Online dating: what do men look for in a woman?

[NorthAngel]

Hi,

Not enjoying OLD at all. I’m finding it a tough experience after coming out of a 23 year marriage. I was very inexperienced on the dating field when I was younger (more interested in getting my career on track and shyness) so haven’t got much clue about OLD.

What do men look for in a woman? Older women (I’m 50 but a young 50).

Just wondered!

I’d meet all of those, I think, but not a fan of the sports. That’s something I’d let him enjoy in his own time 🕰️.

Fit, feminine and friendly, that's what I have heard

I get your point but think that sometimes we can’t make things ‘easy’ especially at the age I’m at (50). Obviously, I’m going to have a history behind me. In a nice way!

I am financially secure (senior manager in the NHS), debt free, no parents around (RIP), I have a sweet and passionate personality, I don’t drink/smoke/take drugs, I have no health issues, I am attractive for my age (I hope) and come with advanced tits and wits 😉. However, I am a mother and always will be. I have loads of free time now as one is with his dad and the other (being a teen girl) is off planning her life and route to becoming a millionaire. I am very conscious that both of my children will be flying the nest in the next 3-4 years. My eldest, currently on a gap year, soon (RAF - he’s applied to be an officer - or university) with my youngest soon to follow. I am already feeling the ‘empty nest syndrome’ starting. Being a mother shouldn’t be seen as a negative. Does this mean no man will ever consider me even when my children are left home either? I wouldn’t hold that against a man if he had kids.

I’m not a vegan btw. Just saying.

Thank you 🙏

Mumsnet is like going for a coffee.
Dadsnet like going for a ( formal ) pint.

Look for the negatives in a woman? Go for the easy woman?

Well I have two disabled children that I have to provide lifetime care for. Not wealthy, being a single parent to children with needs.
Educated, intelligent, fit, gorgeous, yes all of those.
But my requirements in a man are fairly high, and most fall short.

@JackandVera But I too thought it was an honest reply from @C1N1C - if I were looking at OLD, I would steer clear of people with those issues - I want to be with someone who will enhance my already quite nice life, someone to have fun with. If issues come up later when you have forged a relationship, fair enough because that's life and you'd work through it together but I wouldn't go looking for complications. Children who are settled wouldn't be an issue but I wouldn't see someone twice if the first date involved them telling me how much of a headache and worry their children were, for example.

I don't do relationships, and I make it clear. Most men however, want the sex, but always want more. More time, more commitment, etc.
I have no emotional energy to give. But a lot of men my age (50s) want a woman to be a "wife" to them. Hence I am single, and quite happy to remain so

@bouquetofnofucks my comment about children was not in response to your post, we cross-posted.

Men come with plenty of baggage, but they've probably sidestepped the responsibility to ageing parents and children, and palmed those problems off on ex wives and female siblings.
I wouldn't want that kind of man

My ex is that kind of man by the way. And he is a total prat

I know someone who is 40’s, single, own house and good job. She’s had no problem on OLD and has had a few long term relationships. The men she has met though all seem to have loads of baggage. They are all ok looking and have decent jobs, but have at least 1 ex, DC who need loads of attention and even exW’s causing issues. The man seems to be getting a way better deal than her, who has to put up with all their baggage, whilst he has an easy ride.

So, I can see what that man upthread is saying, but I’d just add that it’s quite hypocritical that they come with more baggage than Heathrow, but want their women “uncomplicated”.

I think you're lying to yourself if you think you'd be different with a man. MN is full of "he does this, he isn't this, he changed into this... red flag... dump him" attitudes. At our age(s) we've seen enough to recognise the signs and we've done enough to know how hard trying to endure those issues actually is. If you want to overlook a man in his 50s still living with his mum, or massive gambling debts for example, be my guest, but you're telling me if you found two men on OLD and one had 50k of gambling debts and there was a similar man with an 'easier' challenge to overcome, you wouldn't err for the easier?...

And the OP sounds lovely :). But a friendly word of warning as a man (which appears to have negative connotations on MN), and from listening to many female friends... don't rush into dating, and please please please spend a little bit of 'you' time, finding yourself, gathering your pride and confidence etc. Men at all ages are great at sniffing out the newly divorced, widowed, hurting women and taking advantage of them. My mum was actually almost scammed out of thousands after we lost dad because of (no other way of sugar-coating it) desperation and loneliness.

Side note relating to the above...always cut and paste the odd sentence in their messages onto Google... scammers live to repeat tried and tested phrases, and you'll be surprised how many scammers there actually are! Likewise with their profile... do the same for profile descriptions and reverse image searches on their profile pics!

Personally I want a woman who only wants to meet up one or twice a week, is happy going out for meals etc without wanting anything deeper than that. I’ve found it very hard to find.

The women I know who have been sucessful have been physically attractive (like it or not, it's always the most important characteristic you can have if you want to attract someone); display fairly neutral personality traits and interests (yours sound ideal) at least initially, and are relaxed happy and positive.
These traits are attractive to most men and off putting to few, so interest is high, they have a wide pool to select from, and consequently more chance of finding someone they like.

Depends on the man!

Most just look at the photos! Try to smile and look like you are happy and interesting!

Don't say too much in the profile but give them something interesting about you which makes it easy to start a conversation with you.

Be yourself but the best version of you.

I’m 53 and dating a 51 year old woman and you both sound really similar ( she is maybe not so senior in work career), and you sound really great, being a mother is not a negative, most men know this is part and parcel of meeting someone really .

The only thing that I would think about would be the empty nest syndrome, are you trying to meet a man because you want to meet a male partner or are you simply looking to replace the emotional closeness of your children with another person ( who happens to be a man )

and I’m not vegan either 🤷🏼

I think I understand where you are coming from but just because someone is ‘east’ doesn’t mean that is the right person. The ‘easy’ one might be ‘easy’ for a reason and have a whole host of issues not associated with being child-free etc.

I do agree with your words about not rushing into things, and thank you for the words of warning. I have had my fingers burnt (well, probably my heart melted a bit) already recently which have exposed my vulnerability and my naive nature.

I just wish I knew the difference between a nice man (genuine) and someone who is taking me for a ride. I’m struggling with that and, because I am getting hurt in this process, I’m shutting down a bit and the gates will lock around me and let no-one in.

No, not trying to meet a man because of the kids fleeing the nest. I was, basically, in a long marriage (23 years) with someone I wasn’t truly in love with and wasn’t attracted to the way I should’ve been.

I was a very sweet and innocent girl (proper sweet and innocent) and was taken for a ride by a guy at the young age of 19 - used, basically .I was besotted with him (he was quite a bit older) and he was fit (military), extremely attractive and could charm the clouds out of the sky. Of course, I hadn’t really had a boyfriend before - too busy getting ahead in my studies - and had fallen head of heels for this guy. You can guess the rest. Turned out he had a heavily pregnant girlfriend back in his home village - I was told by his older (married) brother. I confronted him, distraught, and it all came out. I was absolutely devastated. So devastated that I had to defer going back to uni for a year. I didn’t trust guys after this for ages. Met my husband on my year out (on the bus) who was sweet and we got on ok. But, I never felt overly attracted to him
or excited by him. However, we married. He was secure and I knew he wasn’t like the other one. Mistake. I was with someone I wasn’t attracted to and sex was crap. He was crap at it tbh and lacked passion, connection etc. I lived with it but the marriage became sexless many, many years ago. We lived as housemates.

45 years old and I entered menopause which opened up a massive can of worms for me. Long story but I ended up chatting (online) and developed a strong relationship with someone else. We met. Numerous times. Guilt on his side. Regret on mine as I suddenly realised my marriage was non-existent and I’d been deprived a passionate/real relationship. I ended my marriage. Same man still appears in my life but knows it is wrong and feels what happened etc. He tells me repeatedly how attractive I am and that I’ll meet someone but here we are!

I joined dating sites in March to find someone. Someone available who I would fall deeply in love with (and vice versa) etc. I met a few for cafe dates but they either wanted sex (obviously), which I wouldn’t at that point, or we just didn’t click. I did meet one - although we’d been chatting for 4 months on WhatsApp and it was turning into a pen pal relationship - who had potential. Same region (although he felt we were too far apart - 35 miles - but I would’ve moved eventually). He had never married and had no children. 5 months older than me. He was the most polite man. We did meet and had a great day and I gave him
a nice kiss later (he blushed but loved it) and we met up a few times in London. Spent a lot of time together and I thought it was going great! However, he was slow to reply to messages on our return and I just asked him if there was a future and he replied that he thought we weren’t aligned properly and he had doubts in London!!! He was lovely to me in London and I was nice to him so it came as a complete shock. He said I was lovely and I had a lot going for me but obviously not for him. I haven’t heard from him since.

Bottom line is, I am an attractive/successful woman who has lived in a loveless/sexless marriage with no affection (physical affection) and I feel
like I have missed out greatly - especially being a very passionate and sensual woman. I’m not desperate but can’t understand why I am being overlooked a lot. I’m one of the nicest people out there. I just wondered what men look for.

I have to admit, I am a bit fussy. Especially now! I want to feel excited and blissfully happy! That’s not too much to ask for is it?

My husband was 10 years older btw.

I agree with this.

Also good advice from a pp about reverse checking photos and keywords. But do people really need to do this?

Anecdotal, and may just be down to luck, but the people I know (only two or three over years) who were above average in looks met someone decent, and long term, fairly quickly.

It sounds to me OP that you might want to venture out of your comfort zone a little, because the men you're meeting do not really sound like the type to equal your passion and zest for life. To put it bluntly, you seem to have had a run of right limp lettuces! ('Not aligned'?!)
I think sometimes when you're older, well educated and put more gentle, cerebral and cultural interests on your profile, you can attract more than your share of gentle, cerebral lack lustre types. If I were you I'd start considering men from completely different backgrounds and age ranges, and see how that goes.

I personally find dating younger men more successful. Men my age just want a wife replacement.