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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner pushed me in front of our child

148 replies

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 21:33

We have issues anyway but I'm say here shaking. Am I over exaggerating?
This was the conversation...

For context. I do absolutely everything in the house, he's only recently started helping more with our child and he frequently stays away.

This happened in our sons bedroom. I was putting him to bed.

Partner goes to get some cream for our 3 year olds rash
Me- "I can do that, you go to the pub" (he said he was going for a drink)
Him "No. I'll do it, you're incompetent. If it was upto you. Nothing would get done"
Me- "that's not very nice"
He puts cream ln our sons face, who screams because it stings
This is where I know I was antagonistic and it's probably my fault but I was upset at his suggestion because literally do everything.
Me "Well done. Lucky you're so competent"

He grabs hold of me, says you're a fucking bitch. Whilst grabbing hd of my arms, he pushes me out of the bedroom, telling me I'm a fucking twat. Slams the door on me and holds it shut so I can't get in.

Our 3 year old is shouting mummy, let mummy in and partner says
"No mummy is horrible and rude to daddy".

He finally lets me in. I ask if he can please leave so I can put our son to bed.
I tell him I cant believe he has physically grabbed me in front of our child and he says I'm ridiculous.

Am I exaggerating? I know I shouldn't have made any comment to him, I was just upset because I literally non stop run around after everyone and frequentloom after our child days on end whilst he's not here. So suggesting nothing would be done without him has upset me.

I'm shaking sat in our sons room. I can hear partner downstairs and I'm too anxious to go down. Partly because I can't handle anymore being belittled and told off and partly because Im worried he will leave me (I'm pathetic).

OP posts:

Frith2013 · 14/11/2022 22:23

Call the police.

ToughAndDurable · 14/11/2022 22:24

Again, your poor poor children.

Original poster

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:25

I know I need to make plans for my children.
I just worry sometimes that I'm overreacting. He tells me I'm pathetic and mentally ill, so I end up thinking maybe it isn't that bad, maybe it's in my head.

OP posts:

Greenshake · 14/11/2022 22:26

You are not overreacting. This post is proof of that.

ilovemaxibons · 14/11/2022 22:26

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:21

Thank you all for giving me some perspective. He didn't go to the pub. I managed to sneak downstairs and he is in the other room where his computer is.

He's been drinking for a few hours though. I've calmed down a bit. I think I was getting over anxious because my other child was in the next bedroom and my youngest was in the room with "partner". I just wanted to get my child out and leave. To be honest, when he first grabbed my arms and sharted shouting, I wasn't sure if he was going to hit me.

I can't believe it really. The cheating, gaslighting, emotional abuse, belittling, making me feel I am nothing...
But I never thought he'd physically touch me.
He has started to look at me with such hate though that it worries me. He once told me he wanted to punch me in the face but I never thought he'd actually want to hurt me.
I'm not upset it's in front of our child. I'd rather he waits until they are in nursery/school and then he can hit me, punch me, do what he likes. Not in front of my kids though.

I won't phone the police. I'd feel ridiculous and it would have serious implications for his job. I maybe need to remember to keep my mouth shut. I try so hard to avoid any confrontation that I try to not speak but then he tells me I'm a miserable bitch.

You don't have to worry about his job, worry about your childrens safety!!!

TheDuck2018 · 14/11/2022 22:29

So many red flags here I don't know where to begin....

Leave now. Read back what you've written, read it properly and imagine it's your best friend saying this to you....leave now!

FettleOfKish · 14/11/2022 22:30

Fuck his job and fuck him. Remove your kids from this situation while you still have the choice; if it escalates (and it will) then you run the serious risk of them being removed from you for failure to protect them.

I'm sorry to be harsh but it's the truth. Get your documents and the kids documents together and at the very next safe opportunity get all of you out to somewhere safe.

Notmyyearthisyear · 14/11/2022 22:32

OP if you are not ready to hear what everyone is saying here you will not hear it right now. You will justify his behaviour for a bit longer, and it will get worse for a bit longer… but one day you won’t be able to take any more. But so much more damage will be done between today and that day. Damage to you, damage to your children. Even the little one they sense what is going on and it affects them. You cannot protect them by trying to take the abuse when they are out of the house. The only way you can protect them is by leaving.
but you are not ready to do it yet. Take some little steps. Talk to a trusted friend. A therapist. Don’t keep it a secret. I’ve been there. It doesn’t end well.
sending you strength x

BankseyVest · 14/11/2022 22:35

Do you have someone you and the dc could go and stay with? Can you leave now or tomorrow?

purpleboy · 14/11/2022 22:37

Your poor children, if you don't respect yourself enough to leave this abusive POS then that's on you, but you're completely failing your children by allowing them to grow up witnessing such abuse. I hope they have someone in their lives willing to put them first.

BigScreen · 14/11/2022 22:37

Your children are living in a Domestic violence household. Do you know what emotional damage seeing things like this will do to your children ?

I work in this field. It doesn't matter if you think they can't hear, don't understand or don't see. They do, they always do.

If you can't muster up the courage to leave for your own welfare, do it for the kids.

Cw112 · 14/11/2022 22:37

"I'd rather he waits until they are in nursery/school and then he can hit me, punch me, do what he likes. Not in front of my kids though."

Firstly, he's made you think this is where the bar is at. Secondly, if you get hit etc when your kids are at school don't think they won't notice when they come home. Kids pick up on everything that happens at home especially a tense atmosphere. They will notice you walking around on eggshells.

You owe this guy NOTHING. You owe him zero care about his job etc. If he cared about his job and his family he wouldn't be behaving the way that he has been. The buck stops with him, he is the one acting out of order and as a grown man he is the one who is responsible for his own actions not you. Any consequences for him as a result of this are on him and him alone. You are clearly scared of him from your posts. This is not normal, you should never ever feel afraid in your relationship. Please get help to leave. Ring women's aid when it's safe to do so and they will help you make a plan to leave safely even if you choose not to go through the police.

Original poster

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:39

I know. I need to leave. I'm working a lot the next 3 days, he is staying away in Thurs. I'll go to my mum's the weekend with the children. He may choose to leave anyway. He threatens it all the time. He tells me I need to do better or he will leave me. This is because he didn't like me mentioning that he cheated on me (I was asking for reassurance). Be told me I was abusive for asking him if he could remain faithful and it made him angry. Since I discovered his cheating, he has anger towards me.

OP posts:

DesMoulinsRouge · 14/11/2022 22:41

I'll bet he bloody does have anger that he got caught.
Please leave him, you don't deserve this.

cestlavielife · 14/11/2022 22:42

I'd rather he waits until they are in nursery/school and then he can hit me, punch me, do what he likes.

Right.
Then your kids have a broken mum
It isnt ok
Just go
Andreport

Original poster

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:43

@cestlavielife I'm already broken. There is much worse that I could write here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:43

I just thought I was at least physically safe, even if he's ruined every part of my self esteem.

OP posts:

OOvavuuu · 14/11/2022 22:49

Just plan your exit quietly without him knowing. I personally wouldn't call the police as social services will most likely get involved.
I have been through this and it never gets better, sorry to say. It will happen again and it's so damaging for the children to witness. My ex lives in a flat and the children visit him every other weekend now and we're civil. It's the best thing for the children. Best of luck with everything.

ladydimitrescu · 14/11/2022 22:50

Your children are in danger - you need to get yourself up, his cheating and all of that don't matter right now tbh, don't focus on that. You need to get your kids out of that house. I cannot express this enough.

I'm really really sorry if this upsets you, but I'm hoping it'll make you see sense and act -
I begged another woman like you to leave op. Just like you in fact. She's dead. He killed her, and he is in prison and her children lost their mother.
Please go. Please.

OOvavuuu · 14/11/2022 22:53

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 22:39

Prepare to be called the abuser when you leave. They all do this - it's text book. Just rise above it as much as it hurts, especially when some idiots actually believe it. Most women out there know that it's rarely the woman who is the abuser (the same applies in court).

Greenshake · 14/11/2022 22:54

OOvavuuu · 14/11/2022 22:49

By not calling the Police, he gets away with it.

Greenshake · 14/11/2022 22:57

There will also be zero safeguarding measure put in place.

LondonWolf · 14/11/2022 22:58

Dotcheck · 14/11/2022 22:05

Jesus, you guys sound toxic. Just leave

No she doesn't! He does. Don't try and imply it's from both sides. That kind of rhetoric is what keeps women in abusive relationships.

Original poster

Justifiedormyfault · 14/11/2022 23:02

@OOvavuuu oh I know this is coming. After I found out he had cheated (with at least 6 women I may add), I initially asked him to leave. At first he refused, then later agreed on the basis that he was scared of me because I was dangerous and may stab him. I have never as much as threatened violence towards him, hit him, thrown things etc. He made it clear if we split, it wasn't because he cheated it's because I'm mentally ill and have anger issues. Do you know how much it kills me inside that he has treated me this way, yet tells people I'm dangerous and crazy! I've done everything for our family.

OP posts:

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/11/2022 23:03

If he's been violent to you in front of your kids, he will end up being violent with your kids.
Your son was trying to get you back in the room, when he's a bit bigger in the same situation do you think he won't try and run to you? Get his dad away? And what will your partner do then? He'll hit him. He will hit your children.

Also, your kids need an alive mother, not a one murdered by her partner. Who will be left to protect them then?

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