My husband says to use him and it doesn't matter that I don't love him

[IfOnlyLifeCameWithAManual]

Our marriage hasn't been the best over the last five years. For three years after our dd5 was born there was no intimacy, and now it infrequent. There's been arguing on and off over the years that hit a peak in March where he punched a wall.

Since then my husband and I have both reined in our arguing and we've attended marriage counselling. I can see he's trying his hardest and I like to think I am too, following the advice of the counsellor in terms of date nights, focussing on why we got together etc. The marriage counsellor kept saying in each session that my husband loved me and worshipped the ground I walk on and I need to value his worth. That my inability to be sure about staying married was causing him anxiety which was coming out at anger. I ended up ending the counselling because it just kept making me feel frustrated and upset.

I just don't love him. And I'm filled with dread when I imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I didn't feel this way 11 years ago when we married.

My husband says we can get it back. I've told him I'm not in love with him. I suggested we nest and coparent to reduce the impact of splitting on the children. But my husband says we can get it back, we can fall in love again and he doesn't care if I use him in the meantime as a partner. He also pointed out,and as I keep reading on forums here, the impact of divorce would be massive for our children and I can't support them on my own as I'm a sahm with, I'm rapidly finding out, few job prospects. I will miss my children massively if we split, every birthday and Christmas. I can't imagine telling them were splitting. I know they won't have as good a quality of life if we split.

Can we get it back? Do I just keep on holding out and doing the date nights/flicking through photo albums? I've tried the saying something to be grateful for him each day.

I'm not sure how to reply to these two different sets of messages.

Yes, I'm aware my husband could have divorced me a year ago when the polyamory question came up. And that he can leave me at any point now really. All I have to go on is that he says he loves me and he doesn't want us to break up. I guess I should take from that that I'm very lucky to have him.

The should thing... I don't know. I'm the only one making everyone unhappy here - kids, husband, other couple - if I got my act together and learnt to be happy with what I've got, then I guess everyone can just happily get on with enjoying their lives. So I should just do that. I guess that's the should.

My friend (from the couple) has argued numerous times that I should just leave and I'm choosing to be unhappy. But when faced with the reality of unhappy, messed about children in a financially less secure future, and the fact I'm not sure they'd get the happier single mum I keep being told I'll be, but instead the alone, sad, crying, panicking single mum... I just can't do it. I feel like it's walking from a not enjoying it situation for me to a now I'm miserable and struggling and my kids are miserable too situation. The grass isn't always greener. Life isn't that bad, I'm just not in a loving relationship. But, as my husband points out that might change.

I just have this guilt that by staying I'm using my husband. But he says he's ok with that. So why can't I shake the guilt? And the feeling that I'm making the wrong choice?

Maybe because you know deep down that life isn't meant to be easy. It's about learning and growing.

Yes, I'm aware my husband could have divorced me a year ago when the polyamory question came up. And that he can leave me at any point now really. All I have to go on is that he says he loves me and he doesn't want us to break up. I guess I should take from that that I'm very lucky to have him.

how much is that in relation to his not wanting to not have his children living with him or expecting him to leave the family home, as a SAHM would you be expecting to remain so and claim spousal maintenance?

I think YOU need therapy to sort out your own head first, as you don't seem to know what you want. Until then, I doubt that marriage counselling will help.

It's meant to be easy for your kids though. I'm sorry but I also don't see how any of this is about learning and growing. Unless it's learning to grow up and realise marriages need work. In the case, fair point.

Very true. I'm waiting on a recommendation of a counsellor from a friend and I'll go from there.

He says he loves me. I guess I have to believe that.

I don't think it works like that. If we split we'd have to sell the family home and split the assets. He'll happily get another mortgage with the equity and his monthly earnings. I won't as I have no regular income but I guess I'd use the equity for rent until it runs out/I can get a job. As I understand it, if we split one of us gets maintenance from the other based on who has the kids more.

You sound quite hard on yourself OP, and sorry, I didn't mean to be cryptic!

All I mean is that it seems to me that the more we try to avoid pain in life, the more it backfires on us. I've come to believe that all we can really do is try to live our own truth and keep our fingers crossed that things will be OK in the end.

Even this is easier said than done, though, since actually locating our own truth can be the journey of a lifetime!

I hate to say this, but I suspect that the options you currently think are "easy for the kids" are probably not doing them much good.

He sounds emotionally manipulative and couples counselling can be terrible for men like that as they are so good at convincing people that they are lovely people who love you.

still, I’m totally shocked that your counsellor would suggest ANGER is “coming from anxiety because you don’t show him you love him enough”. They should have said “no one has a right to shout at you or verbally abuse you, is this what’s happening?” Jeez I mean I don’t think anger is an appropriate reaction at all to someone not loving you.

and him telling you to use him is probably because he is all too familiar with using you.

free yourself OP. It is totally bogus that children do worse from divorce. Modern studies all show that. And his behaviour is 100% bad for kids.

OP, that abuse charity is totally wrong. It IS one sided, and he is intentionally driving you to action. Listen. Please please please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. You can read my thread if you like — I’m in a bad relationship and going to get out of it. My mind is a total fog but mumsnetters really helped me and I reread the comments all the time to find the strength. I read the book and highlighted everything that was HIM to find the strength. I think you would be very interested in the chapters about the effect on kids of living with someone like this.

The thing that's struck me about this thread is the number of people in your life telling you what to do! You've got your DH and the Useless Marriage Counsellor telling you to try harder to make it work. You've got your "friend" from the EA Triad telling you to leave. You've got the voice in your head telling you a whole list of things you "should" be doing.
Plus there seems to be a sense of urgency about all this - it's unclear where that's coming from? It doesn't sound like it's DH? If you can identify that, it may help.

Take your time, get some individual counselling, there is a huge amount to unpick here to figure out your own thoughts. I expect that will take a lot longer than you anticipate. And you don't need to decide anything while that happens.

Cut the EA couple out, this now can't exist as a friendship in future, their continued presence in all this is not helping you in the slightest.

Hi OP. I also had a parent die when I was young and the way it was handled left me with strange ideas of my own responsibility.

I took the plunge a year ago and left my own bad marriage, with the idea that actually all of life had been pretty tough and I deserved to be my best self, to be happy with the kids. They needed me to be ok. Also I discovered that love is very important to me. Love and the possibilities for joy, which weren’t there with my perpetually unhappy and depressed husband.

My divorce isn’t finalised yet but it has been so much better than I expected.

If I were you I would decide right here and now that this isn’t enough for you. Promise yourself that you don’t have to spend the rest of your life like this. You can be happy.

The strategy, however, has to be different. Start thinking now about jobs or courses you’d like to take. Put a time limit on it— a year, perhaps. Read what you can about relationships and the impact of early years loss (in your life). Use family money to pay for therapy for you alone. None of this with an aim to strengthen the marriage, which we know to be dead, but to strengthen yourself.

Courage! I believe you can do it.

Your counsellor was the opposite of helpful. It's their job to help you explore your emotions, not tell you how you should feel!!

I think you should split up. You deserve to be happy too. If you don't love your h any more, you don't love him. Doesn't sound like you're going to fall back in love with him again.

Thank you for the responses. I've had a few days to think about it and the more I do the more I've realised my husband is a good guy. He's stable and he's stuck by me through all ky

Thank you for all your responses. I've taken a few days to think about it and come to the conclusion, my husband is a good guy. He's stuck by me through a lots of crappy behaviour on my part and all my doubts. I would love to have the courage to be a single mum but in all reality I would suck at it as my mental health isn't great and I have a massive phobia of being alone. My kids need another adult there when I'm not performing well as a mum. I've had so many people walk in and out if my life as though it's got a revolving door and never stand by me when stuff is tough and the one person who has had been my husband. I want to start appreciating him for everything good he brings and not just focus on the bad.

And the reason I feel rushed to make a decision. It's not him. It's my female friend who swings from I want you to be happy with your husband to I'm so angry you haven't left him yet, faster than I can get my head around one thought process. I need to remove that pressure so I can see clearly how to make the future work.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

She's no friend, OP.

Getting rid of those two will make things a lot easier.

I wasn't close to my husband for about 18 months and thought we would get divorced daily
I used to look at him and feel rage and him too for me
He went off sex with me I was repulsed by him
Lots of cruel insults from both of us
Lots of damage

Now: having happiest time in our marriage
We have three kids
I find him kind caring generous positive (he was so negative and aggressive) encouraging sexy attractive
Having the best conversations in our entire marriage
Wonderful relaxed and open minded sex life
A team

I'm soooo proud of what we overcame
Stay at home mum too. Havent worked for 7 years

@stopbeeping that's amazing!! Please share how you overcame all of that to be in such a better place?

Why don't you just give yourself a deadline to finish the marriage? How long can you carry on? I'm not sure how old your dc are but maybe it would be easier if you said to yourself " just another 5 years, 10 years", or whatever? Then if it's still unbearable, at least you'd know you gave it your best shot.

Considering him as the one person who's had your back over the years says a lot. Good luck OP! X

I think you do g love him as he's not behaving in a loveable way . You're scared of his temper sometimes. That's his doing.
You felt rejected for years after DC and checked out, we withdraw sometimes , it's like a well where they remove bricks and sometimes the love seeps out. And you can't refill it without something massively changing.

We can't answer for you if it will come back.

All we can say is be practical, use this time to retrain and get a job so that you could go off independently and not as a SAHM with no prospects. Go out, make hee friends (platonic) and lifestyle that gives you joy in amongst all of this and get to know yourself and value who you are. Not as these childhood messages are, that you don't get to be you as everyone's health etc depends on you- it doesn't.!!

Don't force yourself to be intimate if it's not what you want.

I also have issues with what you believe counsellor said, are you SURE that's what they said ? or has your DH reinterpreted it to you in talking it over and over so that you believe it? Even though he may be mistaken? No counsellor would say "you not loving him enough and expressing doubts is causing his anger and punch walls... they would say it is difficult to live with uncertainty but that it is his choice whether to act on HIS anger and punch a wall..,

two very different things...

*Don't not "do g"

OP I'm Glad that you feel you have more time than you realise. Your DH is prepared to try at this present time and hopefully will give you suave your breathe and not expect intimacy you don't feel it. (Never force yourself or give into pressie to do this as it will kill dead any real feelings may have in future)

It sounds like this female friend is pushing rushing you for her own reasons. She might be right but is suspect where she's coming from, how can you separate her (maybe unintentional) agenda? Maybe she's not the healthiest if people to be around as she has a stake in the outcome that can be ignored.

What I was trying to say before in previous post, is start to make a good life for yourself. Be selfish if that's how you see it, but it isn't, it's self worth work to find out who you are, develop your career and make new good separate friends built on shared hobbies and experiences.

Negotiate with your DH so that you get more time off from SAHM for hobbies and time to do your thing that makes you Happy. Find yourself

Then whatever decisions you make will be about knowing yourself , knowing what makes you happy and coming from a position of clarity and strength, not fear.

Space to breathe (not suave .. yada yada!)
I wish we could edit on MN for first 2 mins after posting as mobiles' autoincorrect can go crazy!

It's great he os supportive you feel and willing to give you space. Use it wisely . That doesn't mean use it with outcome beholden to your DH. Use it for you x

Maybe shes jealous of your relationship with your hubby and shes wishing that she had the same thing?

Sounds like maybe you do love your hubby after all and things will work themselfs out.