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Original poster

I've lost a lot of friendships this year

119 replies

SkylarkSusie · 11/11/2022 14:10

Just that really.

This was the year I decided to not chase people who I was always making the running for to maintain friendships, also anyone where I felt there was toxicity, basically it was the year I let go.

I feel lighter at the end of the year but I do feel strange.

Anyone else in this position?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 12/11/2022 17:52

Hope u ok Wednesdays. I got very down about this a while ago. Only I can change it. I def find a hobby helps one meets me for coffee thru our walking. I dont want be used again though as found that was happening dates on hold then they cancel

Original poster
SkylarkSusie · 12/11/2022 17:52

Well done Lentil! I will follow your lead with meet up. I don't know about another thread, maybe! I think I'm slow to move on so they would probably moan about me for that, at least....

OP posts:
mamaoftw · 12/11/2022 17:58

I'm so glad I've read this. I have lost two friends in the past week. I was fed up of watering dead plants. I put so much time and effort in and I reached my breaking point. They said the right stuff but the actions never backed it up.
After I said I'm focusing on my family. I felt peace. Something that I haven't felt in a long time.

Wiccan · 12/11/2022 18:15

I felt very used in my past friendships it was always me stepping forward . I have always been comfortable with my own company and have hobbies which I love . I see my DH as my best friend as I am to him . We have also recently had to walk away from a family member to safe guard our own mental health . It does make me feel very sad at times but I remind myself why I'm walking away from these types of relationships . I would rather be alone than surrounded by people who make me feel like shit and harm my self esteem.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:19

It took me 15 years to recognise someone was a dead plant and I only wish I'd done it earlier, tbh.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:24

@SkylarkSusie

I also have a different friendship I feel badly burned by. I did nothing but support this person, and since I moved back into the area, she has treated me like a leper, and has been very rude in public, making a dramatic show of avoiding me.

There's clearly some sort of fault but she hasn't been adult enough to explain it.

Wiccan · 12/11/2022 18:31

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:24

@SkylarkSusie

I also have a different friendship I feel badly burned by. I did nothing but support this person, and since I moved back into the area, she has treated me like a leper, and has been very rude in public, making a dramatic show of avoiding me.

There's clearly some sort of fault but she hasn't been adult enough to explain it.

It is astounding when you take a step back how quickly they start to attack and turn on you , it really says a lot about how little you meant to that person .

Original poster
SkylarkSusie · 12/11/2022 18:34

Eine that sounds very difficult. I wonder whether people have a much shorter attention span for others these days and sort of get bored quicker so look for small reasons to leave a friendship behind? Or maybe someone has been making stuff up about you behind your back... either way let them get on with it, they sound abusive.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:40

it really says a lot about how little you meant to that person

That's the part, isn't it @Wiccan ?

Genuinely, with this person, there were times we were there for them in the middle of the night.

Any favour they ever asked of me they never needed to ask twice.

Truthfully, I do think the reason is that she was quite unhappy, and to make herself feel happier, I had been cast in a certain role "jealous, and wants what I've got" and when I very accidentally punctured that delusion, in the middle of a conversation.... the end was nigh.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:48

I don't know @SkylarkSusie

In part, I think, she "reinvented herself" and no longer wanted people around who had knowledge of stuff she wanted to move on from. But, frustratingly, had she said to me :

Look, Eine, I want to be New Me, so I'd prefer if aspects of Past Me could be shelved and not spoken of; again she wouldn't have needed to ask twice.

janie85 · 12/11/2022 18:48

I have a friend who's recently binned me off because she was asking me to meet up weekly and if I was busy she got stroppy with me. I have to say I think I've been unfairly binned off because I would've still liked to see her, just not every week or 2 maybe more once a month kind of thing.

Do you think maybe your idea of how often you meet with friends is just a bit more than your friends' and they've not done much wrong?

Original poster
SkylarkSusie · 12/11/2022 18:52

Janie85 no not at all, one every 3 or 4 months would have suited me fine... any longer than that and I think unless there is a good reason for mot meeting up I think you slip from the best friend / very good friend category just because you should want to meet up if you are very close friends. That's my take on it, anyway. I don't think I was too demanding.

OP posts:
Wiccan · 12/11/2022 19:06

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/11/2022 18:40

it really says a lot about how little you meant to that person

That's the part, isn't it @Wiccan ?

Genuinely, with this person, there were times we were there for them in the middle of the night.

Any favour they ever asked of me they never needed to ask twice.

Truthfully, I do think the reason is that she was quite unhappy, and to make herself feel happier, I had been cast in a certain role "jealous, and wants what I've got" and when I very accidentally punctured that delusion, in the middle of a conversation.... the end was nigh.

I know what you mean , you are really there for them but nothing in return .it's exhausting.

BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:15

I have lost friends this year. It's because I've stopped just agreeing with people and pleasing them.

I stood up for my daughter over something with a mum friend months ago. She's not speaking to me and the gaggle of other mum friends are gathering round her and also no longer speak to me. I started a new friendship with another mum and they are target to g her now and trying to get her to join them. I give up.

I also have a friend of 20+ years who rarely contacts me or arranges anything. When I do it all she's very happy to meet up but I'm sick of always doing it. I often wonder if I never bothered would we see each other.

newspecs · 12/11/2022 19:18

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 11/11/2022 14:56

Yea definitely - clear the space (and stop falling for the narcissistic people!) and good things will come.

i just saw this haven't read everything yet but i think this is exactly what i do!
I'm always friends with people who just are interested in themselves.
i always think i'm lazy that they do al the talking etc and i let them.
going to read the rest now

Mary46 · 12/11/2022 19:24

Bloodyshoes same unless I do all the chasing.. I remember meeting a family relation always great to see her. Then once she got back working nothing.. busy busy. Posted me back dvds I had loaned out. Lesson learnt do not chase people

thefinaltwist · 12/11/2022 19:29

I've realised the same recently. If I don't message or make plans with people I don't hear from them. It actually really hurts! One friend is always busy when I ask to meet up or she is free but only for 45minutes in between doing other things. She always says she's free and then when I message nearer the time to arrange things shes suddenly got things on. Feeling a bit shit about it all 🙁

Blondewithredlips · 12/11/2022 19:33

Last week I lost a friend when I dared question her behaviour. It is always about fitting me in and she is always more important.
We were due to meet but with 5 minutes notice she brought the meeting time forward by 30 minutes. As I was not ready she drove off. I was furious as she just texted we can make it another time when I had gone out of my way to fit in with her plans. She has not replied to me when I said plans like this do not work for me.....

Yutes · 12/11/2022 19:33

I too, have been watering dead plants.
Was always one of the first to message, to organise.

I suppose they did message a few times after and I wasn’t very forthcoming but I didn’t have the energy to open up conversation for them to drive it to
all about them, as it always was.

I was thinking about reconnecting but I don’t know what’s driving that. I think maybe that I got engaged and i would have liked to invite some more people. That’s not really a good enough reason. Haloween Sad

Wiccan · 12/11/2022 19:33

BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:15

I have lost friends this year. It's because I've stopped just agreeing with people and pleasing them.

I stood up for my daughter over something with a mum friend months ago. She's not speaking to me and the gaggle of other mum friends are gathering round her and also no longer speak to me. I started a new friendship with another mum and they are target to g her now and trying to get her to join them. I give up.

I also have a friend of 20+ years who rarely contacts me or arranges anything. When I do it all she's very happy to meet up but I'm sick of always doing it. I often wonder if I never bothered would we see each other.

I went through something very similar, i felt so isolated. These are adult women and they bully it's so horrible .

BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:35

@Wiccan Did it ever end? I feel this one won't. It's starting to effect my DD as they are now excluding her. It's just nasty.

Wiccan · 12/11/2022 19:41

BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:35

@Wiccan Did it ever end? I feel this one won't. It's starting to effect my DD as they are now excluding her. It's just nasty.

Oh that's terrible . It's like these women hand their hate down to their kids so they can get at you through your kids. Yes it does end . Be strong , they only continue if they know it's affecting you . 💐

Peachslice · 12/11/2022 20:38

I’m very much in a similar boat, perhaps I’m getting strange comfort knowing it’s not just me.
As the late Queen once said it’s been annus horribilis. Split with partner at start of year, no concrete proof but suspect the friend he fancied was in contact with him, most friends said I’m sure I was wrong, spent time with counselling where therapist said frankly yeah sounds like they had been contact between them. So lost her and a mutual friend from that.
Another v close friend has been acting distant the last few years, giving me just enough to hang on in there, but me making all the effort. Now another mutual friend it looks like has grown very close to her, and started to be distant with me.
Another good friend has just had twins, so has extremely limited time understandably for friends.
My mum and dad died years ago, I have one sister who whilst I love I believe has narcissistic tendencies with me, and I’m frightened to ever disagree with her. She is going on holiday for Christmas with her family and seems to be out every weekend.

Where did it all go wrong, can’t wait for Christmas, not!
Takes time to build good friends in the meantime it’s going to be very lonely.

Original poster
SkylarkSusie · 12/11/2022 21:11

Peachslice I'm sorry you are going through all of that. Maybe we can look back at the pandemic as a great reset in terms of friendships. People either decided not to make as many social arrangements afterwards or decided they wanted different friends, or both? Writing it out has helped me with my anxiety with all of this. I'm definitely going to put my best foot forward in the new year.

OP posts:
Breakingpoint1961 · 12/11/2022 21:46

I too am not bothering anymore. I am a giver, and I always seem to find the takers, so I'm getting used to the few, genuine friends I have, and shan't bother with the rest. It's got me down over the years, really affected my self esteem, so I won't allow that anymore.

I don't get people full stopConfused