Moody husband update

[Olinguita]

I posted back in July about my struggles with my husband's ongoing mood swings. I wanted to give an update and ask the wise women of the Relationships board what you think of the recent improvement... And whether it is enough...
Background: since FIL passed away last year and DH has been cycling in and out of viciously bad moods that are incredibly destabilising and upsetting for me. We have a one year old child. I am VERY sympathetic to the bereavement but parenting a child in this environment has been challenging for me. He has had a short course of counseling but didn't really engage with it and wouldn't do any of the "homework". He refuses to see a GP. Widowed MIL is struggling to manage alone and they speak on the phone up to five times a day.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4593227-the-never-ending-moods?reply=118655008
The update: just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on the original post. You all helped me to gain some much needed outside perspective on a massively confusing situation.
I've gone back to work after my mat leave on a part-time basis but I have secured a promotion since my return that puts me on a much better salary. I know some people on the original thread expressed their concerns about me becoming financially dependent on this man, and I totally agree. I did some very aggressive networking when I finished mat leave and made sure that decision-makers at work knew that I was back in the game.
DH is somewhat improved and is more helpful with the baby now, and seems to get more enjoyment from parenting. My return to work has actually been pretty smooth so far and it is partly thanks to him stepping up at home
His moods are nowhere near as bad as they were a few months ago. However.... A couple of times a week he gets into horrible moods and either totally shuts down or is snappy and irritable. He sits on the sofa scowling, huffing and puffing and going on his phone. He gets angry if I ask what is wrong and says I am "provoking" him by asking questions. So I pull back, feeling a bit stung, and give him space, maybe offer a cup of tea and say I'm here to talk if he wants. I also ensure that he gets a decent amount of rest and free time on weekends. I appreciate that grief and depression are draining.
Even so....I find this a really unhealthy dynamic and I'm frankly getting a bit sick of it. Sometimes worse arguments do blow up over the most ridiculous things. he criticized my cooking while I was halfway through making a stew the other day, I defended myself and said he was being a pain, and he went nuts, yelling loud enough to wake the baby, punching the wall and swearing at me ("I don't want to eat your fucking food anyway") he then got all tearful and apologized.
I feel on edge around him a lot of the time, even when he is being nice. I also don't feel attracted to him at all and I can't let myself relax enough to be intimate 😬
He won't go for marriage counselling but I am going on my own.
I guess we are plodding along ok and to the outside it looks like things are getting better. But I don't know if it's enough. Are most couples tiptoeing around each other like this?

Honestly don’t be doing anything that involves bringing a difficult alcoholic anywhere near your life.

You DS doesn’t need this character in his life and you don’t need further toxic complications to triangulate your marriage (even if you end it) on your doorstep.

Focus solely on the well-being of you and your DS and let your abusive H clear off to care for his DM where ever and how ever he likes.

Leave, leave, leave!

You are NOT the 'crazy' one! HE is the abusive one.

"He ended up yelling, crying, hitting the walls, hitting himself and then flinging himself to the ground"

This is absolutely batshit, abusive, unacceptable behaviour and you shouldn't tolerate it. Do you want your son growing up seeing this as the way a man behaves?

Looks to me as if living with your MiL is really the least of your problems. I'd be more worried about living with HIM!

You need to separate. Right now he's throwing violet temper tantrums. The next step is physical abuse. And it WILL happen.

Self-centered parents can destroy their children’s marriages by exerting emotional pressure on their adult children- this is what’s happening to your DH and he’s clearly unable to deal with it. He needs to talk things over with someone outside the situation and deal with it rationally.

I’m not making excuses for him, his behavior is unacceptable, but I do have experience of dealing with a self-centered parent. My perfectly healthy Dad was exactly the same when my Mum died in my 20’s. He expected me to look after him, created all sorts of drama, and put huge emotional pressure on me (claimed he couldn’t cope, threatened suicide, etc.). Luckily he then met my step-Mum! I know my marriage wouldn’t have survived if I’d let him live with us, he would have undermined and criticized my DH at every turn.

You need to do what’s best for you and your child; your DH needs to stop blaming you and discuss this rationally. Does he have a close friend he could confide in?
He needs to understand that he could lose you if he doesn’t start behaving rationally.

DH wants to bring her to the UK asap

So she's not even in UK which means huge amounts of stress bringing her over, money, visa, lawyers costs to get permanency in UK etc. (Unless she has citizenship). Plus she has definite emotional stuff going on that won't facilitate a smooth transition fitting into your household.

Your husband is meanwhile hitting walls, throwing himself on the floor. The stress must be unbearable not knowing when he's going to kick off. Bad enough for you but what about your child who cannot articulate the terror he must feel in such an atmosphere.

Op, I have an ex who was similar, not as extreme but I just knew I had to get out of that relationship to protect our son.

I would get in touch with womensaid. That counsellor sounds worse than useless.

You sound lovely, please, you owe it to yourself and your child to make the best life for you both. Life can get lonely as a solo mum - and frankly, everyone can feel lonely in life - but it sure beats being in an awful relationship, which is an even worse loneliness. I have become so much stronger from it and will never compromise my happiness or that of my child for some dead-beat in my life who is unable to get his own shit together and blaming me for it and making me responsible to keep the whole shebang together.
Wishing you all the best.

He is absolutely outrageous. How can he shout, yell, kick the wall - all behaviour designed to frighten and intimidate you - and then tell you in the next breath that he wants to work things out between you? What he really wants is to continue a situation where he holds all the power and you tiptoe around him due to his intimidatio and abuse.

You're not the crazy one here and you desperately need to prioritise creating a safe environment for you and your son. As people have said, you are not responsible for his behaviour or how he feels - he is an adult. He has no business living with others and inflicting himself on them if he can't behave decently and appropriately. And you get to decide who you live with and no, that doesn't include MIL (and may not include him very soon). No one owns you.

I assume you had a post removed for being too outing? But based on the other comments, his behaviour is escalating. Did you push back at some point and so the screaming, telling, punching all came back?

OP, I hope you realise it's time to call it quits. He either seeks help for his behaviour (clearly he's not going to do that) or you leave. Because it's starting to get dangerous.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied. I got worried about details being outing so I deleted. Basically things blew up because MIL had been having a bad day, drinking and calling DH. I came home to find DH in a depressed, angry and tense state and there was a bit of an atmosphere.... I said said we needed to find some way forward as a family, because his mum's behaviour is getting him down and it impacts on the whole family... And that we need to find a middle ground between MIL staying alone and drinking herself to death on the one hand, and coming to live on top of us with no proper discussion of boundaries on the other... Let's just say it didn't go over well...
@HamBone yikes that sounds like you were put in a similar position to my DH. I'm relieved for you that it all worked out in the end @Iflyaway she has citizenship so could technically move here at the drop of a hat but there's a lot of admin that would need to be done. I guess I always thought she would move at some point but I just hoped DH and I could find our feet and get past the baby/toddler years first as her shifting here would consume a lot of our (his) focus and attention

@Olinguita i wouldn’t say it’s exactly worked out, I’ve had to stand my ground and I’m still accused of abandoning him 20 years later. Apparently, I’m supposed to look after him and my own needs /those of my family are secondary to his! It’s truly bizarre and some people aren’t cut out to be parents tbh.

If the long-term plan was to have your MIL in the UK anyway and she already has citizenship, why doesn’t your DH find somewhere to rent
(that could take a while in the current rental market) and make plans to move her into there? He can live there too if she needs help settling in (and you could do with a break from him).

Unless your flat is a massive penthouse, it won’t be suitable for three adults and a child long term anyway.

So your not-so-DH wants to move an alcoholic into your home. For you, no doubt, to the be primary 'carer' since he'll be out doing important 'man work stuff'.

Tell him that if she moves in, either you and DC will move into a 'separate home' which he is welcome to visit (alone) or he will have to move in with his mother and divide his time between her home and the 'family home' as ALL care for her will be his responsibility as you will not be there to do it for him.

And if you feel you can't do this because there will be a repeat of his recent behaviour, then again, you have a bigger problem than your MiL.

So your not-so-DH wants to move an alcoholic into your home.

@AcrossthePond55 has raised a good point to make with your DH- does he want his child exposed to his mother's problems with alcohol? That might make him stop and think again about having her live with you.

This is nothing to do with cultural expectations or your relationship with your MIL, it's about what's best for his son.

@AcrossthePond55 good points!!!!
@HamBone that's truly awful that your dad put you in that situation. I cannot understand the mentality of able-bodied parents who collapse so totally on their adult children that they choke their ability to thrive and have happy relationships. I mean, I'm all for supporting the older generation and making grandparents feel included in family life but some people just take the absolute p*ss. It's like nothing you do will ever be enough for some people.

You are abusing your child if you move in an alcoholic into your home. You are further being abusive by allowing your husbands behavior.

You have a child and your duty is to them. You cannot indulge your husbands wants and needs if they are at odds with the physical and emotional well-being of your child.

You need to get right and rise up for your child. This dynamic is no way healthy for a growing mind.

Your abusive husband and his alcoholic mother should have no place in the home. They need to get right, but not at the expense of you and your little one.

please, you sound very nice. But reality is here. You keep them only to majestic yourself feel better. It makes you just as abusive. You have a duty.

He’s got to go and boozy ole gammy isn’t your problem. It’s above you to be honest, she needs real help. Don’t be an abuser. Don’t hurt your child by having this around them.