Page 27 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

Daftasabroom · 2022-11-20T20:38:39+00:00

New thread, and as previously: This thread is for partners seeking to _understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD_. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

ManyNameChanges · 27/01/2023 08:45

Sorry I have been dumping all my ideas and thoughts there 😝😝

My poor psychotherapist doesn’t know what is going to hit her next time….

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 27/01/2023 09:21

@ManyNameChanges Maybe try a Likert question?

OP posts:

ManyNameChanges · 27/01/2023 09:52

@Daftasabroom what is a Likert question?

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 27/01/2023 10:19

It's the strongly agree to strongly disagree type question.

OP posts:

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/01/2023 15:32

Bloody hard work to run a relationship like that.

Congratulations on your son's uni offers @Daftasabroom !

AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight · 27/01/2023 15:32

How can you make the question 'what are your plan for the weekend?' clearer???

I lurk and have never commented on here and I've name changed specifically to post this , I am posting in good faith, not to piss people off or upset them, and I've actually started to type this at 2am, and then 3am and I've returned again because it takes me a long time to type a post out because I care very much about not being misunderstood and someone reading something in a different tone to what I intended and don't want to offend or upset someone going through a hard time.

So the weekend plan scenario question I've had something very similar cause an issue a couple of days and I still feel shitty that I might have upset someone I care very much about. The reason I was up all night typing a million versions of an answer to that question is because we had a row on Wednesday over a very similar scenario so if you want to know my side of it here goes but it might be long because like I say, I don't want to upset anyone so I will no doubt over explain.

He asked me on Wednesday if I had any plans for the weekend, "weekend" covers anywhere from Friday morning to Sunday evening, and I know from plenty of past discussion "plans" mean something different to him than it does me, (example something like reading a book for an hour would not be a plan to him but it would me, for him lying about in the sofa reading would count as doing nothing, whereas for me, it's doing something) so I didn't know if he meant that type of boring stuff plan or going out for a meal or something like that as well, so I asked him what he meant by weekend, assuming he'd say a specific day or something because I doubted he was asking me about my mundane non plan plans for all three days but I didn't know what else he could mean but he didn't give any clarification and instead he sighed and said "you know what a weekend is" and from the second I heard that sigh, my brain starts trying to work out what cue I must of missed because is talking like it's supposed to be so obvious.

So I started saying "well Friday I'll get up at 7, have some breakfast, walk the dog at 9, do the online shop at 10, do some housework, check emails..." and then he interrupted me and says that's not what he meant, so Im further confused and I said "i have just tried asking what you meant because I wasn't sure and you said I know what a weekend is, so i just started from Friday morning which is the start of the weekend is it not?" And he said I sounded patronising which I wasn't trying to be, but he thought he was being clear but I don't how I could been any clearer myself.

So we had a bit of a heated discussion and after some back and forth dh said i had promised to help his family sort something for his dad over the weekend and he was wanting to know if that was still happening.

So more confusion on my part followed because I remembered the promise to help with something but I did not promise to do it this weekend and I could prove it if need be because it was a convo on WhatsApp with him and his family. I don't like not understanding obvious things and I did not point his mistake out to him at that time because we were both annoyed and it didn't matter and even if I had agreed to do it at the weekend I still would not have understand the context in which he was asking. Instead of asking what my plans welder for the weekend he could made that question more clearer by using it adding any of these at the end and I'd have known the context in which he was asking.

" Are we still good to do that thing for Dad this weekend?"

" my Dad has the day off Saturday, I'd like to get there early so we can get home early does that sound good?"

"Would you rather do that thing on Saturday or Sunday?"

"I hope that thing for Dad doesn't take too long cos I'm knackered"

And we talked about it after after we'd cleared the air a bit and I tried to explain some the different contexts and meanings that I've personally been asked it
The hairdresser, My neighbour, my mother, his family, my friend, and sometimes it's not small talk any they don't give a shit about the answer, sometimes it's nosiness, sometimes it's because I'm about to be asked a favour and if I say "oh I'm gonna have a few hours with a book" they'll say "great you're not busy then, could you look after my child for the day"

My dad, used to ask it every week and it was always a trick question because if there was any hint that I was doing any activity near my Mums house he'd start ranting that I'll probably go and see and her and he knows I've seen her three times in the last month and him only once.

It means different things when asked by different people in my experience and people get quickly pissed off with me if I answer it wrong.

I'm sorry that this long but I didn't want to be vague or unclear myself and I'll go back to lurking with no hard feelings if my input isn't welcome.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/01/2023 15:34

bagelbagelbagel · 26/01/2023 18:28

Depends how much you love them I guess @ManyNameChanges

Good emotional backmail thereby implication.

Also, love really isn't always enough in some situations, as anyone with enough experience knows. Deeply unrealistic comment.

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 27/01/2023 15:59

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/01/2023 15:32

Bloody hard work to run a relationship like that.

Congratulations on your son's uni offers @Daftasabroom !

Hmmm, all he has to do now is some work. As in any, some, even a little bit, we're starting to suspect ADHD.

OP posts:

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/01/2023 17:08

Ouch. Fingers crossed he manages to get down to it.

TomPinch · 27/01/2023 18:22

Welcome to the thread @AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight.

Thank you for your post and for the effort you made in writing it as it was very illuminating for me. I felt quite ashamed once I read it because I know that in the past I've acted just like your DH, ie, "sigh.. you know that a weekend is", and that really wasn't helpful of me and would have hurt DW's feelings.

I think patience towards others and the ability to laugh at oneself is the magic elixir. It's much easier to work though misunderstandings if they are present.

leithreas · 27/01/2023 20:05

AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight · 27/01/2023 15:32

How can you make the question 'what are your plan for the weekend?' clearer???

I lurk and have never commented on here and I've name changed specifically to post this , I am posting in good faith, not to piss people off or upset them, and I've actually started to type this at 2am, and then 3am and I've returned again because it takes me a long time to type a post out because I care very much about not being misunderstood and someone reading something in a different tone to what I intended and don't want to offend or upset someone going through a hard time.

So the weekend plan scenario question I've had something very similar cause an issue a couple of days and I still feel shitty that I might have upset someone I care very much about. The reason I was up all night typing a million versions of an answer to that question is because we had a row on Wednesday over a very similar scenario so if you want to know my side of it here goes but it might be long because like I say, I don't want to upset anyone so I will no doubt over explain.

He asked me on Wednesday if I had any plans for the weekend, "weekend" covers anywhere from Friday morning to Sunday evening, and I know from plenty of past discussion "plans" mean something different to him than it does me, (example something like reading a book for an hour would not be a plan to him but it would me, for him lying about in the sofa reading would count as doing nothing, whereas for me, it's doing something) so I didn't know if he meant that type of boring stuff plan or going out for a meal or something like that as well, so I asked him what he meant by weekend, assuming he'd say a specific day or something because I doubted he was asking me about my mundane non plan plans for all three days but I didn't know what else he could mean but he didn't give any clarification and instead he sighed and said "you know what a weekend is" and from the second I heard that sigh, my brain starts trying to work out what cue I must of missed because is talking like it's supposed to be so obvious.

So I started saying "well Friday I'll get up at 7, have some breakfast, walk the dog at 9, do the online shop at 10, do some housework, check emails..." and then he interrupted me and says that's not what he meant, so Im further confused and I said "i have just tried asking what you meant because I wasn't sure and you said I know what a weekend is, so i just started from Friday morning which is the start of the weekend is it not?" And he said I sounded patronising which I wasn't trying to be, but he thought he was being clear but I don't how I could been any clearer myself.

So we had a bit of a heated discussion and after some back and forth dh said i had promised to help his family sort something for his dad over the weekend and he was wanting to know if that was still happening.

So more confusion on my part followed because I remembered the promise to help with something but I did not promise to do it this weekend and I could prove it if need be because it was a convo on WhatsApp with him and his family. I don't like not understanding obvious things and I did not point his mistake out to him at that time because we were both annoyed and it didn't matter and even if I had agreed to do it at the weekend I still would not have understand the context in which he was asking. Instead of asking what my plans welder for the weekend he could made that question more clearer by using it adding any of these at the end and I'd have known the context in which he was asking.

" Are we still good to do that thing for Dad this weekend?"

" my Dad has the day off Saturday, I'd like to get there early so we can get home early does that sound good?"

"Would you rather do that thing on Saturday or Sunday?"

"I hope that thing for Dad doesn't take too long cos I'm knackered"

And we talked about it after after we'd cleared the air a bit and I tried to explain some the different contexts and meanings that I've personally been asked it
The hairdresser, My neighbour, my mother, his family, my friend, and sometimes it's not small talk any they don't give a shit about the answer, sometimes it's nosiness, sometimes it's because I'm about to be asked a favour and if I say "oh I'm gonna have a few hours with a book" they'll say "great you're not busy then, could you look after my child for the day"

My dad, used to ask it every week and it was always a trick question because if there was any hint that I was doing any activity near my Mums house he'd start ranting that I'll probably go and see and her and he knows I've seen her three times in the last month and him only once.

It means different things when asked by different people in my experience and people get quickly pissed off with me if I answer it wrong.

I'm sorry that this long but I didn't want to be vague or unclear myself and I'll go back to lurking with no hard feelings if my input isn't welcome.

My question here is if you know what 'plans' means to him, you said yourself that reading a book doesn't count as a plan for him why would you start listing out that you were going to make breakfast etc? You knew that that wasn't a plan to him but you started listing them anyway knowing that he didn't want to know that you were going to eat breakfast. I can understand you doing that maybe if you had no idea what he meant by 'plans' but you do, you have said that and you chose to ignore it. I would be annoyed at you too tbh and wondering what kind of point you were trying to make by telling me that you were going to eat breakfast.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/01/2023 21:04

@AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight I missed your post sorry.

Tbh it heped me quite a bit. I realise you pu a lot, a lot of work into it. For me it read abit like a stream of consciousness and that helped because I could see your thought processes.

It seemed like your DH had a scale of importance of actins/events/plans in mind, and so did you but they weren't the same scale. Big confusion then when it came to communicating.

(totally with you on the reading, thats a great plan for a couple of hours. People should respect that imo!)

ManyNameChanges · 28/01/2023 16:23

@AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight thank you for that!

It was very clear and enlightening. I fully agree about the fact that ‘what are your plans’ can mean different things to different people. And it can be hard to answer depending on the level of details you want/is required.
.I’d say that DH knows what I mean by ‘your plan’ aka a rough idea of the organisation, like the one big activity fir each half day, which helps.

Our miscommunication was actually similar than yours.
i needed to know where he was at the weekend (at home/not at home).
he didn’t feel his plans were set in stone. Ds needed to be taken to an activity on Saturday am. He wasnt sure who was taking him. So no hard plans for him.
On my pov, we had talked about it and i had said I was taking him so for me that part was set in stone but not the rest if the weekend!!
cue for him grumbling…. Because he didn’t know… and I insisted for some sort of answer. But he wasn’t able to say ‘i am not sure what is the organisation with ds’

In reality what then happened (once we agreed about ds) is that he said he was away for the whole weekend because he had something on the Sunday am (away) that he had never talked about. He also had organised for himself some other stuff on the Saturday incl staying away overnight. All Wo ever letting me know. I only had some inklings about it.
If I had said anything about him being away for the whole weekend, he would have been really unhappy because all of that WAS set in stone in his head and he would have struggled to change those plans.
And of course, I had no way to ask specifically about those because I didn’t know about them…. Nor was I allowed an input. But I certainly was expected to pick up the slack when he is away (a whole other discussion!)

i am finding it extremely tricky.

I came across a video from a young autistic woman who was explaining what masking meant fir her when she was with friends. How she makes lists in her head of different possible responses, answers etc.. and choses according to what seems to be the most appropriate at that time. She was mentioning checklists in her own head etc…
she was told by the person diagnosing her that this is not normal. That’s called masking. This is exhausting and at the root of anxiety and depression for autistic people (I don’t know if this is the case)
When I think about trying to manage my communication with DH better, this is exactly how it feels too. Needing to run in my head all the different possibilities that I would nit be thinking about. I gaining those possibilities, that I wouldn’t be thinking about. Feeling I’m getting it wrong all the time and that it’s my fault. Like masking to be able to be in his world??

I don’t know how to make this better tbh. I don’t have the ressources to do all that gymnastic. I dint physically have the energy for that. Nor the emotional energy.

AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight · 28/01/2023 22:06

My question here is if you know what 'plans' means to him, you said yourself that reading a book doesn't count as a plan for him why would you start listing out that you were going to make breakfast etc? You knew that that wasn't a plan to him but you started listing them anyway knowing that he didn't want to know that you were going to eat breakfast. I can understand you doing that maybe if you had no idea what he meant by 'plans' but you do, you have said that and you chose to ignore it. I would be annoyed at you too tbh and wondering what kind of point you were trying to make by telling me that you were going to eat breakfast.

I’ve not articulated myself properly, I’m sorry. I said in my post I know from past discussions his version of “plans” is different to mine. He also knows from the same discussions my version of plan is different to his. Neither of choose to ignore the others version, we work with both versions. He thinks “plans” are , days out, going to his hobby groups, nights on the piss and he wasn’t using that version either.

Majority of the time when he asks what my plans are he does actually want a map of what I think the morning/afternoon or day will look like, so we can organise and delegate including when I’m making breakfast, as sometimes he’ll join me for breakfast, depending on what I’ve got planned later he knows what the chances of getting a full English out of me are. I wasn't trying to make a point about breakfast.

In hindsight I should have asked him what he meant by plans instead of what he meant by weekend. But he asked “what are your plans for the weekend?” with the idea in his head that I knew we were meant to help his Dad at the weekend and I couldn't, so I stupidly assumed he meant what he usually does. I couldn't have known he'd committed us to something at the weekend if he doesn't tell me he's done that.

He and his Dad messed up organising the when. Fil asked in the family chat on Monday if anyone was able to help him tidy an allotment he was hoping to take over soon. Five of us said yes and the last message in that chat was sil telling fil to let us know when it's his. Fil and dh, for whatever reasons are she's between the two of them we'd all go and help over the weekend. Dh didn't realise that part of the arrangements happened between only him and fil until he went back through WhatsApp to show me I had agreed this weekend and it wasn't there because it didn't happen.

AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight · 28/01/2023 22:41

TomPinch · 27/01/2023 18:22

Welcome to the thread @AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight.

Thank you for your post and for the effort you made in writing it as it was very illuminating for me. I felt quite ashamed once I read it because I know that in the past I've acted just like your DH, ie, "sigh.. you know that a weekend is", and that really wasn't helpful of me and would have hurt DW's feelings.

I think patience towards others and the ability to laugh at oneself is the magic elixir. It's much easier to work though misunderstandings if they are present.

Patience and laughing at ourselves definitely helps a lot. I know he didn't mean to hurt me when he sighed, he had a hard week at work this week and sometimes people's patience runs out and that's fine.

We can laugh about ourselves and do quite a lot. He said yesterday he doesn't think he's ever been asked what his weekend plans are as part of small talk. We went clothes shopping today and as I was waiting for him to pay for his stuff I heard the woman serving ask him if we have any nice plans for the weekend and I could see he was trying not to laugh when he caught my eye.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 29/01/2023 23:33

The humour and (after the argument has passed) sense of proportion you both seem to have is lovely. Really good glue in a relationship :)

motherofkevinnotperry · 31/01/2023 18:36

I'm thinking of leaving my DH who's on the spectrum. He appears to be a catch. Good job, really caring, great dad. We've been together for 25+years but good god he's very very hard work.

Every time I have to ask him or remind him to do something it's like I've just told him the worst news possible. It's usually over his mess, he's so incredibly messy and unorganised. He gets so upset, then angry and tells me I'm being ridiculous and how he would never make a big deal of it and he'd just get on with it. It's not true and I pointed this out to him by using an example of something our eldest dc does daily that dh can't stand. He started ranting at me, I try to avoid this by not saying anything until it gets to the point I have to. It's so hard, he's getting worse as he gets older. Tonight I'm miserable and looking at houses I could rent on my own. If I leave he will be devastated, he's said he'd not have reason to live. He'd not want anyone else and he'd be on his own forever, never forgive himself etc.

I just don't know how many times I can have conversations with him where he reacts so intensely. I'm so tired of it all now. I want to love him but I have to explain everything because he just doesn't get it. It's like talking to a wall.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 02/02/2023 11:33

Bit late, but I hear you @motherofkevinnotperry It sounds like he does his best but it's not working for you

He started ranting at me, I try to avoid this by not saying anything until it gets to the point I have to If you find yourself pretty well permanently weighing it up nervously every time you want to request something reasonable, it's a very bad way to live

Burbia · 02/02/2023 15:26

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

motherofkevinnotperry · 02/02/2023 15:59

I've not tried writing it down to any extent but maybe this is worth a try. Things are a bit better since Tuesday but we're both so tired and irritable with each other. We're not sleeping for various reasons, we both have work pressure and I am arranging work in the house to be done which hasn't been done for years because he doesn't think anything ever needs decorating, changing, fixing etc, unless it's car related. It's always me who has to drag him along, I ask him to call eg an electrician, joiner etc and it never gets done. It's always me leading. He's just another pressure and life is all work, no fun. I need fun, I'm hitting mid life and feel like I'm changing. I want adrenaline, I want to grab life with both hands because it's running out and frankly I'm really bored. He's happy with his lot and has no get up and go, his sense of adventure has gone while mine is increasing rapidly. I want to feel alive, he wants calm and predictable. I want to travel everywhere and experience things I was always to scared do but now I'm not. He wants to save up and retire.....he's dull when I crave sparks. Add into this the complexities of him being on ASD, and 2 children, 1 also ASD. I really feel like I could just leave with a backpack and never look back.

Is this mid life crisis? I've no idea I just know I'm exhausted and drained.

QuantifiedSpecific · 02/02/2023 17:26

motherofkevinnotperry · 31/01/2023 18:36

I'm thinking of leaving my DH who's on the spectrum. He appears to be a catch. Good job, really caring, great dad. We've been together for 25+years but good god he's very very hard work.

Every time I have to ask him or remind him to do something it's like I've just told him the worst news possible. It's usually over his mess, he's so incredibly messy and unorganised. He gets so upset, then angry and tells me I'm being ridiculous and how he would never make a big deal of it and he'd just get on with it. It's not true and I pointed this out to him by using an example of something our eldest dc does daily that dh can't stand. He started ranting at me, I try to avoid this by not saying anything until it gets to the point I have to. It's so hard, he's getting worse as he gets older. Tonight I'm miserable and looking at houses I could rent on my own. If I leave he will be devastated, he's said he'd not have reason to live. He'd not want anyone else and he'd be on his own forever, never forgive himself etc.

I just don't know how many times I can have conversations with him where he reacts so intensely. I'm so tired of it all now. I want to love him but I have to explain everything because he just doesn't get it. It's like talking to a wall.

He would rather not cope with what he perceives as your demands. And would rather not moderate his behaviour and so rants and tantrums.

You can choose to put up or go.

My ex was like this. Demand avoidant in the extreme. I am still daily hit by waves of relief that I don’t have to bother with this nonsense.

Burbia · 03/02/2023 09:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

motherofkevinnotperry · 05/02/2023 18:02

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

I can't afford to drop any hours but I am starting to factor in days off or work my hours with a bit of time off for me, not just for children and DH. It's lack of fun that gets me down. It's the emotional reciprocity side that's such a huge barrier. I don't have the conversational flow with him when he's occupied by other things which with children and work and ageing parents is all the time. He tries he really does and yet I'm very particular about certain things but I have compromised hugely and he also is trying. We just need to meet in the middle but there's that wall which never goes. The barrier to the connection which the more stressful our lives get the more I need and the less he can offer me. He's a truly lovely person but very hard to live with.

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 06/02/2023 10:20

@motherofkevinnotperry The barrier to the connection which the more stressful our lives get the more I need and the less he can offer me. He's a truly lovely person but very hard to live with.

This x 10.

OP posts:

cansu · 17/02/2023 12:07

I have been living with my partner for 30 years. He now completely ignores me fir the most part. We only occasionally talk about practical things. He has absoluty no interest in me at all. I was very hurt recently again when he didn't even bother to say happy birthday. I am of course the breadwinner and do most of the childcare for our autistic child and all of the life administration for us and my autistic children. If I left he would refuse to sell. If I ever try to talk about it he walks away and refuses to discuss it. I feel completely trapped in a relationship that is not a relationship.