Tell truth about wanting to split or not

[Notsurewhattodooo]

ive been with dh for twenty years, married 15. Two dc, 10 and 13. Dh is a great husband and dad. I am a great wife and mum. However, over the last ten years I have realised I don’t love dh as he does me. He is completely loyal and can contemplate no one else other than me. I don’t feel I love him in the same way. I have raised this every four years or so and suggested we separate as he deserves someone who loves him just as much. Each time he convinces me it is all good. However, I have recently met someone else who I think could be a partner for the rest of my life for a variety of reasons. We have been friends for over thirty years so he is a known person.
i am even more sure now that I need to leave dh as it is unfair on both him and I to stay together .
however, am I honest that I’ve met someone else or do I maintain it is solely about the difference in intensity of feeling between dh and I? I have no intention of other person being introduced to dc any time soon at all and could easily maintain a relationship with the other person with no one knowing .

So I don’t have to tell anyone about other man so that is not a factor in whether I should be honest or not about him with. Dh.

Please just be honest with him, he deserves that at least.

You said you just met someone else but then said you know them 30 years..

Anyway your not, as you put it, a great wife - you've known for years you didn't love your husband in the same way he loved you but had no problem allowing him to waste all those years on you. Don't kid yourself trying to blame him for convincing you to stay, you knew you weren't matched, now your jumping ship with a new man, you've known 30 years, and you are comfortable starting ( or continuing? It's not really clear) a new relationship without even giving your husband, the man you said loves a great deal & describe as a great husband and father, the honest truth.

No one should stay in a marriage when they no longer want too, but you also shouldn't of kept your husband around while you waited for Mr. Right, that's very unfair.

You separate and tell him you need space and time to think as you've noticed you're developing feelings for others. I would leave it at that until after Christmas then tell him youve met someone else.

It is seldom a good idea to jump out of one long-term relationship straight into another. I also think what you are planning could be very destructive on your sons.

So you've known this man for 30 years, does your husband know him, was he a friend from school, uni, work ?

If you tell your husband he willwant to know who it is, it's human nature, you can't give him half the storey.

Are you planning on moving in with OM or waiting for a espectable time as to not humiliate your husband and children too much.

Has this OM suddenly become available I mean why were you not tempted to leave many years ago ?
Be careful if this is the case, dumping the family unit for someone you have held a torch for may be unwise.

But yes tell your husband, he is going to be distraught if he finds out now or in x ammount of time anyway.

A friendship of 30 years you say, how do you know this would become a romantic relationship? Has it become physical already?

Thank you for all your comments. I don’t really want to discuss the other person. Briefly we have been long distance friends for thirty years but with absolutely no romance or flirting at all in that time. A random conversation we had a while ago meant it has developed into a more intense friendship and there is definitely potential for it to become more on both sides. regardless of whether anything more develops with this person or not, I still feel the right thing to do is to leave dh.

I know I’m being awful to dh but I feel it would be even worse behaviour to stay married to him for the next twenty years.

i think this is the option that I will end up taking.

I read the threads about people whose husbands are leaving and suspecting their husband have someone else and wonder if they would rather be told the truth if they were, or not.

I certainly don’t intend to move in with om any time in the next five years tbh-he lives very far away and I wouldn’t cause that upheaval to dc and dh on top of separating.

So you’re having an emotional affair and want to justify it by telling yourself you never loved the man you’ve been with for 15 years? Well that’s a kick in the nuts for him. Yes, go. He deserves better.

My question isn’t whether I should go or not.

I think you could well end up regretting it. There’s no such thing as the perfect marriage or the perfect partner and you are planning to destroy your family for the sake of a pipe dream. Stop daydreaming about the other man and start being the great wife you think you are.

Divorce is essential for some people. It isn’t for you. Look up the effects of divorce on children www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/
and think about being a great mum. The best thing you can do for your kids is stay with their dad and work on loving him as he deserves.

This^^

Basically an example of a woman using the “script”. And no, the fact they may have had crisis in the relationship in the past doesn’t justify this. Everyone in a long term relationship have some form of dissonance about the future.

Absolutely this, you need to give him the right to make his mind up, maybe a trial separation with you leaving the martial home.

I think you are setting yourself up for a disaster. I’ve seen it before - women dreams about someone else, divorce, new fella she is with gets bored after a year or so, women left on own miserable, ex-husband has moved on with younger wife, then you are left on your own regretting your choices. I have literally seen it 3 times happen with friends. Don’t do it 😣 Work on your current marriage, get couples counselling, don’t give up.

It's the script!

More helpfully, if your DH has denied your feelings or requests for separation in the past, telling him about the OM may get you the response you're looking for this time.

Your drip feed puts a different spin on how I was going to answer.

You have no intention of moving on with the relationship with the OM in the next few years, so that is a red herring. You should just separate, not mention the OM but also understand that the relationship with the OM may come to nothing. Easy to talk about being in a relationship but acting on it is quite another.

Thanks again. I realise it could easily become ‘the script’ which is what I’m trying to avoid. I genuinely want to do the best by dh. Whatever I do is going to hurt him, horribly. We have had counselling and I have had counselling . None of which changes the fact that, fundamentally, I don’t feel as intensely about dh as he does me. And it’s not fair to stay married to him.

And I absolutely have tried to have this conversation at least twice with dh over the last eight years.

The om isn’t a factor. It’s more of a catalyst I guess. But even if nothing comes of that in the longer term, I still don’t think kits fair on dh to stay .

As you’ve told him you want to leave multiple times and not actually done it he’s probably not going to take you seriously unless you tell him you like someone else more. That’ll probably rip his heart out but it’s the truth.

I’m not dreaming of a life with another man at all. Quite the opposite-I know full well it would be a life as a single parent for a good long while. Any potential longer term thing with om would be a long way off. What chatting to him has shown me, though, is the deeper emotional connection that I feel is missing with dh. I’ve spoken to dh about this before. Dh is very self contained and self reliant. I am not. It’s fine most of the time. But sometimes I need to be needed by my partner. I need to feel useful, emotionally! And dh doesn’t need to feel somehow at fault for being himself for the rest of our marriage.

Both so true I was thinking this is the script. It would be a rare long term relationship where you couldn't find something over the years that you could point and say see I didn't you or a way to make it your OH fault.

You chose to stay OP, you don't get to pin that on him Considering what you're about to do to him please have the decency to own your behaviour and not say things like "I told you I didn't love you as much" as if that excuses anything. It would be really low to put that on him. As for your question If it was me I'd want to know the truth.

Why have you been having deep emotional chats with another man while you're married? Who is this OM and why do you think he's going to wait around for you for years?