I've lost a lot of friendships this year

[SkylarkSusie]

Just that really.

This was the year I decided to not chase people who I was always making the running for to maintain friendships, also anyone where I felt there was toxicity, basically it was the year I let go.

I feel lighter at the end of the year but I do feel strange.

Anyone else in this position?

I'm getting close to this point
I'm so sick of chasing
But I'm scared about how lonely I will be
Especially as I'm recently single after 10 years 😳😳😳

Yes did this a few years ago. Felt in free fall for a bit but starting to build up much better friendships now. I don’t chase/look out for people so much. Working out how to have more mutual effort in relationships.

Yes, me too!!

Over the course of this year I've written off 4 long terms and 2 non-starters and I don't give a monkey's about any of them anymore. So freeing!

Yes completely freeing but also a bit scary!! Feeling slightly bereft. Although I think I had been fooling myself for a long time that casual friendships were more meaningful than they were, etc.

I'm working for myself at home now so have less situationship friendships if that makes sense and previous work friends have fallen away. Have some very old school friends but none or them close.

Have only one friend meet up planned in December this year. Quality over quantity for sure but it feels.... odd!!

Dream yes I know the fear you are feeling!! Time to spread the net wider again friendwise?

I write this I hear that this is what happens.. over time better friendships come. This is what I am hoping for!! Almost as though you have to make the space first.

Yea definitely - clear the space (and stop falling for the narcissistic people!) and good things will come.

That’s exactly right ….. all of the repeated, frustrating and futile time and effort put into chasing friendships that are “meh” - a shift in gears frees up time / energy / emotional capacity to let other connections develop into acquaintances and then into friendships over time.

We evolve into different people over time with clearer values and know how we want to spend your precious time……

We also become more discerning and selective - with better boundaries and expectations as we are clearer of our self worth. When we are younger and busier we tend to just run along with whoever happens to surround us at the time.

I did that. Ended up with no friends and then a handful of good, loyal, interesting ones by the end of a couple of years. Hold your nerve, but do keep getting out into the world and doing what you love, so you attract people who share your interests and values.

Thanks for posting this. I'm the same this year and it's making me anxious when I think about it but day to day I am happier. I have let a lot of toxicity and being treated badly out of my life. I guess it'll just take time to adjust and of course the people that benefitted the most from my lack of boundaries seem to think I've had some kind of mental breakdown that I no longer want to run around after them and listen to their nonsense.

Pinkjacket yes I have the same. Used to spend a lot of time counselling an aunt who has a very sick husband, she is his full time carer. I made a massive effort for her birthday this year and just after she aggressively asked me for money towards her charity run. A year ago I would have contributed but the way she did it was so rude i have quietly distanced myself. I think she thinks I'm unwell as out of contact!

Hi op yes I stopped it too. My wake up call was a cousin I met always flexible for her when she started back working no she was so busy for extras!! Im not being used again. I let another go as always me driving miles. Surprise surprise dont hear from them now.

Yes I've done this this last year. I only really have my bestie who I know I can really count on who I have known since I was 6 ( I'm 44 now.)

It was always me chasing and messaging first. My eyes have really been opened particularly since my son got diagnosed SEN.

What hurts most Is I've done so much for these people and people have other friends via me yet I'm the one who gets fk all and sidelined. over the years, for what? The quote " stop texting first and see how many dead plants you have been watering " is a real eye opener and so very true

Absolutely agree with you all. I stopped chasing 12 years ago. Narcissistic family set me up for failure really. Seemed to follow me into any relationship. My DH they wanted me to leave and never showed support for us. I chose him. Never looked back.

You soon realise how much time you wasted. The two old friends and I resumed contact this year and I was treated poorly again but this time I didn't accept it.

Best thing I've ever done is be better friends with myself. Life's too short.

You are not alone. I stopped texting this year. Now left with maybe 2 or 3 friends. I feel strange and a bit sad. Also dropped a couple of friends who had become v snappy and envious.

Similar here. Ive had 3 long term friendships end over the past few years. 2 were pretty upsetting at the time, but there was also a lot of relief if I'm honest. I hear you on the loneliness - I often feel like I don't have many genuine connections with people

However, my motto in this situation is 'shift your focus'. Move on from people who don't make you a priority and see who else is around. I've become friendly with someone at work and met her for lunch a few times. Had a lovely time too. She's also been very supportive via text about some difficult personal stuff. She's very wise and I feel she always has time for me so I'm grateful for her

And now a relatively new colleague who lives near me has suggested going for dinner and drinks in a few weeks, and I'm really looking forward to it! Honestly, there are always new people around if you keep your eyes open.

Lottapianos that's true, there are always good people out there and new adventures to have.

I've ordered myself / my family today a nice fortnum and Mason hamper for Christmas- first hamper ever - and I've asked for a fitbit from my husband. Point is, I want to mark this Christmas as a special one where we enjoy each other and this year I won't have to spend so much anyway on meaningless friendships and socialising with said friends so have invested in the hamper.

'Point is, I want to mark this Christmas as a special one where we enjoy each other and this year I won't have to spend so much anyway on meaningless friendships and socialising with said friends so have invested in the hamper.'

LOVE this! How great to know that you're not wasting all that money on people who very sadly don't value you

Thanks Lotta! Will take your advice and keep my eyes open in the new year for new potential friends.

Am planning a solo trip to Greece. Will enjoy not having to build the trip around anyone else's preferences.

I think Covid has thrown a spotlight on things like this hasn’t it

Lentil will that be your first solo trip? Sounds great.

Diyvery yes I think covid has extinguished the more casual friendships and killed off rapports we had with others. I think we all thought that things would get back to normal but they haven't really have they?

No. I have been traveling solo for years. Sometimes I take DH or a friend but this year I just want to go on my own because I have some niche interests which I want to pursue.