Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

That's the point I'm making though. It's work and effort from both to make a relationship work - and that applies to any relationship not just NT/ND ones

Fwiw I think what made it work better fir us, at least at the beginning, is the fact I’m not British.

So, just like @bestchristmasever, there was no expectation from either side that things would be a certain way. I think it’s harder when you are several years down the line, discover your partner is autistic.
I think it’s because as a couple you’ve developed some coping mechanisms already, Wo knowing the WHY you are getting the issues you have, and those coping mechanisms can be hard to shift.

It's been said so many times here @bestchristmasever and it doesn't seem to be going in.

My own experience only blablabla.

Having experienced both NT/NT and ASD/NT relationship, I’d awfully agree that both need work. There is no doubt about that.

The issues I’ve had in NT/NT are different from ASD/NT though.
With ASD, I’ve had to learn a whole new world.( I mean as far as I knew, I had never met someone with autism before I met him). A new world in relating to DH, understanding his needs and his issues. I’ve had to learn to go against some of my ‘normal’ reactions. Etc….
I’ve never had to do that in an NT/NT.
So that’s one big difference for me.

Other issues I’ve had with DH are actually the same than in an NT/NT. Communication being one if them. You could add dealing with your own trauma response etc….

So I’m not saying that NT/NT marriages are easy and don’t require work whereas ASD/NT do.
But I will say that the work needed is different. And FOR ME, much harder work, maybe this was never coming naturally to me.

But that's a you thing not an autism thing.

Sorry ill have to step back now.

I feel like I’m talking, saying something clearly and I am not.
Maybe it’s my brain fog from ME that means I can’t express myself well who knows 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.

But it’s getting to me. And I’ll end up saying something hurtful.

So I’ll leave you the conversation.

I'm sorry I've upset you.

I just don't see it the way you do. I'm not trying to be hurtful or difficult I swear

@bestchristmasever you are explaining things perfectly. Thank you.

If the issue was ND people are difficult to be in relationships with if you're an NT person (generic in general) then no ND person could be in a successful marriage or relationship with an NT person.

But it isn't like that. Some NT and ND people are in great relationships - myself included.

Logically that means that it's an issue with the two people in the relationship (both the NT AND the ND person) that they aren't compatible.

It's not the autism. It's the incompatibility.

I don't know how else to explain it.

Perhaps I have to explain a lot more. But saying the words "I'd like you to stroke my head" just make me feel ick. I feel like it's not what he wants to do naturally and he'll feel an idiot doing it and I'll feel like a spoiled toddler for 'demanding' it.

This is where exhaustive talks when our relationship was at crisis point kicked in. He likes showing affection and receiving affection, he just never thinks to do it. This is where trusting that your partner is telling you the truth comes in. So although his body language may be off or he isn't showing me the way a NT person might that he likes to give or receive affection that doesn't mean that he doesn't. We tend to look for cues from people and when they aren't there we act accordingly but when there are no clues to give the only thing that is left really is to use your words. He was aghast that I thought he didn't find me attractive and felt unloved, quite upset really but when we broke it all down he could understand why I reached that conclusion. So we do make a big effort to use our words because he can't read me, I can't read him. It won't be for everyone and it isn't something that happened overnight for us and once some kind of 'affection habit' was formed it is something we have to work on less than we once did. But yeah, none of it is easy.

When I said that's a you thing I meant plural you - it's a both of you don't work together and are incompatible thing

I think you make a very good point here. It's the same with us. DW and I are from different cultures and it meant we built a lot of how we communicated from the ground up, much more than other couples.

Like other (comparatively speaking) successful ASD / NT couples we are very direct with one another.

(Are you from the Pacific if you don't mind me asking?)

Like other (comparatively speaking) successful ASD / NT couples we are very direct with one another.

This is me and DP. We are both direct with each other. There are no back doors.

But he is not ND.

Thanks - I think your posts represent the best of this thread and show why it's necessary.

@DeepThought42 to be fair to Jason, I have had to step back a couple of times and delete reactive angry responses I'd written and reword them - it is a difficult thread for me to be on and it is a challenge to stay neutral in tone

I could have written this myself, but a few years ago I came to the realisation that “the person he was” was actually his mask and therefore somewhat of an illusion. The person I have lived with for 17 out of the 20 years we have been together is the person he is. I couldn’t understand for many years why he was so charming, considerate and jovial with strangers and work colleagues and so outright rude and aggressive to me and the children and himself. I desperately wanted to have my early-relationship wonderful husband “back” and tried everything I could possibly think of to help him until my energy for it all just completely ran out. It was only once I understood the concept of masking that the penny finally dropped.

@BlueTick if it's any consolation I felt like a shell of a person after my marriage broke up in felt worthless and ugly and useless and broken.

I agree with @jamoncrumpets and @bestchristmasever I have seen many references to these threads and how bad they make autistic people feel. And also how bad they make parents of autistic children feel as they see the prejudice and ignorance their children will face.

He's not my DH he's my partner wouldn't do to give him an upgrade in case he gets complacent lol

He came after.

But there are reasons I'm not going to share here why I knew my ex and I were incompatible before we got married and why I went ahead with it anyway.

The incompatibility - for us - existed before our children were born.