Partner pushed me in front of our child

[Justifiedormyfault]

We have issues anyway but I'm say here shaking. Am I over exaggerating?
This was the conversation...

For context. I do absolutely everything in the house, he's only recently started helping more with our child and he frequently stays away.

This happened in our sons bedroom. I was putting him to bed.

Partner goes to get some cream for our 3 year olds rash
Me- "I can do that, you go to the pub" (he said he was going for a drink)
Him "No. I'll do it, you're incompetent. If it was upto you. Nothing would get done"
Me- "that's not very nice"
He puts cream ln our sons face, who screams because it stings
This is where I know I was antagonistic and it's probably my fault but I was upset at his suggestion because literally do everything.
Me "Well done. Lucky you're so competent"

He grabs hold of me, says you're a fucking bitch. Whilst grabbing hd of my arms, he pushes me out of the bedroom, telling me I'm a fucking twat. Slams the door on me and holds it shut so I can't get in.

Our 3 year old is shouting mummy, let mummy in and partner says
"No mummy is horrible and rude to daddy".

He finally lets me in. I ask if he can please leave so I can put our son to bed.
I tell him I cant believe he has physically grabbed me in front of our child and he says I'm ridiculous.

Am I exaggerating? I know I shouldn't have made any comment to him, I was just upset because I literally non stop run around after everyone and frequentloom after our child days on end whilst he's not here. So suggesting nothing would be done without him has upset me.

I'm shaking sat in our sons room. I can hear partner downstairs and I'm too anxious to go down. Partly because I can't handle anymore being belittled and told off and partly because Im worried he will leave me (I'm pathetic).

It's not your fault

Op, I can only suggest counselling and major self awareness to work out why you stay, trying to have a relationship with this cheat and abuser, in spite of such shit behaviour.... And question yourself about who's in the right/what is valid.

A useful mental exercise is to put a sister or friend or theoretical daughter in your position and ask yourself who you think is right, who is fair, what they should do ..... Ask yourself that and post, listing what's he's done and what you think they should do in each situation, and on general.

*in general

You aren't listening at all are you @Justifiedormyfault?

What do you actually want here? You've said you don't want him to leave you and you obviously won't leave him... your children being in an abusive household isn't enough, cheating isn't enough.

You won't engage with Women's Aid, your GP, the police or any domestic abuse charities or even make the first step to access NHS counselling.

This has been going on since the first time you fell pregnant when you had been with him just a few months, so you can't even say he put on a good act for you.

YOU need to take responsibility for keeping your sons in this toxic, horrendous environment. Your poor older son is bullied by him and that isn't enough??

You know he is probably still cheating on you now? Because where are the consequences not to?!!

What the hell will it take??

Honestly at this point this is completely correct. It's infuriating to read, I don't know what you want op. Your children are being abused and are in danger, if that's not enough for you to leave, what is?

Yes, @flutterbyfly, I too recognize the sadistic doctor who works 10 hours a week. As you say, OP has been provided an abundance of support and resources on countless threads.

This man is indeed a monster, and I’ve always been disturbed about the boys being exposed to his heinous behavior. Not only do they hear his abusive ranting at OP, but he will ask her older son questions and then dominate and talk loudly over him when he tries to answer, which of course frustrates him.

His cruelty started early on: When OP was an uncomfortable 9 months pregnant and they were moving in together, he made her move everything in all by her herself. And when OP was calling for help because she was ill and vomiting in the bed with their screaming 7 month old baby lying right next to her, he looked in and and walked away.

The relentless verbal/emotional pummeling that he perpetrates on OP is always hard to read about, but concerned posters’ advice never gets through. She has admitted her desperation for him to love her and her fear that he will leave her. She counts on their physical relationship to bind him to her.

I sincerely hope that this physical assault that terrorized her 3 year old, and was probably heard by her 12 year old, will propel OP to leave this brutal thug who is a poison to them all.

Just to clarify that I have spoken to womens aid, I have done the freedom programme, read the recommended books (3 which names escape me), looked into UC. Unfortunately it doesn't help me financially. It isn't about not wanting to downsize. It's that there are zero properties to rent. There is literally nothing around here. I've spoken to family and friends, my family are too far away to move with them.

Realistically I need to start putting money aside so I can afford to move out and can afford all the associated moving costs.

Your reply says it all I'm afraid. Just excuses, not even any denial of anything, just complete passive acceptance of your fate. Focusing on money and "lack of rental options" instead of the fact you are keeping your children in a toxic, abusive environment.

You know that you are not protecting your children, they are only mentioned as an afterthought to flesh out your tales of woe about him, not as the main focus and reason for you to leave!

Honestly, you actively seeking this "man"s approval and commitment, still trying to tie him down into marriage through regular sex and sheer unwillingness to leave, it's not only ground you down but it is going to ruin your sons' lives.

THEY ARE BEING ABUSED. You don't care that you are, fair enough. But you are failing to keep your children safe because of money and your pride. It's desperately sad, as well as just desperate.

What did Women's Aid suggest about the difficulty of finding somewhere to rent?

Hopefully the older child at some point will disclose the abuse to a trusted adult. At least that way both children may be helped to a place of safety before more damage is done to them,

Can women's aid not put you in a temporary shelter, and on the urgent/high priority list for housing?

He's pushed you around now. It's not even just verbal and psychological abuse.

Could you live temporarily with family?

He's excluded you from a room with a distressed child who saw you being pushed out and kept you separate when the child wanted you.

Is that not enough for WA to get you in somewhere temporarily and then on the high priority housing list?

I've spoken to family and friends, my family are too far away to move with them.

Is your child's school the issue?

You have 1 child from a previous relationship and one with him, is that right?

Can you look into a school place near your family.

Can you look for work in that area?

To answer a few questions. When I spoke to womens aid (around 3 months ago) it was before he grabbed/pushed me. They just suggested I contact my local womens aid.

Although my family would have me, it's just too far away. My eldest son would be 2 hours.from his dad and he sees him regularly. School is the main issue as I don't want to move the children as they are settled. Also, I grew up in a village in the middle of nowhere which is now run down with little opportunity. I looked at the local schools but they are rated very poorly. Realistically I don't want to give up my job either. I like my job, I love my colleagues. However the main issue is the lack of decent schooling.

My eldest son doesn't actually see my partner much. It may sound odd but he has every other weekend with his dad and the weekend we all have together, I generally now go to my mum's with the children. During the week my son is in school. When home my partner tends to work and then sits on Xbox. He never does anything with my son.

I also worry that I'd we split, my youngest would be alone with his dad. I don't feel he will hurt him but his dad is not only abusive but odd...I just can't explain. He'd probably sit on the Xbox and give my son his phone constantly. His eldest son is Xbox addicted and when he has him they both sit separately on phones or Xbox all weekend. I don't want that for my child.

The recent physical assault was horrific, but the years of verbal beatings and toxic atmosphere have been just as destructive to you and the children. He has always told you that you deserve it, and I see that he is also telling the children that you deserve it. “Let Mummy in!” “No, Mummy is horrible.”

You’ve previously taken issue with the suggestion that the children are being negatively affected and damaged. This is how abuse is perpetuated through generations. Your children are being primed to be abusers or abuse victims in their lives.

But he already his. He is emotionally a using his children.

Everything you've said about him doesn't exactly scream that he will fight you for access, he doesn't seem in the least bit interested in his son.

I think you need to be really honest about why you don't WANT to leave. Because from all of your previous threads, and even in this one, you are still clinging on to the idea of a relationship with him for dear life. You are (from previous threads) still begging him for sex and asking for reassurance that he isn't cheating. He probably is, as there are no consequences for him when he does.

YOU are rewarding his terrible behaviour, and refusing to protect your children.

Take some ownership here. If you can't do it to save your sons and their future character/relationships (would you want them to treat their partners like this?!) then where is your PRIDE??

However the main issue is the lack of decent schooling.

Your children would be better off in a ‘poorly rated school’ than continue to be subjected to abuse at home.

I’ll be honest, I’m sometimes a bit dubious about people who enthusiastically tell women to leave their partners NOW!! which does happen quite a lot on MN.

But your post about the video. Fucking chilling. Fuck schools, fuck money, fuck work. Take your kids and go to your family.

Just to clarify. I don't beg him for sex. Ever.

Me asking for reassurance was when he first cheated and I was devastated. This was months ago.

I don't ask him for any reassurance. I know there is none to be had. I'm completely detached. I don't want him to marry me. I don't want him forever in my life.

As much as I feel I still love him. I genuinely hate the man more than I can describe.

I will definitely be leaving. There is no relationship to save. I am certain of this and my children deserve better.

I am going to spend more time at my mum's around the children being in school. I'll encourage him to go to his dad's, seen as he loves it so much. In between, I'll keep quiet and maintain equilibrium. I'm putting money away and looking for properties.

There is no maintaining equilibrium though, it's escalating.

And come on now, don't be disingenuous, your last thread was a month ago when you were "asking for reassurance he hadn't been unfaithful since the last lot of messages you found" and even on this post you say you left him alone so he wouldn't leave you. Asking a serial cheater to prove he's still faithful is desperate and pointless.

He's been abusive since the start and you still have been creating post after post asking how you can get him to marry you/put you in his will/get a mortgage. It's like you've put up with so much you feel you are owed the ultimate trauma bond.

The abuse isn't your fault but the situation now is, particularly regarding your child that isn't his.

Look, it's no skin off posters' backs what you choose to do with your life, but don't pretend you are protecting your children and providing them with any kind of stability.

If you can travel to your mum's on the weekends you have both sons then you could travel in the other direct for your eldest's contact weekend with his dad.

Or let him live with his dad and you take your youngest to your mums, why won't that work??

In the hours and hours you spend detailing your life on here you could make so many plans. Or even spend time with your children out of the toxic environment that is your home.

You need to take control of this. Now, not in a few months when you have more money/there's more properties available. Those are excuses, and you've been making them for at least the past 18 months. That's half your youngest's life, spent in this toxic mess.

Don't punish your kids any further for your bad decisions.

Sounds very toxic did women's aid help op.

She won't respond now until the next "episode" occurs. Then cue, in a few weeks, a name change, more horrific details and a plea for help which she will absolutely refuse to take.