My husband says to use him and it doesn't matter that I don't love him

[IfOnlyLifeCameWithAManual]

Our marriage hasn't been the best over the last five years. For three years after our dd5 was born there was no intimacy, and now it infrequent. There's been arguing on and off over the years that hit a peak in March where he punched a wall.

Since then my husband and I have both reined in our arguing and we've attended marriage counselling. I can see he's trying his hardest and I like to think I am too, following the advice of the counsellor in terms of date nights, focussing on why we got together etc. The marriage counsellor kept saying in each session that my husband loved me and worshipped the ground I walk on and I need to value his worth. That my inability to be sure about staying married was causing him anxiety which was coming out at anger. I ended up ending the counselling because it just kept making me feel frustrated and upset.

I just don't love him. And I'm filled with dread when I imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I didn't feel this way 11 years ago when we married.

My husband says we can get it back. I've told him I'm not in love with him. I suggested we nest and coparent to reduce the impact of splitting on the children. But my husband says we can get it back, we can fall in love again and he doesn't care if I use him in the meantime as a partner. He also pointed out,and as I keep reading on forums here, the impact of divorce would be massive for our children and I can't support them on my own as I'm a sahm with, I'm rapidly finding out, few job prospects. I will miss my children massively if we split, every birthday and Christmas. I can't imagine telling them were splitting. I know they won't have as good a quality of life if we split.

Can we get it back? Do I just keep on holding out and doing the date nights/flicking through photo albums? I've tried the saying something to be grateful for him each day.

I don't think his suggestion is actually terrible.
If you can put up with him it gives your kids a steady base and you keep your home.
Obviously if you can't put up living with him then it's a no go.
Does he still expect sex?

If you did love him then and don't now what changed?

I do think it’s terrible. It’d also incredibly selfish. You can have a happy life with a full filling relationship with a man you love and fancy, you don’t need to martyr yourself on the alter of your kids

so you need to work out the finances, how much is the joint pot worth , equity savings, pensions etc, how much child maintenance are you entitled to, what benefits. And yes you will ultimately need to work and get back to being financially active. It’s daunting but doable.

I was wondering what changed?
Also, what happened with you as a child and what were your parents like?

Is he cruel? Coercive? Passive aggressive? Negative? Disgusting in habits? Lazy?

I suppose some people can fall back in love, but for me when I fell out of love with my ex husband there was no going back for several reasons, also I didn’t want my children picking up on a atmosphere, they were very young 4 and 2, I chose to make a new life. And I didn’t think it was fair on my husband he also said stay for sake of the children and also he still loved me, you say you are filled with dread at the thought of staying with him, you have your whole life ahead of you, that’s no life for any of you if the love is one sided

Work out how to split up in the way that's best for your kids, and then do that. Don't stay together for them; your job is to give them an example. Do you want to give them the example that adult relationships look like that of your husband and yourself? They will replicate it. Do you want this relationship for them, in 20 years?

He says you can get it back... but who does he think he is? The final arbiter? You're on a forum asking if you can get it back, so I suspect you disagree, and they're your feelings, not his, so he doesn't get a say in them.

I'd be interested, as Scrolling just asked, in what happened when you were little. Were your parents loving and respectful towards each other? Towards you? If you think you need to put up with something you don't want to, you've been conditioned to minimise your needs, somewhere along the line...

Hmm. I think once you're at that point, no amount of flicking through old photos will help.

Is there a particular reason you don't love him anymore? If it's nothing in particular then he has to accept these things happen, feelings change. It's hard but it's life.

Nesting sounds bloody awful. Like a kind of limbo halfway house. Either split or don't. In your shoes, feeling the way you do, I'd owe it to myself to leave the relationship. The kids will adjust. You exist too.

Your H is trying to hang on in there hoping it will change things. Eventually he will become resentful, no one wants to be "used" . It will become toxic. Best to split and do it kindly but firnly.

Option three of staying together but apart really isn’t available to you if your H wants to work on the marriage. So either actively work on your relationship.

Hiding in an unsatisfactory relationship is in no one’s best interest, least of all your child’s. What is your long time plan? Hoping for the best is not a plan. Your relationship has a very good chance of turning toxic again.

It is time you start working towards financial independence.

Some of these replies are a bit weird. People fall out of love and nobody is obligated to 'try get it back' just because the other person wishes it and it doesn't always have to be rooted in ruddy childhood

This is a how and when it ends Not an if.

What does splitting up like. Start there. Getting a job is pretty high up on the plan though.

Hang on, wait - what?

"That my inability to be sure about staying married was causing him anxiety which was coming out at anger." The counsellor actually said this to you???

Bloody hell, that counsellor was basically blaming you for causing your husband's aggression, and that you needed to change your ways! The counsellor told you that his anger was your fault? Quite frankly I'm appalled - it is totally unacceptable for any counsellor to say that.

I'm assuming that this was in joint counselling sessions, was it? You need to find a different counsellor and go alone this time.

Thank you everyone for replying with your perspective because I feel like I've lost mine.

Sorry, I realise I'm about to drip feed.

I guess I found it hard for the three years after our daughter was born that he didn't want to have sex with me. I think he has a low sex drive but he did use porn a couple of times during those years and that hurt a bit. He also once told me that he found my increased weight after ds7 was born off putting although has said since then that that's not an issue. I've gone from a size 10/12 to size 12/14.

The arguments were hard and scary. He once smashed my phone. He once punched a wall. But I equally have shouted back and once threw a computer mouse. I've spoken to an abuse charity and it's not abuse as it's two sided. And we've both out a lot of work into managing our anger. When I can see him getting tense I do start to feel scared but I think that's my own mental state rather than anything he's doing as he's just being tense.

I did meet someone else in the last year. In fact two other people, a married couple I've been friends with for ten years. It's complicated but we've all admitted feelings for each other but I refuse to make a decision based on that because, well that's ignoring the core issue, that I can't seem to fall in love with my husband. And, in all honesty, I love them and I'm so scared of negatively impacting their marriage, my kids' lives and their kids' lives. They did back in April, or at least my female friend did, paint this fantasy of us living together and supporting each other and I stupidly grasped at that. But in reality it's a fantasy I didn't want to pin anyone's futures on. But, yes, that changed too.

My husband has had depression for many years I've supported him through that. When he couldn't get to work or got stressed at the kids and needed space, I've tried to accommodate all that. A year ago I gave up supporting him, which I don't feel great about. I guess I got to the end of my tether but I'm scared that just shows I don't love him.

He doesn't expect sex but I think he's really not fussed by it. We've been forcing it a bit because the marriage counsellor suggested it. But no expectations from him.

I have looked at benefits and child maintenance and it's daunting to say the least. My kids will be massively negatively impacted. And I will miss them so much if I only see them 50:50. I don't know what living between two households will do to them but I'm guessing it's not good.

I keep applying for jobs and not even getting interviews. I signed up for a training course last week but it's at least 9 months before I can get an apprenticeship and even that will be at minimal wage.

I guess I'm hoping we can fake it until we make it and then the kids will see a healthy relationship dynamic. But I don't know if that's a realistic expectation.

It took a few sessions to get to that conclusion. But yes. I make him feel insecure and that leads to anger.

I agree that counsellor was way out of line - particularly with anger that led to punching the wall. I don't see that as worshipping the ground you walk on!

My dad died when I was five. My mum remarried 18 months later. We ended up in some family therapy because I was a badly behaved child. My behaviour has since been used as an excuse for one my stepdad affairs and he did once tell me that my bad behaviour had given my dad his fatal heart attack. But other than that, it was a pretty standard upbringing. I guess I was always the black sheep child, but I was a bit quiet and argumentative.

My husband can be quick to anger but is wiring on that. He's not lazy, cruel, coercive or disgusting. He can be negative, very negative actually, but he has depression and low self esteem.

No, that doesn't quite match up, I agree. I had just told him I wanted a divorce. After promising two months previously that I'd try at marriage counselling. He was feeling frustrated/let down/lied too.

I've spoken to an abuse charity and it's not abuse as it's two sided

What?! So if two people beat hell out of each other, it's not each abusing the other, it's 'not abuse'?

I make him feel insecure and that leads to anger

So it's your fault he's angry?

OP, you need better advisers.

@gamerchick

Nobody has suggested it's 'always rooted in ruddy childhood', but this kind of thing often is, so it's worth asking OP, even if you don't think it is.

Just read about your family therapy where you felt you were to blame for the family’s problems because you were difficult. Fuck that. No it wasn’t your fault. You were a child and should have been helped and managed by the adults around you. The more you post the more I say my god please leave your husband

For fuck sake, leave him. Bloody horrible situation to be stuck in.

OK, being the black sheep, and your behaviour being used as an excuse for a parental affair isn't a standard upbringing. That's where you learned that living successfully in a family meant minimising your feelings for a calmer 'big picture', which is what you're doing now.

Agree 100% with this.

No need to read the whole thread.
OP, file for divorce. It’s time.

Whoah if you understood the therapist correctly im shocked.

I'd make a decision to end it. It's not good enough for you to be certain it's right so you must end it on that basis.

Can I ask why you think I should leave? He's been trying to hard with his anger and low mood. Or is it that I can't get it back. I want to feel like I tried and didn't give up but I don't know if that's foolish.

Your counsellor advised you to 'force sex' and stay with man who punches walls, who you say you don't love ?
What now?

Do you live in Gilead?

I'm really, really scared about the impact of divorce on the kids. Financially and emotionally. I don't think I can do it alone, either.