My husband says to use him and it doesn't matter that I don't love him

[IfOnlyLifeCameWithAManual]

Our marriage hasn't been the best over the last five years. For three years after our dd5 was born there was no intimacy, and now it infrequent. There's been arguing on and off over the years that hit a peak in March where he punched a wall.

Since then my husband and I have both reined in our arguing and we've attended marriage counselling. I can see he's trying his hardest and I like to think I am too, following the advice of the counsellor in terms of date nights, focussing on why we got together etc. The marriage counsellor kept saying in each session that my husband loved me and worshipped the ground I walk on and I need to value his worth. That my inability to be sure about staying married was causing him anxiety which was coming out at anger. I ended up ending the counselling because it just kept making me feel frustrated and upset.

I just don't love him. And I'm filled with dread when I imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I didn't feel this way 11 years ago when we married.

My husband says we can get it back. I've told him I'm not in love with him. I suggested we nest and coparent to reduce the impact of splitting on the children. But my husband says we can get it back, we can fall in love again and he doesn't care if I use him in the meantime as a partner. He also pointed out,and as I keep reading on forums here, the impact of divorce would be massive for our children and I can't support them on my own as I'm a sahm with, I'm rapidly finding out, few job prospects. I will miss my children massively if we split, every birthday and Christmas. I can't imagine telling them were splitting. I know they won't have as good a quality of life if we split.

Can we get it back? Do I just keep on holding out and doing the date nights/flicking through photo albums? I've tried the saying something to be grateful for him each day.

I really for you OP - your childhood sounds quite toxic. Your SD telling you you were responsible for your dads death is horrific.

I dont think you’ll fall back in love with your husband, no, if anything it’ll get worse as resentment builds. It’s for you to decide whether a lifetime of being with a man you don’t love or like, and the misery that will lead to is worth putting up with in return for better financial stability and seeing less of your dc’s. You sound thoroughly dejected. 💐

I agree with this tbh. It’s not popular on MN but I do think that IF you get on well from a practical perspective and IF you genuinely believe the anger outbursts are in the past and IF sex is not expected ever (three big IFs) then cohabiting and coparenting in a platonic way could be the least bad option. At least for now, as BuryingAcorns says, while your kids get older, you get more secure job-wise, etc. See how it goes.

I would stop focusing on your feelings and marriage (and other potential partners!) and take this time to retrain/make yourself employable.
NOT looking around for other relationships.
For what it's worth, I know a couple with kids that added other people to their relationship and it was a shitshow when they all broke up.
So weird for the kids.
Focus on making YOU as independent and as strong as you can be. Focus on your children.
NOT on your need for a relationship.
I would live as friendly co-parents until you can provide a stable home for those kids independently.
Please don't just thrust them into a different unhealthy relationship dynamic.

First thing I would focus on is doing some training and/or getting a job. I bet if you were earning you wouldn’t even be considering staying. You would be long gone. Once again, a woman choosing to trap herself and even worse, her kids, in an unhappy home.

Did your husband and counseller know you were having an emotional affair with this couple?

He punches walls, doesn’t really want sex but watches porn, and you fancy a married couple??

I would have no feelings for someone who could be like that because you wouldn’t be able to trust him, not really.

I think you should split up.

Stop this relationship with this couple. You need individual counselling . For all his faults it's not fair to keep someone hanging on who loves you but you don't. Keeping in contact with this couple is clouding your vision.

Don't people fall in and out of love multiple times with their OHs? Thats happened to me a lot of times , I love him as in friendly and father of my child. The romantic feelings come and goes. Life is not a Disney movie.

Exactly this.

Sorry for the silence.

To answer questions:

Disney movie - I guess that's part of my question. I probably am expecting life to look different and just being friends and making life work is what marriage is about. Just need to make it work.

Emotional affair - fair point. But yes, our therapist was aware and was trained in polyamory. My husband is aware of everyone's feelings on this, I've been honest with him. He even OKed me seeing my female friend just not her husband a year ago (and even agreed to the latter in a moment of desperation two weeks ago, although he doesn't mean that deep down I don't think). But honestly that's so complicated and I've caused such a mess there. I'm pretty sure I've caused arguments in their household and I don't want to be that person anymore.

Not starting other relationships - also a very good point. Moving in with the other couple is not an option anyway anymore, but it would have been very disruptive for everyone involved, adult or child. I'm very aware of that.

I do rely on them a lot as I have no support network here (family are far away) and although I know some mums and a couple of dads to say hi in the playground, I've drifted away from school friends, old work colleagues and even preschool mum friends as we've moved away from them all. I ended up in hospital recently while my husband was away and they ended up looking after the kids. I feel like I'm using them but feel a bit lost with what I'd do without them. And also what I'd do without my husband. What do single mums do if they end up in hospital?

Training and getting a job - I start a 9 month training course in a week which has job prospects at the end so there is progress and some hope there.

And yes, I am absolutely petrified of going it alone. I've never been alone; I met my husband when we were 17 and we've dated since we were 18. He's scared of being alone too. But he's more positive and optimistic than me at the moment. He says it's silly to throw everything away if we can make it work. I'm pretty sure I have depression too right now. I will find a counsellor and try and get my head in a better place.

Thank you for all the advice. There's a lot to process. I think step.one is getting my head in a better place. Because I am overly negative.

^Emotional affair - fair point. But yes, our therapist was aware and was trained in polyamory. My husband is aware of everyone's feelings on this, I've been honest with him. He even OKed me seeing my female friend just not her husband a year ago (and even agreed to the latter in a moment of desperation two weeks ago, although he doesn't mean that deep down I don't think). But honestly that's so
complicated and I've caused such a mess there. I'm pretty sure I've caused arguments in their household and I don't want to be that person anymore^

Please don’t take this as meant unkindly, but your feelings for this other couple may be coming about in some way due to your past. This emotional affair of yours sounds far more complicated than ‘polyamory’ as a done thing, or a simple. sexual preference. Your dependence on them is a problem in
too. It feels as though you are a mixture of being their child while at the same time being an almost threatening adult within their family and yours.

Getting your own counselling, job, network of friends without being co-dependent, needs to be your priority imo. As does self -care, in the form of small treats, walks, interests etc

As it is, it doesn’t sound as though leaving your husband, or going to live with the other couple, will sort out your life per se.

I am so sorry as you seem so sad, and seem to feel so hopeless and confused, but wait until you have made yourself stronger. Next steps should fall into place if you do that.

There is no excuse for anger or violence in a relationship. None.

The fact that a counsellor suggested that his bad temper and aggression was your fault is absolutely appalling.

Anger is a perfectly legitimate emotion to feel in any situation, including close relationships.

Aggression and dealing with anger poorly is not ok.

I think it's worth pointing this out, given that good advice for OP is to self validate everything she feels, and she might be angry too. That's fine.

Maybe you could go on the single parent threads and ask people for advice on how they went it alone and what it was like. Especially if there are people who like you had been in a relationship since their late teens. You could also contact Gingerbread the single parent charity for practical advice.

A relationship counsellor will advocate for the marriage or relationship....if you're trying to figure out whether to stay in the marriage, then you do individual counselling instead.

Your heart is not with your husband..you're interested in other ppl and quite frankly, posters are mollycodling you here, because I guarantee you, that if you posted a as a man.. and revealed your affair and desire to be with this couple...you'd be slated.

The counsellor was communicating something that you may be unaware of...but if you don't want the marriage, then be clear about it. Some people go to counselling as a tick box exercise....to say they tried... when they were already checked out....or half out.

I agree that anger in itself is fine, but punching a wall and then receiving validation for your actions from a counsellor telling you it wasn't your fault you lashed out and punched a wall, because your wife provoked you... that's not okay.

My exH used to say to me: "Why do you do it - why do you keep on making me so angry? If you didn't make me angry I wouldn't hit you, would I?".

I'm sorry that sounds horrific. I'm glad he's your ex husband and I hope you're in a better place.

My husband and I had a heated discussion this morning and I told him I couldn't go on with the marriage. After some angry words and tears though he came back and said I haven't tried hard enough and that if I was less depressed, angry and more present in family life I would be happier and wouldn't want to leave. So we're trying again, again, again. I feel a bit flat but maybe I am just depressed.

Who would you be trying harder for?

If you can't find it within yourself to feel enthusiastic about a shared future, who does it serve? x

All of us, I guess. The kids, him, me. I've not tried hard enough for the family.

I'm a bit confused by your second question. Who does what serve? What does the trying hard serve if I'm not enthusiastic about a shared future? I think that was his point; I should be enthusiastic and more positive and try harder and then everyone, myself included, would be happier.

I should be enthusiastic and more positive and try harder and then everyone, myself included, would be happier.

Really? Why?

I should be enthusiastic and more positive and try harder and then everyone, myself included, would be happier

Where does this 'should' come from? What rules are you trying to force yourself to live by, here? We don't feel how we 'should' feel, and we can't change it. Our feelings are a reflection of who we are as a person, and if we don't respect that, we're unhappy.

It's like having a plate full of beans in front of you and not liking beans. You don't say 'I should learn to like beans, then I'd be happier.' You just don't eat them, because it's not in your nature to like them, and we can't choose our preferences. If we could, we'd all choose to hate chocolate and wine, love the gym, everybody would choose to be madly in love with their partner, we'd choose to enjoy our children's tantrums and cleaning the toilet etc.

said I haven't tried hard enough

You do realize what he means by that is that you haven't tried hard enough to make him happy by staying. He will only feel you've tried 'enough' when you stay, regardless of your feelings. Seems to me he's giving your feelings and needs very little thought. It's all about what he feels, what he wants.

You don't have to try at all if you don't want to. The reason you're 'depressed' and 'angry' is that you don't want to be there. You are not happy, you don't love him anymore. So leave.

Most people would have divorced you at the first hint of involvement with this couple.

Oh I missed the bit about OP wanting a polygamous relationship and the husband not wanting this but in desperation agreeing to OP having a triad with another couple!