Moody husband update

[Olinguita]

I posted back in July about my struggles with my husband's ongoing mood swings. I wanted to give an update and ask the wise women of the Relationships board what you think of the recent improvement... And whether it is enough...
Background: since FIL passed away last year and DH has been cycling in and out of viciously bad moods that are incredibly destabilising and upsetting for me. We have a one year old child. I am VERY sympathetic to the bereavement but parenting a child in this environment has been challenging for me. He has had a short course of counseling but didn't really engage with it and wouldn't do any of the "homework". He refuses to see a GP. Widowed MIL is struggling to manage alone and they speak on the phone up to five times a day.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4593227-the-never-ending-moods?reply=118655008
The update: just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on the original post. You all helped me to gain some much needed outside perspective on a massively confusing situation.
I've gone back to work after my mat leave on a part-time basis but I have secured a promotion since my return that puts me on a much better salary. I know some people on the original thread expressed their concerns about me becoming financially dependent on this man, and I totally agree. I did some very aggressive networking when I finished mat leave and made sure that decision-makers at work knew that I was back in the game.
DH is somewhat improved and is more helpful with the baby now, and seems to get more enjoyment from parenting. My return to work has actually been pretty smooth so far and it is partly thanks to him stepping up at home
His moods are nowhere near as bad as they were a few months ago. However.... A couple of times a week he gets into horrible moods and either totally shuts down or is snappy and irritable. He sits on the sofa scowling, huffing and puffing and going on his phone. He gets angry if I ask what is wrong and says I am "provoking" him by asking questions. So I pull back, feeling a bit stung, and give him space, maybe offer a cup of tea and say I'm here to talk if he wants. I also ensure that he gets a decent amount of rest and free time on weekends. I appreciate that grief and depression are draining.
Even so....I find this a really unhealthy dynamic and I'm frankly getting a bit sick of it. Sometimes worse arguments do blow up over the most ridiculous things. he criticized my cooking while I was halfway through making a stew the other day, I defended myself and said he was being a pain, and he went nuts, yelling loud enough to wake the baby, punching the wall and swearing at me ("I don't want to eat your fucking food anyway") he then got all tearful and apologized.
I feel on edge around him a lot of the time, even when he is being nice. I also don't feel attracted to him at all and I can't let myself relax enough to be intimate 😬
He won't go for marriage counselling but I am going on my own.
I guess we are plodding along ok and to the outside it looks like things are getting better. But I don't know if it's enough. Are most couples tiptoeing around each other like this?

@Lillygolightly I think you've nailed it.
Unfortunately his parents didn't make any plan for what would happen to MIL in old age after FIL passed. There is some money available but otherwise I guess their plan was to wing it or have someone else (DH, me) sort everything. So we now have total responsibility for someone who has lived (partly by choice) a rather insular life and will now depend on us for all her social and emotional needs. I am all for providing financial and emotional support to elderly parents if needed, and am sensitive to the cultural dynamics at play here, but this total lack of planning and foresight strikes me as utterly negligent on the part of PILs.
DH won't even ask me directly if MIL can move in, at least that way we could have a proper conversation about it. Instead we are just fighting a cold war. FWIW we did take her in for two months last year when she was newly bereaved so it's not like I'm totally heartless.
I feel that there is stuff I'm writing here that is outing but frankly this forum has been more helpful than Relate counseling or friends/family IRL so if anyone on here does know me... this is my reality, that I am dealing with every day, and I'm just a very tired mum who just wants to do the right thing and is trying to make sense of it all.

@Glorified thanks for the encouraging words. You have totally articulated my worries about the impact of all this on the baby.

OP I am very much of the ‘work through it’ school of thought regarding marriage but this doesn’t sound salvageable.

Whilst you are in a good place financially and whilst the MIL is still in her own country you need to get the ball rolling regarding separation.

punching the wall
You need to leave, soon as possible.
The next thing hes going to punch is you/baby.

I've not read the thread so I'm sure it's already been said but call womens aid, do the freedom programme, you are being abused.
Be careful while planning to leave. Dont let him hear you talking to womens aid, dont let him see any of the freedom programme.

So he doesn’t like the flat you have provided for him; it’s too small.
He doesn’t like the bed you have provided for him so he sleeps on the sofa.
He doesn’t like the food you cook for him, he doesn’t seem to enjoy your company, and he is expressing his dissatisfaction by damaging your property and implicitly threatening you physically.

I don’t see what he is getting out of this relationship, tbh. Surely he’d better off living on his own, or with his Mum. Sounds as if that would be a lot better for you and your child, as well.

I think you have turned the other cheek once too often.

You need to leave.

Definitely don't move MIL in, or if you do move yourself out. Pronto

This man is so awful and now by stealth wants to move his mother in.

Your poor child.

Get this man out before you find yourself outnumbered in YOUR home.

Your marriage is over.

Do not sacrifice yourself and your child to this awful man and his mother.

He is not a project.

Accept that it is oveŕ and be strong and brave and TELL him to leave.

You will feel lightness and relief when he is gone.

Please be brave for your child.

OP, what makes you think any of his behaviour has anything to do with his Dad dying?

It's equally probable that this is what he's really like, he's just waited until you've had a baby and so he thinks you are "stuck" with him to reveal himself. The grief if just a convenient excuse.

So many abusive couples, the abuse doesn't start until after the wedding, after the kids, after the victim has become trapped in the relationship.

My Mum died a few years ago. I cried sometimes, I had low moods, I was probably grumpy quite a bit, and on the 1st anniversary of her death I had this weird anxious day where the world was falling down and everything was a disaster and I quite bemused my partner with it.

What I didn't do was punch any walls, shout and swear and scare the shit out of my wife and child.

Please kick him out before he gets any worse

Punching walls is gearing up to punching you in the face. You're right to feel the way you do. You can only change what you do and you could do with a break away from him to see if that gives him space to work on himself. If the will is there.

OP, you are minimising the wall punching too much because "it's just one time". And I agree with others - it's only been one time so far because it worked: you immediately backed down and are no longer attempting to have the difficult conversations. I would be tempted to try an experiment where you consciously do NOT back down next time, and see what happens.

For context, here's what happened when DH was struggling with anger. On one occasion, he threw a chopping board at a door frame. There were no people anywhere near. The chopping board broke and dropped to the floor.

An hour later, when he calmed down, I pointed out to DH that a) this was unacceptable behaviour at any time and b) while no one was standing there, it was a doorway and 2 year old Ds could have wandered through at any moment.

DH booked therapy the next morning. In his case, there was a specific trigger to do with his family that he had been ignoring, and therapy helped him to process that. We have never had an incident of that sort ever again.

If I lost my temper so badly that I punched a wall, I would immediately know there was a problem and that I needed to fix it. Your DH is choosing not to. I am sympathetic to a man who is struggling with grief, guilt, post-covid trauma and with responsibility for a difficult mother. But that doesn't excuse him taking it out on you. DH was endlessly patient with me when I lost my mother, and I was definitely less affectionate, less engaged etc. But I didn't treat him like shit and even in my grief I saw and appreciated and verbalised that appreciation for him.

Your counsellor's attitude is appalling, quite frankly. You aren't there to be told what you are doing wrong in the marriage and all the things you need to do to fix it, especially since this counsellor has never even met your husband, and seems to have precious little idea of what you are dealing with.

Find another counsellor - one who is going to focus on your needs, and will support you.

@Olinguita - I asked before but I'll ask again:

Did you legally protect your flat, ie ring fence it, before you got married?

i suspect not, in which case it is imperative that you seek competent legal advice without delay.

There is a very real risk that the flat you paid for could be determined in a divorce court to be part of the joint marital assets. This risk increases the longer you stay married.

@ShellsOnTheBeach the flat wasn't ringfenced and yep I'm seeking legal advice!

I hope everything works out for you 💐

@ShellsOnTheBeach thanks. appointment with lawyer made 👍
Feeling immensely guilt about the plight of my MIL who is struggling to live on her own.... I'm sure she was just expecting as per her culture she'd just move in with us and that would be her sorted 😬
I feel like gradually navigating my way through this mess one step at a time...
Thanks again everyone on the thread for the support ❤️

Grief is a messy, unpredictable thing (going through it myself) but while I have good days and bad days, I don't ever have the right to take it out on someone else. It's my burden to carry, not theirs. If I am taking it out on others then it's my responsibility to get help.

It sounds as though you're being incredibly accommodating (which is very kind) but it's completely unfair for him to use you as his emotional punching bag and then blame his grief. Not fair at all and I'm not surprised that you're tired of it.

@mirrormirroronthewalls I'm sorry for your loss, and thank you for taking time to share your perspective as someone who is personally dealing with grief

@Olinguita - stop the guilt!! Your MIL is not your responsibility.

Your husband torpedoed any help you might have been willing to give by treating you like sh!t, so his mother is now entirely his problem.

I am late to this thread but your H's refusal to say anything and being totally avoidant of ALL of the issues is a great tactic to make you look bad and feel guilty and therefore get what he wants as you continue to try and people please.

Your MiL problem easily solved - your husband goes and lives with her.

Win-win.

he went nuts, yelling loud enough to wake the baby, punching the wall and swearing at me ("I don't want to eat your fucking food anyway") he then got all tearful and apologized. Nothing about that is normal, nor is it a situation in which you should just keep plodding on as you are doing - not just for your sake, but also for your child's. What sort of an atmosphere is this in which to bring up a child?

It is very hard when someone you love and had planned your life around starts to change in ways that undermine the relationship fundamentally. But this is what you are facing. He is not the man you chose and married.

If it is a mental health problem and is amenable to treatment then there may be a future - but if he will not cooperate with tackling this then it is not your responsibility. And you cannot tie yourself to this. If he is willing to seek treatment, then you may feel you wish to support him through this.

Gosh op l do feel for you, your H is totally abusive and l can see that you are only just beginning to see it. Please keep posting here for further insight.

Re your MIL she is in her 60s ! Why does she need so much looking after?? Unless she has a major debilitating illness she is quite capable of making a life for herself. Put her out of the question.

I too am concerned about the impact on your Dc of you negative and damaging DHs behaviour.
You would be much better to seperate and continue to be supportive in a limited capacity from a distance. I wish you luck.

@Rafferty10 it's cultural, she expects to be taken care of in old age by her son, and she is struggling so much with grief and loneliness that she has turned to drinking. This why DH wants to bring her to the UK asap because "she may die soon." Her needs by default trump mine and it has been hardwired into my husband that she is now his responsibility. I am very much the "bad DIL" in this situation and I'm sure a lot of people in my husband's culture would agree.

I've been looking at short lets locally for next year where they could both stay to give the situation some breathing space. She wouldn't be capable (apparently) of staying alone even nearby in an Airbnb.

Oh op, l think this 'cultural' thing is such an excuse, an excuse to be looked after by long suffering children.

I would never want to intrude on my childrens lives in my 80s let alone in my 60s.

I do feel sorry that she has lost her DH but that does not mean you have to look after her.

More importantly though is your Dhs abusive behaviour, l cannot believe you have not left him, let him live with his mother and you be free.