how do you deal with this if it happens to you as well? For example, today, he said he didn't know what time our DS's music lesson finished - he said this was my fault. I reminded him that he'd pointed to DS's name on the notice board in the morning which showed the timings, he then asked me later in the day what time DS would finish (and I told him), and there was also an email about it earlier in the week. He my reminding him of this a criticism of him.
3. My DH will twist and distort what happened and blame me for everything that goes wrong - any advice for how to deal with this? For example, in the car today, he missed a turn on a journey we've done every week during term time for a year, and he blamed me because I pressed a button on the central car display. He accused me of being 'stressy' (not the case whatsoever) today when he couldn't process what was written on a noticeboard.
4. If your partner has meltdowns, how often does this happen? With my DH, it's probably a few times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. They're angry affairs and can last for hours.

I'd be so pleased to hear any thoughts you might have whatsoever and hope not to feel so alone with my struggles...

Hi, serial name changer and intermittent poster, popping back to vent and seek insight on something my undiagnosed (ASC +/- ADD?) DH does.
He has HUGE procrastination and motivation problems. He is unemployed and sits around most of the time.
One thing is driving me crazy, which may be more on me to deal with, is that he’ll sit around on his arse for hours, but when he hears me approaching jump up and into action. For example, I am working from home upstairs and he will be watching DC (watching TV) and making dinner… only he doesn’t start the dinner until he hears me come out of the office, and then he jumps up and starts.
If I have a lie in he does nothing until I get up and then gets off the sofa and starts ‘doing’ eg unloading dishwasher etc
I often feel like the parent in our relationship, and this behaviour just reinforces that. Like he’s lazing around “behind my back” and then pretending to be busy when I approach.
I’ve pointed it out to him but he just looks baffled and denies it. It’s just coincidence- several times a day for several years!
Do I just need to squash down the irritation and rage? Can I do anything else?

Hi @headplusbrickwall , welcome to the thread.

Like you I'm NT married to an ASD (in my case) DW. After a number of very difficult years we are genuinely happy. It took me years to understand things enough to write with the clarity you have, so I'm hoping matters may be at their worst of somewhat improving now for you.

Your questions:

1. Nothing. Or stop the conversation. It sounds awful, but I don't react, just in the same way as I wouldn't react to a child using its temper. I am not saying ASD adults are anything like children, only that not reacting helps matters calm down.

1. I laugh and smile, and say why I'm not critizing - and I try to make sure I'm actually not. Because we're getting on better now I can crack a joke about it. Perhaps too risky for you at present.

1. I stand my ground if directly accused and otherwise don't react. Moments like that pass. It's all about non-escalation (which is behind all my answers).

1. They don't happen nearly as much as they did, probably because we're getting on better. For my answer: see 1.

Other things that help:

• having my own social space and somewhere physical to retreat to, ie, some psychic boundaries.
• maintaining the glue in the relationship by doing acts of service, even if they seem trivial to me, and that does mean taking on things that are just too hard for her, especially admin / social things (and making sure you're appreciated).
• we are very direct with each other in a way that others (especially in England) might consider impolite. I reckon lots of UK cultural norms are unhelpful wrt ASD issues.
• she owns her ASD. That's very important. And she adores me in a way I suspect no NT person would.

I will add that there is always a limit to much anyone can endure and if you are beyond your limit you will both be miserable. But I think you have figured this out already.

I hope that's useful for you, even if just food for thought.

Hi @IrisPetunia

Isn't the issue that your DH doesn't have a job or any other definable role? What you describe doesn't sound like an ASD thing although I think it's completely unacceptable.