Tell truth about wanting to split or not

[Notsurewhattodooo]

ive been with dh for twenty years, married 15. Two dc, 10 and 13. Dh is a great husband and dad. I am a great wife and mum. However, over the last ten years I have realised I don’t love dh as he does me. He is completely loyal and can contemplate no one else other than me. I don’t feel I love him in the same way. I have raised this every four years or so and suggested we separate as he deserves someone who loves him just as much. Each time he convinces me it is all good. However, I have recently met someone else who I think could be a partner for the rest of my life for a variety of reasons. We have been friends for over thirty years so he is a known person.
i am even more sure now that I need to leave dh as it is unfair on both him and I to stay together .
however, am I honest that I’ve met someone else or do I maintain it is solely about the difference in intensity of feeling between dh and I? I have no intention of other person being introduced to dc any time soon at all and could easily maintain a relationship with the other person with no one knowing .

Unfortunately, OP, your children may not agree with your self-declaration of unselfishness.

How old are your children ?

Do you plan to tell them of the om. You will say no, but I should imagine they will see you and him at some point and put 2 and 2 together.
Not telling them may alter their decision, they may wish to stay with their father.

If your h has not been abusive in anyway they may prefer his family unit to yours, they may not wish to have any other person to consider. And you are re -writing history, saying you never loved him, maybe he did love you more than you him, it is with this you should be careful.
You have obviously been in a marriage where you have been considered and cared for, whether you realise this or not this has increased your confidence.
You are heading for a different dynamic, where you think you care or love for someone more, you actually sound infatuated and are not thinking rationally.
This man could break your heart, if he was violently in love with you he would have stopped his life 30 years ago and fought to be with you.

It appears his circumstances have changed and you are convienient, he has clicked his fingers and you have decided to blow the family apart. This to me shows you are not in control, of this frienship and your own feelings and actions.
Even if he has been widowed, you must have idolised this man from afar, that's never a great indicator for an equal partnership.

Be also honest about this om, to yourself, yes he's the catalyst, but would you leave if he didn't exist I don't think so.

I agree with another poster who talks of women leaving to be with an adored mm, many times this leads to lonliness, regret and resentment from children. It's tough choice which I don't think you have considered, you are only considering if you should give the reasons why you are leaving.

Just consider things more carefully, don't be just an available shag or emotional crutch for this om till he finds another partner, because that could happen and your children will find you selfish for exchanging their solid base for someone you have worshiped from afar, whether that is for his emotional depth or his physical prowess.

the om hasn’t clicked his fingers. There is a lot more to it but I’m not going into that. It is very unlikely dc will see me with om within the next two years at least due to location. And we are still only friends.

i have read every response and will think carefully about how to proceed. Thank you to everyone for their responses. It’s been very helpful.

And I have never said I didn’t love dh. I have, and do. My concern is that it is not as all encompassing as his love for me. I have read the responses about this with interest. Some of them have been insightful for me.

i have read every response and will think carefully about how to
proceed. Thank you to everyone for their responses. It’s been very
helpful.

Straight away you have wanted to shut the conversation down about considering the om, at least think about some of the consequenses of your decisions for you and your children.

And your children will know instantly that this om is more than a friend.
Children are not stupid.

I hope the OM is single.

I know children aren’t stupid. I haven’t shut down conversation about om but I don’t think I can say much more about it. I agree he may be the excuse I’m looking for to leave my marriage: he may break my heart and it probably won’t work out in the longer term. But he isn’t the reason I’m looking to leave my marriage. He really, really isn’t. Dh knows of him from decades ago but they are in no way connected or even acquaintances. There is zero chance they will ever come into contact by accident. If ever they did, it would only be as a result of a planned meeting.

and I have thought about the consequences for me and dc. Especially dc. My parents divorced, horribly, and it really affected me. It was the way they went about it that damaged me though, not them splitting up.

and I haven’t worshipped om for years, nor him me. We have a long lasting mutual friendship. It is only within the last few months that we have discovered a deeper connection that hasn’t been evident previously. We are still only friends, albeit very close ones now.

Is he still married, the om ?

Whatever you decide to do OP - be honest. You are not being fair. You are dangling a good father and husband while you decide what you want. It is not all about you and this power you have to make or break your man is quite wrong

But he isn’t the reason I’m looking to leave my marriage. He really, really isn’t.

Be honest, would you be considering this, if this friendship did not exist ?

People very rarely break up a family unit without there being a replacement relationship of some sort.

Have you considered waking up on Christmas morning without your children? Them wanting to live with their Dad full time and see you EOW and maybe one day in the week? What if he remarries and has more children or step children and your children just love it at Dad's house?

This was the reality for my friend who left her marriage as she sort of felt the same way you do. She is in a relationship but the children prefer being at their Dad's.

Once they reach early teens the courts listen to where children want to be. If you have an argument or set harsher boundaries in your home your children have somewhere else to go to to punish you. Just all things to bear in mind if you choose to end this marriage.

Have you ever had counselling? When a marriage is in trouble you turn into it, not out of it. I am not sure why you are saying you want to be on your own. The only thing is so that you are available for OM. I agree with the above poster about questioning you setting your Dh free to be loved by someone else. What if he never does?

OP, if your DH were to meet someone else and he became devoted to her in the way you say he is devoted to you, (i.e. she would be his Number One, not you anymore) would that make you happy?

Also, @Notsurewhattodooo what do you mean by you 'need to be needed' by your partner? I've heard a man say this before but never a woman.

Honestly? Yes. And that is what makes me know I need to leave.

I mean I need my partner to need me emotionally. I want to know my partner values the support and acknowledgement I give him. Dh is not very good at this as he is so self sufficient. He doesn’t really need me at all. I wrote him a lovely card detailing all the amazing things about him, not that long ago. He knows I’d love a similar one back. But I haven’t got one. It just doesn’t occur to him. He’s not deliberately cruel or unkind. It’s really hard to articulate .

I have considered these things, yes. I have had loads of counselling, both individually and with dh. Some of it helped and we undoubtedly communicate better as a result.

i do think I have some issues in terms of my parents divorce and being wary of being dependent/reliant on another person myself . So I potentially have always kept people at arms length emotionally to avoid being hurt. But I’m not sure .

Wow, don’t hold back! It’s not anything like you have described but you are entitled to your opinion.

@Notsurewhattodooo I truly wasn't trying to be awful just pointed out the possibilities of future decisions made by children who do not realise how hurtful their actions can be toward either parent.

Interesting you say about keeping people at arms length. I wonder if you feel like your love is ever good enough for someone else? Your Dh seems really happy with you. So why isn't it enough?

Thank you -I know you aren’t trying to be horrible, unlike the previous poster…
I really don’t know why it isn’t enough. I have honestly done lots of counselling and soul searching but I think there does come a point where I need to accept it isn’t, and that the right thing to do is leave. I accept full responsibility and will leave the marital home etc.

That's harsh but your not wrong & OP says she likes honesty. I agree 100%.

I wouldn't mention anyone else in any shape or form.

If you do go ahead, keep this man away from your children completely if you do not want them to put 2+2 together.

If they do join the dots you could absolutely lose their love and respect.

Do not take it for granted.

If your husband tells them it is all you ending it, expect them to take it hard and blame you.

Any hint of OM could finish your relationship for years, if not forever.

Some children are NOT forgiving in this situation.

Proceed with care and great caution.

I know you aren’t trying to be horrible, unlike the previous poster…

I wasn’t trying to be horrible. But living with someone you claim not to have loved for years, only to plan on leaving them because of a recent message or whatever it was, from someone you’ve “recently met” but have known for 30 years…. all sounds like lies already.

You could have left in the past because it was the right thing to do. Now you’re planning on leaving because someone else has caught your eye.

You know that honesty is the correct thing. But you’re saying that you can get away with not mentioning the new man, so wondering if you should keep it a secret etc.

Your post is not about how you have selfishly decided to split up your family and pursue a new relationship. A lot of it is blaming your husband for how he’s responded in the past to you claiming not to love him. Victim blaming almost.

People who leave relationships only when they’ve lined something else up are cowards. You’re not being honest with him, yourself, etc. You’re escaping one relationship by distracting yourself with another. It’s not right and it’s not honourable