Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Everything is easier in the relationship when the NT is prepared to devote all their energies to the ND person… My DH was always volatile and prone to violent meltdowns (not directly at me) before we had children. I gave up my first career because I couldn’t cope with a full-on job and managing/complying with his needs, once I went part time, was around more, focussed on him, earning less than him etc, things were easier between us. Then we had children and when the initial joy wore off (for him), it became so very much worse. I gave up work completely for 10 years (despite having 2 masters degrees from Cambridge and other postgrad quals and a great career track) because it was the only way to survive the situation and it was frankly pretty traumatising just getting through each day. That in turn has now left me 100% financially dependent and made it incredibly hard to leave which is what I want to do.

I can't comment on how it has helped not to have kids with DP.

I haven't had kids with him so I don't know.

I can tell you that the biggest regret in my life is that I was too old by the time I met him to have kids and that I would give (almost) anything to have had kids with him.

I don't think we would have split over it - our life has not been plain sailing and we have coped with quite a number of very difficult scenarios that I know would've been massively conflicting with my ex and would've led to rows.

Everything is easier in the relationship when the NT is prepared to devote all their energies to the ND person

My DP definitely does not do this.

He has children and they are a priority.

Many references to these threads where? If this thread was so controversial why have your various objections to it not been upheld by MN?

because MNHQ prioritise people having relationship difficulties over autistic people. They agree with you. They think we are the problem. I have been told that if the threads upset me then I can always hide them.

I think some in MNHQ are sympathetic. I had a nice email exchange with one of them. But others - like the one who told me not to look at them - clearly don’t like us very much.

As far as disliking autistic people, I think that is a paradox in this thread about ND/NT intimate relationships 😂

well I’m glad you find our genuine distress a laughing matter

but I’d also question your self-delight at spotting a “paradox”. Given that

(1) many are saying that they didn’t know their partners are autistic (and wouldn’t have married them if they’d known
(2) many in this thread want to leave their partners (or are staying for financial or logistical reasons eg looking after kids
(3) none of the non-autistic posters here pull up others for making incorrect or ableist statement (eg one stated they didn’t think autistic people should get married - others responded but didn’t mention this appalling statement and
(4) most partners here don’t have a formal diagnosis (and autism is not starghtforward to diagnose) and many behaviours attributes to autism are not actually recognised autistic traits eg lack of affective empathy.

so yes, I think there is a lot of autism-dislike here.

I tried to kill myself and I self harmed in my first marriage. That's how bad it was.

So I do understand and I can appreciate how you felt. But what's the difference between you feeling like that and me feeling like that?

I don't understand why that's relevant. I'm not trying to be awkward but crappy marriages destroy peoples mental health and it's not uncommon for that to lead to thoughts or attempts of suicide. Which is what a counsellor told me when I went following my overdose.

I just don't see how the blame can be pinned on the autistic person or on autism as strongly as some of you seem to think it can.

I am sorry you felt that way though and I hope you feel better now

firstly, it is completely inappropriate and lazy to try to shut down autistic people by saying they are demonstrating black and white thinking. I do understand nuance - but thanks for the patronising comment anyway.

secondly, I don’t know how many times I have to say that of course anyone can seek help for a troubled marriage. I have also clearly stated that many of these partners sound abusive and they should leave. There are a huge number of threads on MN seeking support and they get support. But to have a thread exclusively dedicated to putting all blame on the autistic partner - and that is largely the case on this thread- is deeply unfair. Why can’t it just be a thread for troubled relationships?

I am very sorry to hear you have been suicidal. I can empathise entirely as I have also been there on two occasions (plans, method, location all decided). On both occasions due to NT bullying behaviour towards me. People can be shit.

I just don't see how the blame can be pinned on the autistic person or on autism as strongly as some of you seem to think it can.

You don't have to be able to see that though? If you don't understand a thread that's cool, I'm sure there are tons of threads here that you will be able to understand. You aren't the target market as such so I can see why you don't understand, it's not very fair though to derail a thread just because you feel like posters owe you some understanding, they don't owe you anything.

And I’ll admit I don’t like autism

thank you for your honesty.

Autism and the person with autism are two different things.
Why is that as soon as one talk about autism and difficulties linked with autism, automatically people assume it means that the autistic person is difficult???

Ive never seen that happening for other disabilities.
Im well aware that having ME is making life harder to DH because he has basically become my carer. And why would I get upset at that idea? I’m not my ME/illness/disability.
However, by acknowledging the impact it has in him, I’m also acknowledging the effort he is putting in. Like it should be. I’m not saying that if he finds it hard, it’s a YOU issue and therefore his own fault. And it doesn’t mean that it has suddenly become my fault either.
It’s a statement of fact. Some circumstances can make things harder to deal with life. Disability is one of them. It’s not judgement in the person fgs. Because THAT would be ableist.

So why the insistence that saying anything ‘bad’ about ASD means saying people with autism are bad/hard work etc… I don’t get it.

<should really hide this thread before I get sucked back in>

The irony of this thread is many of us are support and advocates for our autistic children, however the autistic community wants to take away our support in this thread.

This is it, exactly. I wish wish wish I could help oldest more.

Perhaps I have to explain a lot more. But saying the words "I'd like you to stroke my head" just make me feel ick. I feel like it's not what he wants to do naturally and he'll feel an idiot doing it and I'll feel like a spoiled toddler for 'demanding' it.

About this - one thing I learned, and it's helping now in so much more emotionally-responsive relationship, -is- to speak more plainly. As with almost everything it's a balance of course. But it's ok to ask for a stroke or massage. Certainly my new partner really appreciates the direct statement of my wishes. Obviously it's also absolutely fine if he says No! :)

I hear how much the lack of cherishing hurts :(

Another long post, sorry. I'll split it into a few posts so it's less in-your-face. I want to try to give possible explanations from a ND perspective for a few things people have described. Hopefully it is helpful.

It is interesting to see NT people talking about having to process their interactions with their partners, having to interpret them differently, and react differently. That is what we ND people have to do constantly, with everyone.

It is like being a foreigner in this world. Every interaction has to be translated. It enters your brain, your brain thinks "Ok what does that mean?" It searches through its database, which has been built from a lifetime of experiences, to hopefully find the correct interpretation. Then you think of your response. But if you can't deliver your response in your native language (monotone, motionless, deadpan, direct), you have to translate it back first. Pick the correct words, choose the correct facial expression to display, choose the right body language. Then you present your response. All against a background of noise, anxiety and with the weight of expectation and responsibility on you.

To the posters here, it sounds like your partners skip the last part of the process. They don't translate their responses into NT language for you. But I can understand that because it is so mentally exhausting having to do that with everyone else, every time, every day, that we kind of don't want to have to do that at home with our family too. From your ND partner's perspective, you are their person. You are their mate. Their rock. They chose you. After all, they wouldn't be with you if they didn't love you. They want you to accept all this without them having to prove it in NT ways because that is difficult and unnatural for them to do. It actually feels less authentic to act in a certain way to "prove" feelings.