Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

You really really don’t understand at all. You just seen autism in a vacuum and attack attack attack.

@BlueTick ... no, that poster doesn't understand. Honestly ... don't engage. You won't get anywhere.

Hope you saw that @BlueTick before the diagnosed autistic people who seem so desperately anti-autism got in.

Thanks for the new username 😀

This statement is utterly devoid of logic. Dear god.

It's excellent advice :D

That's nasty.

I have a lovely new username too!

<twirls>

New year, new name! Onwards and upwards!

and preferably off this thread that you are so determined to ruin.

but well

some things are too much to hope for.

So much anger 😢😢😢

What a nasty thread.

@Neverwrestlewithapiginthemud and @LogicDeficientBulliesAreCruel
two names clearly created to insult and demean people.
childish
and says a lot about the posters than anyone else on the thread.

Im personally not interested in either knowing who they were before or engage in any way with people like this.

The nastiness on this thread is extremely one sided and does not come from the people who have spent years and often decades loving our autistic partners.

But tbh those posters illustrate what many of us are up against on a daily basis in a way we could never express so I just skip past them and think yep, let it all hang out. Sunlight.

I'll continue to be here for support and to support others and thank you to all of you who have been so kind at times when I really needed it You have really helped me see and express something that was so hard to put my finger on and I'll be exploring it in therapy.

No, in fairness im not being particularly nice now. Ill stop.

But for the record, bullies in my eyes are the ones who come onto a support place that isn't meant for them, try to silence everyone and who monger a whole load of hate of their own, and take no responsibility.

Well at least they’ve shown their true colours!

@DeepThought42 It's very interesting that you mention difficult to identify or express any emotion except the negatives, so irritation, anger outbursts and criticism are a feature of any emotionally charged discussion this is definitely the case with DW but not DS. I often wonder how much is nature and how much is nurture. I guess as we get older and accumulate experiences nurture overtakes nature but the two are also inextricably linked. I think it's also natural that habits become more entrenched as we get older. Anecdotally I'd suggest that in DWs case at least, her negativity is a habit born out of anxiety and low self esteem, both of which probably have autism as a causative element. I see it as a defence mechanism. Sadly that's not a conversation I could ever have with her.

I agree @Daftasabroom .

DH was bullied as a teen. He learnt to keep his anger in check and not never ever express it - at least not in a vocal shouting way. He does that in a very PA aggressive way which I personally find much harder to deal with tbh.
He also has learnt to just say YES to keep the peace even when he is screaming NO in his head. Again this has created MANY problems because when it comes to the push, it’s not happening or he is grumpy/silently angry.

On the other side, dc had the opportunity to go to our local private school where he has been protected and nurtured. He found a group of people he can relate to (that he would never have found at his old state school). He has flourished and has a quiet self confidence I wish I had.

Autism is clearly linked to anxiety and depression (and suicide). But negative experiences/trauma from tricky situations linked to miscommunication, misinterpretations etc… certainly make it worse.

And then start the cycle of self doubt, anger etc…

@VahineNuiWentHome massive parallels, especially PA, I rephrased it as passive control.

DS definitely found his tribe at T&G school.

I’ve always thought that the ‘unhelpful’ coping mechanisms DH developed are much more of an issue than his type of autism.