Moody husband update

[Olinguita]

I posted back in July about my struggles with my husband's ongoing mood swings. I wanted to give an update and ask the wise women of the Relationships board what you think of the recent improvement... And whether it is enough...
Background: since FIL passed away last year and DH has been cycling in and out of viciously bad moods that are incredibly destabilising and upsetting for me. We have a one year old child. I am VERY sympathetic to the bereavement but parenting a child in this environment has been challenging for me. He has had a short course of counseling but didn't really engage with it and wouldn't do any of the "homework". He refuses to see a GP. Widowed MIL is struggling to manage alone and they speak on the phone up to five times a day.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4593227-the-never-ending-moods?reply=118655008
The update: just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on the original post. You all helped me to gain some much needed outside perspective on a massively confusing situation.
I've gone back to work after my mat leave on a part-time basis but I have secured a promotion since my return that puts me on a much better salary. I know some people on the original thread expressed their concerns about me becoming financially dependent on this man, and I totally agree. I did some very aggressive networking when I finished mat leave and made sure that decision-makers at work knew that I was back in the game.
DH is somewhat improved and is more helpful with the baby now, and seems to get more enjoyment from parenting. My return to work has actually been pretty smooth so far and it is partly thanks to him stepping up at home
His moods are nowhere near as bad as they were a few months ago. However.... A couple of times a week he gets into horrible moods and either totally shuts down or is snappy and irritable. He sits on the sofa scowling, huffing and puffing and going on his phone. He gets angry if I ask what is wrong and says I am "provoking" him by asking questions. So I pull back, feeling a bit stung, and give him space, maybe offer a cup of tea and say I'm here to talk if he wants. I also ensure that he gets a decent amount of rest and free time on weekends. I appreciate that grief and depression are draining.
Even so....I find this a really unhealthy dynamic and I'm frankly getting a bit sick of it. Sometimes worse arguments do blow up over the most ridiculous things. he criticized my cooking while I was halfway through making a stew the other day, I defended myself and said he was being a pain, and he went nuts, yelling loud enough to wake the baby, punching the wall and swearing at me ("I don't want to eat your fucking food anyway") he then got all tearful and apologized.
I feel on edge around him a lot of the time, even when he is being nice. I also don't feel attracted to him at all and I can't let myself relax enough to be intimate 😬
He won't go for marriage counselling but I am going on my own.
I guess we are plodding along ok and to the outside it looks like things are getting better. But I don't know if it's enough. Are most couples tiptoeing around each other like this?

This is really toxic. He either needs to get some counselling or I would leave. You sound like you’ve been more than accommodating about this grief. Personally I would choose the leave option. You shouldn’t be having to tiptoe around him and his moods and punching a wall is really scary. There might be an escalation at some point towards you.

I would make plans to leave.What is your housing situation? This is no way to live also you say you no longer wish to have sex.Here is your answer.Good luck with making plans to go and look to the future.Well done on your finding a job this will be the making of you.

Using bereavement as an excuse is a crock of shit.
I've lost my parents and my siblings in the last couple of years, dp has also lost his parents and we wouldn't dream of speaking to or behaving the way your dh does. He's abusive to you.

Punching the wall?

OP this isn't good. This is dangerous.

You shouldn't ever have to tip toe around someone in your own home.

Please leave. This is very very abusive

You are not plodding along OK. He is being abusive. I say this as someone with long-term depression, it doesn't make you violent.

I am so sorry OP, I agree with Sheldoncoopersspot, using bereavement is just an excuse!
I and my DH lost 3 out of 4 parents in one year. Sure our grief caused episodes of anger, but never at each over.

Are most couples tiptoeing around each other like this?

Nope. Although we've been through 4 bereavements and other stressful times over the years, we don't get moody and angry at each other, or punch walls. I'd be sick of living like this too.

Bereaved or not, your so called "D"H is being abusive. Don't put up with it. It's not acceptable and certainly not "enough." You are worth far more than him and you deserve better.

'

No, it's not enough. If he's got to the point where he's punching walls, it's definitely not enough. Twice a week is twice too often. Please do your child a favour and get them out of this situation as soon as you can.

OP, please, if this physical violence happens again, get your baby and get out or call the police. Right now there a very few consequences for his choices from you so unconsciously, he isn't realising that this is pushing you away and the love you feel for him will die.

I know this is your life, but this is not how anyone should have to live. You do not have to tolerate this behaviour. If he won't access grief counselling or at least start separating his grief from how he treats you, then it isn't going to get better.

No no no no no. Most couples are not tiptoeing around each other. No healthy relationship involves tiptoeing around each other.

He may have 'improved' but he is still being abusive. Hitting things, swearing at you, yelling, criticising.... this is no way to live.

No wonder you don't fancy him anymore... why would you fancy someone who treats you like that??? And don't feel bad about not havign sex with him. Why would you want to??

I would have more understanding for him if he was seeking help, but you say he refuses to get help, which means either a) he doesn't think he has a problem or b) he knows he has a problem but doesn't want to put the effort in to sorting it out - he's happier making your life miserable.

Either way, he isn't going to get better, and will very likely get worse.

You deserve better.

He won't go for marriage counselling but I am going on my own.

That's a relief - never go for couples counselling with an abuser, which is what he is.

He blames you for his behaviour - all abusers do that.
You are constantly walking on eggshells.
His tears are just manipulation to get you to let him away with the behaviour.

I'm glad you are in a better place workwise and financially, hopefully that will help to boost your self esteem so you can rise above this 'man' and remove him from you and your child's life.

Don't offer him tea when he's being a cunt, please

Don't offer him tea when he's being a cunt, please

No, offer the abusive twat a kick up the backside instead.

Was there any diagnosis when he went to therapy, or was it basically treated as grief counselling with the assumption that his father's death was the main cause? Everyone grieves differently, but this sounds like there may be more going on.

If he's crying and apologising, he knows his behaviour is negatively impacting you. If he has a job and interacts with people outside the family, he is able to control his behaviour (he's not yelling at his boss and punching the wall at work). If he can't control his emotions and actions at home there is professional help available, but he has be proactive, seek it out, and follow through. He is an adult; it's not unreasonable to expect him to take responsibility for himself (and his child) even when things are hard. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to put up with his bad behaviour and to pick up the parenting slack indefinitely without having any idea what the cause of his issue is and how or if or when it can ever be resolved.

I think I'd start with having a very serious, honest conversation with him and ask him where he sees all of this going. Does he expect he'll wake up one day happy and "cured"? Does he expect things to go on as they are forever? Make it clear that whatever he's feeling, the behaviour has to change (and no, it's not enough for him to SAY he'll change, he has to actually take steps) and if he won't be actively involved in the process then you will have to make changes yourself which may include separating. (I wouldn't start with the separating part, but I wouldn't avoid it if it comes up.) Asking him to leave for a bit may be a good idea if you can't make any progress talking.

Does he need go see a psychiatrist? Perhaps there is something seriously wrong with him.

Am glad to read you are now back in the workplace.

am not at all surprised he did not at all
engage with the counselling, that was always going to happen. Abusers never engage with such.

He was abusive before and he remains abusive now. The only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none. He acting out a couple of times(the moodiness is an example of emotional abuse) a week is two times too many. Again he does not act like this around work colleagues.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. This is not the environment your child should be growing up in.

Go to the marriage counselling on your own. Never do joint counselling with an abuser.

You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment .

I’ve been in your position. I let it go on for far, far too long because we would have several days at a time when things were lovely and I thought that a bad mood and vile, aggressive behaviour once a week, or a fortnight, was acceptable. It’s not. It was emotional abuse.

He shouts and swears at you. One day he’ll shout and swear at your child. I can’t forgive myself for letting it get to that point with my children; they should never have been made to feel so scared and upset. It’s only now that I have a lovely partner do I see how bad my ex really was.

Please leave. Life is too short and children too precious.

He is punching walls, yelling, putting you down,. Sulking and worst of all he is introducing your child into a life of domestic violence.

You have done well. Now make the final push and get this abuser out your life.

..and no its no normal to walk on egg shells because you don't want to provoke someone. That's abuse.

He is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship

Punching the wall and shouting and swearing, and living in fear, no this is not solved.

I wouldn't hang around to see how this escalates, don't under any circumstances attend joint counselling, this isn't something you can fix.

Do you have any friends and family to back you up, anyone you can stay with?

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone. I'm so sorry to hear about those who have lost parents and siblings.
The counselling DH had was very much grief counseling. But I think there is potentially a lot more going on....
I feel incredibly guilty about the sex thing. It must feel awful to be rejected by your spouse. He sleeps on the sofa downstairs now and I have the bed upstairs. The baby is an appalling sleeper and sometimes comes into bed with me post-5am but that's sort of an excuse for DH not being in bed with me. I have tried to talk to him about it and ask him to come back but he seems happier on the sofa. I feel so guilty and sad every time I see the duvet and pillows and pile of his clothes in the living room.
The punching the wall thing was only the once, the problem is more the general moodiness and shutting down my attempts to communicate with him.
This is a massive drip feed I know, but there is another problem....MIL.
She hasn't coped well after FIL's death. She is late 60s and physically capable. DH is Asian and his mum lives in his country of origin (but she is also a British citizen and has right of abode). I suspect she is putting a lot of pressure on him to take her in to live with us permanently. At the moment she lives alone but has a paid helper that comes in each day and has a handful of friends and relatives nearby.
I told DH before marriage that I didn't want to live with MIL, at least not while she is still capable of living independently. The reason being that she has some pretty serious control issues and makes me feel like a third wheel in my own home. It has also come to light since I got married that she has an alcohol problem. She is not a bad person BUT she is not emotionally stable and right now I don't think it's a good idea for us to live together. Her (lengthy) visits in the past have caused many problems with DH and I, and have made me unwell with stress.
I think the guilt trips and sense of paralysis at the situation are quite literally making DH ill. He doesn't get on brilliantly with her and other family members (his side) have remarked that their relationship is unhealthy and probably quite unpleasant for me.
I've tried to engage him in a conversation about solutions that could work for everyone, such as renting and eventually buying her a studio flat nearby. But I don't really feel like he wants to engage.

Regarding living situation - we live in a flat that I bought before marriage, it's all in my name and I could afford it alone now that I'm on a better salary.
I have family nearby who are very, very supportive. Unfortunately they are pretty socially conservative and want me to do what I can to fix things so I'm under a bit of pressure to put on a brave face.
But i don't want my child to grow up in this atmosphere of constant stress and tension. But I'm also terrified for the mental health of DH.
I'm also grieving the guy I thought I married. He was wonderful. I don't recognize the man I live with.

I’ve been with a man with mental health issues. When he would stop taking antidepressants he would be moody just like this - punching walls ,shouting, throwing things at me, blaming me for every tiny thing that went wrong. It was a vey hard life living on edge like that. He would change when I would finally have enough and threaten to leave but the good behaviour wouldn’t last.
best thing I ever did was leave. I’m now with a very very lovely man and am grateful for the life I have now. we have good days a lot and very few bad days but the bad days are never at each other just in general life’s struggles and things that crop up.
You deserve more than this, you’re a mum to your amazing child and have a great job, you should be coming home to a loving happy home not to a house with an atmosphere.

And I wouldn’t bother about what your or his families thing or say. They don’t live with him.

You can't fix him, and you can't fix her. She's certainly not your issue, for the love of all that is holy draw your boundaries.

Stop feeling sorry for him.

*I feel incredibly guilty about the sex thing. It must feel awful to be rejected by your spouse
*

He is incapable of taking any accountability for his behaviour, which is abusive. Of course you don't want to have sex with him, you are scared of him. **

The reasons for it aren't your issue. Do you have somewhere to go if you leave?