Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

What I have found really hard is his ability to completely ignore (and keep silent) a question he doesn’t want to answer. Not even an acknowledgement of the question

Yep. I think it’s a protection mechanism. Sometimes like a full shut down too.

I think the issue for me is that it’s also a complete breakdown of communication as @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar said. That’s an issue for me when I’m talking about my dh AND I can’t rely on Non verbal clues either. There isn’t a lot if communication going on then, apart from basic, functional day to day stuff

I hope somebody can help, please. I read somewhere, fairly recently, about levels of intimacy in conversation with specific mention of conversations between AS and NT partners. I cannot find the link now and would really like to re-read. It talked about how relationships work best if the levels of intimacy/openness are similar/the same on both sides (no more than one level different). Does anyone know where I might find this? Thanks.

@IndigoFlamingo I’m not sure where you read that but it makes to reason that having similar idea of what intimacy looks like will make it easier (regardless of ASD/NT tbh).

I think this is what a lot of us on this thread struggle with.

@DeepThought42
Thank you very much for these references - much appreciated.😊 If anyone does read this and knows the site I'm talking about, please feel free to add the link here.

It only struck me a few days after reading it that it could be a useful site to show my DP in an attempt to get him to see the gulf in communication between us. I'm finding it very hard to keep opening up in conversation to a deeper, more intimate level, only to find it met with a response a few levels up the scale. If he could see that it's not just me saying there's an issue but that there are others who say the same sort of thing, I think it would help our situation better.

These are good titles and thank you for them @DeepThought42 I'm sure they're of value to people.

I'm just wondering if I've gone too far now for things to be helped. I immediately started thinking great, I'll read a book, but it just feels like one more thing that I have to do to 'save the relationship'. I think I'm just getting too tired to continue now 😐 It's been so many years now and I'm just so tired.

@SquirrelSoShiny i dint think it’s possible to support someone else, find out how to best make things work etc… all on your own when your own reserves are totally deselected.

Maybe it’s time fir you to concentrate on you, and replenish those batteries.

Fwiw, actually stepping back and not trying has been helpful for us, not the least because it removed the focus from DH/the relationship, which I think he found very stressful/anxiety producing.

not sure if this article has been posted before but I found this last year and thought it was excellent from the angle of the NT partner in the relationship. I sent it to my ex and of course all I got was radio silence!

www.thehartcentre.com.au/could-aspergers-explain-your-relationship-difficulties/

I agree it's a great article. I sent it to my DH too. The only comment I got was about how it didn't have that many hints and tips on what he was supposed to do. I had hoped he would read the whole thing not just skip through looking for practical solutions.

@IndigoFlamingo ever the rational logical mind eh and it's good that he was at least looking for solutions I suppose!

This one?

www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2017.1283828

I never thought about looking at research articles, but wow, that’s an eye opener!!

and the answers from the ASD partner .

I mean, they make sense. I could easily see DH thinking that way tbh. But still, seeing it written in black and white …..

That is absolutely astonishing. Astonishing. So fucking accurate. Mind blown.

And bear in mind I have ADHD so it's not as simple as ND and NT. I think - as in the research piece - this is very specific to a specific neurotype.

That ties in completely with my one step forward two steps backwards analogy.

DH sees me as a partner, a convenient hole, a PA. He was a great boyfriend, a terrible fiance and my wedding day said it all that we were moving from romance to a contractual relationship. We need more Hollywood movies about the perfect husband, I've had the film version of the perfect wife thrown at me so much.

It makes me sad but the solution for me is every few years meet someone, bond, get that endorphin rush, build myself up again and carry on within my marriage.

I think occasionally DH has suspected but I also think he's taken a lot of time out of our marriage to spend on his career, his hobbies, his leisure timetable.

We just jog along, never really complaining because that just leads to my reality being denied or dismissed.

The kids are great and that's worth a lot of sacrifice.

I've just gone down the rabbit hole and read a few papers on ASD/NT relationships, from communication difficulties for the ASD to an analysis of attitude of the NT partner in an ASD/NT marriage from an analysis of support group exchanges (just like what we have here).

There is stuff I agree in there, stuff I disagree but two main things come out to me

• what we describe in this thread is VERY common. None of us are crazy, seeing things that don't exist or are just living with a twat.
• the 'solution' that seem to be making things work is what was describe in @FMSucks link and I hate it because, for me at least, it solves noting, just make the situation bearable.

It very much hinges on the idea that the NT partner needs to be more accepting and the ASD one will make an effort to act differently (eg give a goodbye kiss). And the NT parner will get their needs met somewhere else.
There is nothing in there about the fact that a mechanical kiss to say goodbye isnt the same than a loving kiss. There is no intimacy but somehow we are supposed to take that as good enough.
@FMSucks link was suggesting having a pamper day, a coffee morning with friends etc... reminding me of the time old MN advice of 'a spa weekend'. Again not one word about emotional intimacy. Or any of the issues associated with the lack of theory of mind.

On the other side, there seems to be a push towards the idea that the type of relationship we develop with our spouse is linked to our (outdated ofc) view of autism as 'an illness'. Which again 1- misses the issue of intimacy/theory of mind etc... and 2- puts all the responsability onto the NT partner.

I wish there was an approach closer to what @BadNomad described about needs and having no judgement or blame associated with those needs tbh.

@DumbledoreHagridHardy I see you.

It's not a route I would go down for the simple reason that I would not want to be involved with a man (any man) once my current marriage has run its course (whatever way it will do eventually).

But I miss the emotional intimacy and the cuddles, yes. And I can see why this choice fulfils some of your needs.

I'm not sure there really is a solution where everyone is happy tbh. I think the NT person has to forgo their needs in the relationship if it is to succeed. I was just not willing to do that.

In terms of getting your emotional connection from other people, my therapist has told me that because I always kept my lifelong friends with me throughout my life, the effects of being in an NT/ND relationship was not as bad as it could have been had I not had others in my life who I was able to connect with. I can't even imagine how bad I would have been mentally without these people. They literally saved my life and I will be forever thankful.

In terms of getting your emotional connection from other people, my therapist has told me that because I always kept my lifelong friends with me throughout my life, the effects of being in an NT/ND relationship was not as bad as it could have been had I not had others in my life who I was able to connect with.

I had moved abroad to be with him and it wasn't easy. The friendship I developed with a male friend was a lifesaver. It would never have become so close had the relationship with my ex-H ever actually worked, but there were very strict limits.

@BlueTick as I still live with my ex we get on great because there is no expectation for connection and intimacy anymore. I feel like he is living his absolute best life, it's certainly not mine but I'm happy for now and have no interest in meeting anyone else, if ever. I too would love my own space and for him to be near to be with the kids.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I completely get that. It is wrong to rely on others so much for that type of connection when it should be your life partner that provides that for you. I could completely understand how someone would fall into an emotional or physical affair too, not saying that you did but I would absolutely understand how someone could. To me it's all about connection, someone that has your back, someone that is on your team. As I said to my ex many times I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and married, and boy was I lonely.