I've lost a lot of friendships this year

[SkylarkSusie]

Just that really.

This was the year I decided to not chase people who I was always making the running for to maintain friendships, also anyone where I felt there was toxicity, basically it was the year I let go.

I feel lighter at the end of the year but I do feel strange.

Anyone else in this position?

Same my daughter had new friends in secondary. So I dont see those mams now. Friendships can run their course. I realised with one I didnt want to always be doing the driving.. has to be both effort I think. Anyway dont miss chasing these people

Yes not nice to feel like you are the one chasing, friendship really must be a two-way street. Once you drop the rope, you will see who misses you and needs you in their life too. I do feel lighter and freer these days and I have space for a new really lovely friend or two when they next come along. Which I wouldn't have had a year ago.

Yep I'm in this position, it's sad and I miss elements of the friendships at times but I realise they were toxic and one sided and I put up with shitty friends in fear of having no friends. I feel lighter but also sad. It's a strange feeling.

VeronicaFranklin yes that sums up exactly how I have been feeling. This thread has made me see things differently though, that things are constantly changing and we have to change with the times and have new people coming into our lives to keep things fresh, people who will be better suited to who we are now, otherwise perhaps we are living in the past. I am going to choose to see the lightness as a gift now I think.
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Yup!

I never had a huge friend circle to begin with but the few friends I had, I felt I was always chasing them to meet up, buying them presents on birthdays etc and never got anything back.

One would criticise absolutely everything I did, and completely changed once she got married

Another would only speak to me if she needed something

One got married, moved away and couldn't be bothered to stay in touch

I was just always disappointed so got rid and it was the best thing I did

I am now single and decided to quietly quit two friendships.
All they did was meet me to bitch about their husbands but did not hear from them when all going well with their husbands. I thought it was so selfish off loading all that on someone that lives one.
Another two disappeared once I called out inappropriate behaviour.
I think we need to look after ourselves and that includes spring cleaning friends that just use us.

Great thread. Yes not nice being used. Think my friend was happy me chasing never had put in effort. I do alot on my own but that can get lonely. Hoping do xmas drink/coffee with walk group.

Doesn't that show how shallow and lazy those people who you thought were good friends really are?

I agree. Also I have now decided to shut down any CF behaviour on first "offence" as it just carries on otherwise.

When we were kids, sometimes we'd make friends whilst on holiday with our parents. Our mum called these "little-while friends" - as in we were just friends for that little while & that was fine.

Maybe the Mums at the school gates that some people are mentioning. are a bit like that & that is ok? No need to get offended. Things change 🤷🏻‍♀️

CantSleep little-while friends is a really good way to express it! I feel we can still get attached to people emotionally sometimes which can be painful when it comes to an end or sometimes you think a friendship is for life and then it transpires to be a little-while friendship and that can be painful. But yes I have come to the realisation that most friendships you make will be little-while ones!

Following

Can I ask though have you tried to make a little effort to ensure it is two way or just decided to sit and wait for friends to chase you? As if two friends do this your both waiting for each other?

I have a friend who decided that we should all chase her all the time, took ages to commit to suggested meet up resulting in us having to chase, and she wanted us to go out of our way to make her feel special but hasn't returned being there for her friends, hasnt suggested meeting up and then got upset that the group stopped making the effort citing similar to you in that she decided she isnt going to chase friendships anymore when ironically she was the one coming across rude and careless. As a result the group is now closer without her anymore. I suspect she thinks that we should have tried more to make her feel special but it goes both ways and I just realised she is quite self centred and expected it all her way.

Another manic in my case yes I have tried several times with a few but then instead of continuing to try I have dropped the rope and it hasn't been picked up. I think the friends I am thinking of specifically have more friends than I do so haven't missed me and haven't tried when I stopped trying which has let me know I should stop if that makes sense.

Don't think I'm special but only want to invest in two way friendships going forwards.

No that makes sense and is how I felt witb this friend. She got a new partner and became part of his friendship group (which of course is lovely) but then because we didn't fit perfectly into her life anymore with her new partner she in her head thinks we were the bad ones who made no effort. It was interesting when we spoke eventually about it. Things she was upset about are not things that would bother me e.g. she was upset because I didn't organise something for her birthday. Whereas I was upset that when I had miscarriage she was too busy to be there for me. I personally couldn't care if a friend didn't plan something for my birthday (I think you should organise your own dinner if you want to celebrate) but friends that are there for you when it matters is what counts.

I am still working through my emotions with friendships as I put alot of value on friendships but I've realised as you said to just focus on the ones that do make the effort and it isn't a challenge or chasing all the time rather than dwell on the other ones.

I hope you continue to find better friends :)

Another man yes I always did the chasing. It got disheartening. So I stopped. I thought what am I getting out this. If someone has small kids Im flexible but really has be joint efforts.. havent heard from her

Another manic I've always put a lot of store in friendships too and it is upsetting, which is why I started the thread. However I don't want to force friendships if they have run dry or guilt people into carrying on seeing me. There is one particular deeper friendship that I am very sad about drifting and another more casual that I am less sad about drifting but I wrote the OP as I feel now I am working from home previous situational friendships have drifted and the big picture hurts but think it's a sign I need to try to make new ones as the person I am now. Be grateful for the friendships in the past but have more belief I can find deep friendships in the future, if that makes sense.

My situational friendships have also fizzled out as I now WFH and DC are grown, so no schoolgate friendships. DH is working today, and tbh I just wish I had someone to go out for brunch with like the Sex in the City girls! I have joined a few social groups but I wouldn't call them friends yet. Late 40s and 50s are a lonely time I think. Everybody has just drifted away. I spend way too much time on social media because of this.

Lentil mumsnet seems like a substitute friend lols! Someone you can turn to day or night!! And someone who won't ignore your text messages :) but then also if we put our efforts into mumsnet we are not putting efforts into making real friends, I don't know!!

I find it so difficult. I'm autistic and I get so attached to people and it really hurts at times. But this year I've really distanced to protect myself as I've been doing all the chasing. I'm now quite happy being quite solitary and having my bestie who really understands me. I'm scared of being hurt again so haven't tried to form more friendships. Id love another couple of friends who really get me but I need to network to make this happen and it's not in me anymore xx hope you are all ok

Kittycatkitty I understand how you feel. I suppose it depends whether you are looking to socialise generally, which we can all do by joining clubs or volunteering etc, or looking to actually make new friendships. The trouble with friendships is that they can mean so much to us and come with expectations which can be dashed. I don't want to close the door on new friendships but I have spent most of this year feeling solitary too, so I guess am comfortable with that now anyway. But feel I need to get out there more anyway next year for my mental health!

I just want to say 😭😭😭 I am having a shit day with (mostly) shit friends and a shit boyfriend. So you're not alone.

Wednesdays sorry to hear that. There do seem to be so many in our shoes, sadly.

Do you think all our " shit" friends have a thread where they complain about us?:) Tbh my friends weren't shit, just flaky.

Btw, this morning I moaned about not having anyone to go with for an occasional weekend brunch. This afternoon I went on Meetup and signed up for a brunch cum book club near me. Sorted! 💃