Partner pushed me in front of our child

[Justifiedormyfault]

We have issues anyway but I'm say here shaking. Am I over exaggerating?
This was the conversation...

For context. I do absolutely everything in the house, he's only recently started helping more with our child and he frequently stays away.

This happened in our sons bedroom. I was putting him to bed.

Partner goes to get some cream for our 3 year olds rash
Me- "I can do that, you go to the pub" (he said he was going for a drink)
Him "No. I'll do it, you're incompetent. If it was upto you. Nothing would get done"
Me- "that's not very nice"
He puts cream ln our sons face, who screams because it stings
This is where I know I was antagonistic and it's probably my fault but I was upset at his suggestion because literally do everything.
Me "Well done. Lucky you're so competent"

He grabs hold of me, says you're a fucking bitch. Whilst grabbing hd of my arms, he pushes me out of the bedroom, telling me I'm a fucking twat. Slams the door on me and holds it shut so I can't get in.

Our 3 year old is shouting mummy, let mummy in and partner says
"No mummy is horrible and rude to daddy".

He finally lets me in. I ask if he can please leave so I can put our son to bed.
I tell him I cant believe he has physically grabbed me in front of our child and he says I'm ridiculous.

Am I exaggerating? I know I shouldn't have made any comment to him, I was just upset because I literally non stop run around after everyone and frequentloom after our child days on end whilst he's not here. So suggesting nothing would be done without him has upset me.

I'm shaking sat in our sons room. I can hear partner downstairs and I'm too anxious to go down. Partly because I can't handle anymore being belittled and told off and partly because Im worried he will leave me (I'm pathetic).

I'm not upset it's in front of our child. I'd rather he waits until they are in nursery/school and then he can hit me, punch me, do what he likes. Not in front of my kids though.

Would you listen to yourself! FFS.

"He can hit me, punch me"??

I feel so sad for you OP to think that you "deserve" that.....

You could end up dead. Also what lesson are you teaching your children about relationships? They will just absorb it and think it's the norm growing up.

Honestly. I'm a solo mum and the living without an abusive father is bliss.
Wishing you strength.

It may have implications for his job? Well he should have thought about that when he struck out at you. If he did what he did to you to a stranger then he would be facing an assault charge. It's not acceptable when you are supposed to be equals, partners, parents and friends.

Phone the police.

So what you have done as an adult is to get back into a situation similar to the one you grew up in. It isn't because you think it is 'normal' - you know perfectly well that it isn't - but it is because it is what you know, what is familiar. You know how to 'do' wronged and neglected and abused. You seek out and kind of welcome situations that reinforce your low self-esteem.

This is what you are gifting to your children. They too will gravitate towards abusive relationships because that level of fear and rage and insecurity will be what they know and will seek to recreate because it feels familiar and comforting.

You can get help from Woman's Aid, OP.

You are right though, if my older child (12) had seen him pushing and grabbing me, he would have been scared.

Or he may have instinctively tried to protect you and been assaulted by his dad at minimum shoving him away and at worst, much much worse.

An abusive partner who targets you in a home with a pre teen / teen son who will soon feel obliged to intervene to protect you is so unbelievably damaging to your son and so high risk.

When your son is big enough and able to square up to him, his dad will see him as a threat rather than a child.

That's why you need to leave right now.

He was in the next room. I don't know how he didn't hear 😢 hopefully he had his headphones on.

You don't know he didn't hear. Kids pretend they don't hear things when they've been conditioned to keep the peace, not place themselves in the middle of the aggression or verbal abuse, walk on eggshells. He likely goes to bed and wakes up anxious just like you.

They will be anxious all the time for as long as you stay. A constant state of fight or flight and walking on eggshells.

Living in an abusive household where one parent abuses another is abusive to the children too.

You're in danger, so are they. He hurt one child today physically to make a point. Your poor little boy doesn't just need you to be his voice, he needs you to keep him safe (along with his older brother) by removing him from this household.

Being in a refuge getting support is better for them that being taught abuse is acceptable. Because however much you say to them it isn't, as long as they see you staying with your abuser those words are entirely undermined.

My dad was pretty much an alcoholic and I'disten to him shout and argue with my mum. I's lie there, too scared to sleep. I remember several times, them shouting and me jumping up and down screaming in the middle of them.

This is why you're now in an abusive relationship. Living under the same roof as another abusive relationship is why your children will likely repeat the cycle. Break the cycle. Show them with actions, not words, that this isn't what a relationship should look like.

You're 30. Many women don't even have children at this age. You could have an entire, happy life ahead. 50+ years of happiness versus zero happiness with him. 50+ years of watching your kids be happy and healthy versus zero years of them being happy and healthy because they're living in an abusive home.

Men like him escalate, they do not get better.

Men like him hate women, that's why he now looks at you with complete and utter contempt.

This needs womens aid and police involvement.

Dude.

If you tolerate it, you're setting future women up to be in your situation.

Either your daughters will be you or your son's partners will be you.

Because that's the model they're growing up with.

Leave for them.

Yes exactly this

Police and/or social services need to be involved instantly. It's domestic violence and child abuse in that your child has been forced to witness violence.

I’m not for a second saying that she is responsible for his behaviour. However, the whole relationship IS toxic. The environment the children are in IS toxic.
OP- please don’t take away any blame for his behaviour from my post. However, it is critical that OP prioritises her children, and gets them out of that terrible environment

You need to do the right thing for your son and for yourself. Leave him. If you don't you're not taking care of your child and from the sound of your relationship will be putting your son in emotional and physical danger. Leave

Can you stay with your mum while you save up some money? She can also help you plan your next steps.

He adores our son

He really doesn’t.

Dads who love their kids don’t treat their mums like this and let their children be subjected to witnessing violence and abuse.

I feel awful. My 3 year old some this morning really unhappy. He was really sad and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying "I want to see daddy", gave him a cuddle and tried to console him.

Posted too early.
Tried to console him. I said he'd see daddy later, he's asleep but he was really upset and kept asking for his dad, so went in to see him. He is a little poorly though. Not sure why he wants dad so much

Meant to say 3 year old woke this morning

I'd say he is terrified.
Does he go to nursery?

I grew up with a mum who thought like you, who put his job and his and feelings first.
He left her anyway in the end after years of abuse.
Claims they never thought I could hear it or it didn't affect me.

I am no contact with my dad and poor relationship with her.

You know this is abusive.
I understand its a scary thought getting out and ending the relationship, that's your choice but your children do not have a choice, no child deserves to hear and see this, you have a job as a parent,to protect your kids you are not protecting them.
Your sons behaviour this morning is fear, you are not protecting him from this
Who cares if what your partner has done gets him in to trouble with the police, actions have consequences you and your children are more important than him.

You can't let your children live in fear because you're worried about the implications of him being reported to the police, that would make you a poor mother.
Call womens aid and the police, put a stop to this now.

You also said you didn't think he'd ever hurt you. Just shows that you have no idea what he's capable of

Op, just put this in perspective.

When you got with him did you ever think he'd cheat on you? Shout at you? Gaslight you? Physically shove you? Physically assault you in front of your kids?

How can you now be so sure he won't ever hurt your kids? You know that 'hurt' doesn't just mean physically, it can be emotional and mental too. Sounds like he is more than capable of all of the above.

Sounds like your child is terrified of being the next victim, so is desperate to see his dad and make sure he won't be!
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have got to see what damage this is doing to your child.

I grew up in a household like this and it was incredibly damaging. Please leave now

I believe it’s quite common for the children of abusive parents to be clingy and affectionate towards the one doing the abusing. It’s a defence mechanism to try and ingratiate themselves with the person who has the power - much the same way as I imagine you do, trying to placate him and not ‘wind him up’ to prevent him turning on you.

Please don’t see your son being concerned to see his dad as proof that he’s a good dad. He really isn’t.

Any good dad would be mortified if their young child witnessed such nasty behaviour towards their mum, let alone him being the one to dish it out. He has no idea how to be a decent dad - otherwise he’d protect his child and their mum from harm, rather than expose them to it.

OP, he wants dad so much because children in households with abusive fathers favour the father — they are scared of him and so they have to curry his favour, they worry about his moods and so they try to cuddle him and give him love to make him better. This sets them up for their adult relationships, and makes them more vulnerable to all kinds of abuse. There is a book called Why Does He Do That? I’d recommend it. It’s on kindle. The chapter on effects of abuse on children is eye opening. Who do abused children often dislike? Their mothers. Because the fathers say they are horrible, just like your husband has done. I’m sorry to say but. Get out now, or it might be too late. I’m currently leaving someone. I don’t “want” or feel ready to leave, but we have been trying for children - and lost 4, one to stillbirth - and I realise if we do have living children the effect on them of his constant moods and snappiness and always acting like I am annoying will be something they pick up on — or he will act like that towards them. And to your comment about he wouldn’t hit the children - it feels like they’re young? Abusive men can act very differently when it’s a young versus older kid. It’s about what he thinks is “being a good man” and what he doesn’t. He thinks he’s justified to act that way with you because HE THINKS (but you’re not) you’re incompetent/horrible. He doesn’t hit his small kids because HE THINKS that’s not what a good man does. But when he has a ten year old who gives him some lip, do you think he will think he’s justified to shove them in their bedroom, slam the door and not let them out? This is a story from my own childhood - some abusive men shove kids but not toddlers.

if, like me, you’re not ready, you’ve taken the first step by posting on here (so did i) and now you can make a list (somewhere he won’t find it ever) of things you need to do before you can leave - you don’t have to DECIDE to leave. Just do the list so that you are free to make the choice. Number 1 might be take kids to my parents. Get your legal documents to your parents. Take your precious memories out the house. Good luck.

I want to say a huge thank you for the replies and especially for the reality check regarding my children. You are all right. I work for the NHS and if someone disclosed that their partner was abusing them emotionally and had grabbed, pushed and sworn/shouted at them in front of their child, I would have to report to safeguarding (I think).

I have signed up today to Rightmove for housing alerts. Not one property at the moment.
I have also looked into UC and looked into my finances. I do have some things that need to be paid off ideally, as if I'm going to be a struggling single mum, i would like a little saved. I'll also need some saving for a deposit and to pay removal men etc. We currently rent together. He pays rent and I pay all the bills and buy all clothing etc for the kids. Rent is £1400 a month. I can't afford to stay here and my family are 2 hours away.

I'm meeting up tonight with my "partners" brother's wife. She's been my support since I found out he cheated and we have been meeting for dinner weekly. He hates that I've spoken with her but I needed someone, also she's a nurse and qualified counsellor.

Also to add that in the past I have spoken with Womens Aid, I've done the Freedom Programme and read the book "Why does he do that" plus another I can't remember.

I suppose I know it. I just need to act.