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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody husband update

114 replies

Olinguita · 17/11/2022 16:06

I posted back in July about my struggles with my husband's ongoing mood swings. I wanted to give an update and ask the wise women of the Relationships board what you think of the recent improvement... And whether it is enough...
Background: since FIL passed away last year and DH has been cycling in and out of viciously bad moods that are incredibly destabilising and upsetting for me. We have a one year old child. I am VERY sympathetic to the bereavement but parenting a child in this environment has been challenging for me. He has had a short course of counseling but didn't really engage with it and wouldn't do any of the "homework". He refuses to see a GP. Widowed MIL is struggling to manage alone and they speak on the phone up to five times a day.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4593227-the-never-ending-moods?reply=118655008
The update: just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on the original post. You all helped me to gain some much needed outside perspective on a massively confusing situation.
I've gone back to work after my mat leave on a part-time basis but I have secured a promotion since my return that puts me on a much better salary. I know some people on the original thread expressed their concerns about me becoming financially dependent on this man, and I totally agree. I did some very aggressive networking when I finished mat leave and made sure that decision-makers at work knew that I was back in the game.
DH is somewhat improved and is more helpful with the baby now, and seems to get more enjoyment from parenting. My return to work has actually been pretty smooth so far and it is partly thanks to him stepping up at home
His moods are nowhere near as bad as they were a few months ago. However.... A couple of times a week he gets into horrible moods and either totally shuts down or is snappy and irritable. He sits on the sofa scowling, huffing and puffing and going on his phone. He gets angry if I ask what is wrong and says I am "provoking" him by asking questions. So I pull back, feeling a bit stung, and give him space, maybe offer a cup of tea and say I'm here to talk if he wants. I also ensure that he gets a decent amount of rest and free time on weekends. I appreciate that grief and depression are draining.
Even so....I find this a really unhealthy dynamic and I'm frankly getting a bit sick of it. Sometimes worse arguments do blow up over the most ridiculous things. he criticized my cooking while I was halfway through making a stew the other day, I defended myself and said he was being a pain, and he went nuts, yelling loud enough to wake the baby, punching the wall and swearing at me ("I don't want to eat your fucking food anyway") he then got all tearful and apologized.
I feel on edge around him a lot of the time, even when he is being nice. I also don't feel attracted to him at all and I can't let myself relax enough to be intimate 😬
He won't go for marriage counselling but I am going on my own.
I guess we are plodding along ok and to the outside it looks like things are getting better. But I don't know if it's enough. Are most couples tiptoeing around each other like this?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 19:25

I'm under a bit of pressure to put on a brave face.

You don't owe them, or him, protection from the consequences of his behaviour. This is not your fault, your DC and you shouldn't have to suffer this so everyone else can look good.

Original poster
Olinguita · 17/11/2022 19:33

StrewthMarge · 17/11/2022 18:22

Does he need go see a psychiatrist? Perhaps there is something seriously wrong with him.

This is my worry... The personality change from when we first met is alarming.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2022 19:35

He charmed you using his nice act and that was an act he could never hope to maintain.

GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 19:41

They don't start like this, they wait until they've got you pinned, and a baby is a great example.

unsync · 17/11/2022 19:49

Everything you have described about your relationship is abuse. He's following the script and you are playing your part too.

Please leave, it won't get better, especially if your MIL moves in.

Gingerbreadcandle · 17/11/2022 19:56

He won’t get better and won’t change. You need to ask him to leave. Please phone womens aid or you local council domestic abuse team for help to do this, as when you try to end the relationship it could escalate.
if I came out on a duty visit to you as a social worker I would be saying you MUST ask him to leave to keep your child safe.

MumofOne1789 · 17/11/2022 20:16

Personally if you’ve tried the tell him how you feel and he’s not willing to communicate or try and improve on himself /the situation then the marriage is over. You deserve better. When communication breaks down and one party isn’t willing to understand or have respect for how the other if feeling, it’s not good at all.

I think it’ll only get worse if he’s getting away with it. Do you want your baby to grow up around this?

Plus sleeping on the couch, not wanting to be intimate. Sounds like it’s over to me.

BuckarooBanzai · 17/11/2022 20:29

He's using bad behaviour as a form of control. The big loss of temper probably hasn't happened since because you've adjusted your behaviour to not poke the bear so to speak. I think the freedom program might actually give you the perspective you need. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Migoodness · 17/11/2022 21:00

Stop being understanding and accommodating. The wonderful man you once knew was a sham.
They are both manipulating and abusing you and will continue to do so.

There is only one victim here - YOU. Exit now. Face a brighter future.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/11/2022 22:22

Absolutely not. Shouting, swearing and punching a wall are all aggressive volatile behaviours on their own but together, it is abusive. It sounds like he doesnt want to put it right either if he wont even try counselling (although it's not recommended with an abuser)

chevvyroo · 17/11/2022 22:32

OP. The punching the wall and swearing at you. That's really not good. It sounds like because these nasty outbursts are just a bit less frequent, you think things are better. Do you think he punches walls and swears at people outside the house?

Sounds like you have some brilliantly with getting back to work and with your promotion. I'd be giving him an ultimatum and being prepared to act on it.

Onceuponawhileago · 17/11/2022 22:33

Im a guy and I cant imagine punching a wall. Thats not normal, not grief, not your responsibility nor is it sustainable. Id leave before you get punched. If you leave now your kid can have a great life.

Ofcourseshecan · 18/11/2022 00:14

OP, his behaviour is appalling, not in the least normal. The only reason you can tolerate it is because he was even worse in the past. But he’s still way outside the bounds of what’s acceptable.

You’ve done your best. You and DC should not be living with him.

OldFan · 18/11/2022 00:22

Oh no OP, not if there's still wall punching and yelling. Please leave ASAP xx

goosegrease789 · 18/11/2022 00:34

Op please, please take notice of what everyone is saying.

If my partner punched the wall and said he didn’t want to eat my fucking food then he would be out on his ear. The very first time.

Please tell your dh to leave. He can stay with his mother. I am afraid how this will escalate.

goosegrease789 · 18/11/2022 00:43

Btw op, I hope you know that this is not your problem to solve. Focus on the well-being of yourself and your child. Your dh won’t engage with therapy properly. And it is a very bad sign that he is blaming you for “provoking” his outbursts. He is not taking responsibility for his actions.

Once you have separated, he can see his child during supervised visits. Please ask him to leave and if he won’t, change the locks.

Have you told your family that he is punching the walks?

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2022 00:53

DH and I are of an age where we've lost all 4 of our parents. At no time did we go off the rails because of it. Yes, we grieved, terribly. Our parents were wonderful parents and even now we still miss them. But if anything our grief made us more 'careful' around each other because we recognized that we were not at our best. Other than possibly a bit of 'quiet withdrawal' and tears at times, life went on. It had to, we had children and responsibilities. But there was no unreasonable temper, no sullen 'huffing and puffing', and certainly no punching the walls! Absolutely unacceptable!

Personally, I think he's taking advantage of his grief to 'relax' and let his true nature show. He feels he has a good excuse for not reining in his temper and his acting out. And as the old saying goes "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Refusal to engage with counseling either means they don't think what they're doing is damaging to the relationship or they just don't give a rat's ass.

My family was conservative, too. When my first marriage ended in divorce my mother was mortified. Divorce just didn't happen in her family. But she got over it when she understood that the relationship was abusive and when she saw the 1000 tonne weight that was lifted off my spirit once he was done.

Don't stay if you are unhappy, period. Yes, it'll 'all be on you' as a single parent. But sometimes that ends up being less draining because the extra work is actually less taxing when compared with dealing with ugly moods and resentment in exchange for a little help around the house. You will be able to do things your way, run the house your way, spend the money your way, all with no tiptoeing around 'moods'.

NoodleSoup12 · 18/11/2022 00:57

OP, conditioned as they are, whenever I hear of a man crying at his OH I think “how manipulative.” Particularly crying after swearing and being a dick to her. Quite obvious what that was about.

you say the moods are a few times a week… so about 50% of the days in the week he has a massive sulk? OP, you deserve love and sex and happiness, and even if you don’t get that from a partner, you deserve a house for you and baby that’s full of love and (guiltless self-)sex and happiness!

i think you know it’s not enough of a change, or you wouldn’t be asking. I’m going to recommend Why Does He Do That? (Book) If you haven’t read it already, it Illuminated me to what the behaviour of an ex was about. Good luck. And well done for your gains at work!

Cameleongirl · 18/11/2022 01:02

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this , OP. Deep down, I think you know that this isn’t a tenable situation. It sounds as if you’re almost separated already, sleeping separately and not communications well.

I would sit down with him and say that your relationship isn’t working out as you can’t tolerate his behavior anymore. Say that you want to separate and ask him to move out. Even if he wants to make it work, personally think he needs to move out and sort out/get help for his behavioral issues before you can consider continuing the relationship. Otherwise he may just promise to change and not really do it. Good luck. 💐

Original poster
Olinguita · 18/11/2022 12:32

BuckarooBanzai · 17/11/2022 20:29

He's using bad behaviour as a form of control. The big loss of temper probably hasn't happened since because you've adjusted your behaviour to not poke the bear so to speak. I think the freedom program might actually give you the perspective you need. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Yikes hadn't thought about this before but yes I've stayed away from broaching difficult conversations and am quicker to back down in recent months...

OP posts:
Original poster
Olinguita · 18/11/2022 12:39

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2022 00:53

DH and I are of an age where we've lost all 4 of our parents. At no time did we go off the rails because of it. Yes, we grieved, terribly. Our parents were wonderful parents and even now we still miss them. But if anything our grief made us more 'careful' around each other because we recognized that we were not at our best. Other than possibly a bit of 'quiet withdrawal' and tears at times, life went on. It had to, we had children and responsibilities. But there was no unreasonable temper, no sullen 'huffing and puffing', and certainly no punching the walls! Absolutely unacceptable!

Personally, I think he's taking advantage of his grief to 'relax' and let his true nature show. He feels he has a good excuse for not reining in his temper and his acting out. And as the old saying goes "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Refusal to engage with counseling either means they don't think what they're doing is damaging to the relationship or they just don't give a rat's ass.

My family was conservative, too. When my first marriage ended in divorce my mother was mortified. Divorce just didn't happen in her family. But she got over it when she understood that the relationship was abusive and when she saw the 1000 tonne weight that was lifted off my spirit once he was done.

Don't stay if you are unhappy, period. Yes, it'll 'all be on you' as a single parent. But sometimes that ends up being less draining because the extra work is actually less taxing when compared with dealing with ugly moods and resentment in exchange for a little help around the house. You will be able to do things your way, run the house your way, spend the money your way, all with no tiptoeing around 'moods'.

Thanks for this comment, really resonates with me.
I'm from a fairly socially conservative Christian background, and am Christian myself (but married outside my faith). Interestingly my parents are both divorced and remarried which was deeply scandalous at the time but now everyone is much happier. I'm sure they would get used to it if DH and I were to separate! I'm actually not that scared at the prospect of being a single mum. Women manage and even thrive in much, much worse situations than this.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 18/11/2022 12:44

My beloved Dad passed away Im in pieces inside some days but I dont use it as an excuse to behave like an absolute pig to others. I have to get on with life. I bet he doesnt shout at his mum or his work colleagues.

I read situations like this and just think - are you not TIRED?! All this for 1 man in this world. Tiptoeing around trying to not get him in a mood. He's not your God

Hes an aggressive boor and you need to seperate. He can go live with his Mum. Unless you want years of this. Take your life back. I hope you have people close to you to support you as I imagine he'll continue being a pain in the backside any chance he gets.

Also what AcrossthePond55 said

Original poster
Olinguita · 18/11/2022 12:48

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the replies 🙏
My Relate counselor is lovely but I don't think he is fully seeing the gravity of the situation. There is a big focus in our sessions on my controlling my emotional responses and a lot of "have you tried talking to him? You should really talk to him" (yes... But every time I do he blows up or disengages...)
DH does have some things that he isn't happy about in the relationship. These are that I am "policing" his behaviour if I call him out on being in a bad mood, that I "hate " his mum (I don't, I just find her very difficult and would like to establish boundaries) and he hates the 2bed flat we live in. I really am open to talking all these things out but my attempts to do so have ended really badly so I've sort of given up.
My ideal scenario would be a trial separation in which he agrees to work on his mental health and in which he deals with MIL and they come up with some kind of workable plan for the future.
I am having serious, serious doubts about whether this situation is salvageable though.

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 18/11/2022 12:56

I'd call him on it. I had a not too dissimilar situation with DH in 2021 & it took me calling it to a head & announcing separation for him to snap out of it.
I would have gone through with it too!

Notsympatheticenough · 18/11/2022 12:58

I'd call him out too, if he hates all these things about your life together so much, and is doing nothing to compromise or change it, then - well something has to change.

You either become completely subservient to him and his moods - or say, fine, maybe it's better we go our separate ways.