I've lost a lot of friendships this year

[SkylarkSusie]

Just that really.

This was the year I decided to not chase people who I was always making the running for to maintain friendships, also anyone where I felt there was toxicity, basically it was the year I let go.

I feel lighter at the end of the year but I do feel strange.

Anyone else in this position?

'Last week I lost a friend when I dared question her behaviour'

I've had this too. I was extremely supportive and always a listening ear through her shit, but during my shit I got shrugs and a load of cliches. I called her out on it, and a few weeks later I got a message saying that she couldn't be friends with me any more as everything had become too stressful and negative and it wasn't good for her 🙄 oh ok, I see how that friendship was supposed to work. No thanks. Felt very shocked and hurt but also relieved deep down

I never call out anyone or have drama really; we just drift apart.

Lately, I have also been noticing that if I "overshare", like tell friends a bit too much about my problems/marriage/kids, they may turn around and use it against me later rather than simply listening or empathising. Like if I say "God, am sick of DH's super stressful job." they will say ' But didn't you say 6 months ago that he was looking for a new one? Why haven't you solved that problem yet?". Or if I say " DD is driving me nuts", they will say " But why arent you doing A, B or C?" Even if some of those options aren't really available. Makes me feel a bit judged. I don't know if anybody else feels this. I am now wary of sharing too much.

I also think post pandemic, everything has become a competition about who has the hardest life.

Lentil I know what you mean, you can feel judged by old friends when sharing if things aren't 100% perfect which they can't be all the time. I think I did that and that is one of the reasons a friend I really cared about drifted, that and the fact we moved 20 miles away. It's sad but to me sharing problems or getting things off your chest is a part of a decent friendship, as are the fun parts and I know I was there for my friends through countless stressful situations too.

I think maybe people aren't coping so well and are less tolerant of deeper friendships but I am not that shallow a person so deep is what I know!! I don't think I've met my tribe yet tbh.

I have certainly stopped over sharing, especially with certain people. I have 2 friends I can really be 'raw' with, I value them highly, but that's it, everyone else gets a 'version' of me. I've had all the judging I can take..

Following

Breaking it's sad we feel we need to water ourselves down to keep friendships.

I don't think I have expressed what I meant to say very well, but I think you have grasped the essence of it. People have compassion fatigue after the pandemic and are only interested in cheery conversation or in problems that can be solved easily. I get it, I do. I too have compassion fatigue sometimes. So am trying to keep convos light and not reveal my struggles. @Breakingpoint1961 a version of me is exactly right. I do overshare with my sister but sadly she is in another country so I rarely see her.

I let go of my old school group after friends of friends within that group thought they could treat me badly. It felt very freeing to just say I’m not doing this anymore. My focus now is on two very close long term mates who aren’t part of this wider toxic group where bullying is called banter.

I also think it’s hates when you’re dealing with friends who although articulate avoid confrontation at all costs. So I’m the past sa aid friend has had extremely drawn out issues with 2 previous bosses and colleagues, never ever telling them what the issues were, but one issue ultimately leading to her taking time off work, being on meds for a period of time and having therapy through work. Sadly once the free therapy ended she chose not to continue it but interestingly she said the therapist said to her everyone is either a Hero or Villain in my friend’s eyes.
So you couple that with someone who avoids confrontation and yet get the receiving end of minimal contact, only when I initiate it, and everything has the answer that all is fine. But it’s hurtful and confusing.

@Lentilweaver I think we all understand what you are saying. I look around me and see people who behave badly, treat people badly, yet still appear to be popular, I say 'appear' because there is something in it for those that accept the poor treatment.

We all want someone who treats us fairly, has our back, and genuinely likes us even when, at times, are not very likeable. Doesn't sound much to ask for does it, but it's like the holy grail..

I find groups of (dare I say it) women can become very competitive, I don't have a competitive bone in my body, and struggle to find why you would want to compete in a friendship.

I'm mature (older) and so been there and done that, but I've found that certain mentality continues throughout the ages, the cliques, the bullying etc..
Be yourself no matter what..the saying goes "those who matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter" never a truer word was said..

You def see competitive mams when your kid in a sport! Im in touch with girl from school said had v few friends. Too much drama with it. But its hard. Im sick of being let down now so just do stuff myself. Just easier.

Breaking yes I agree re friendship groups, I've avoided these in recent years eg school mums but then also this means you end up with one to one friendships which maybe come with more expectations, the stakes are higher etc and it is harder to cope with when they drift. It's funny I've woken up today feeling in two minds about this as on one hand would like to see who might be out there for new friendships and on the other feel that I'm not going to find what I want based on recent experience so am not sure whether to bother!

I read somewhere that friendships can be like pairs of shoes. If you feel they don't fit anymore don't wear them. I let a few friends go and it was the best thing I did because it opened the gates for new and more genuine people to enter. Joining some sort of activity group is a great place to meet people as you are sharing a joint activity,

Susie agree a hobbie or activity is good. Its def disheartening this lack of friends. Alot us feel the same.. Im in a walking group.

These people can’t be replaced immediately, takes time to nurture a good friendship. Shame people aren’t more open, it’s confusing getting dumped as a friend!

I’ve done this too. Stepped away from a group of toxic mums at school plus I’ve stopped chasing friendships for example inviting other couples (and their kids) to ours for dinner etc. I thought I’d wait to see how long it takes them to invite us to theirs instead…. Guess what, still waiting!!!! Sick of spending all my money on food/drink for ungrateful people & cleaning up after their kids.

The result is I now have very few social engagements ☹️ But I’m hoping to things will pick up next year.

How did you attract new friends?

Know what you mean bluefrog. Only thing is when I stop messages they did too.. so it fizzles. Anyway I joined new things which helps. Its really draining being the one always chasing people.