Tell truth about wanting to split or not

[Notsurewhattodooo]

ive been with dh for twenty years, married 15. Two dc, 10 and 13. Dh is a great husband and dad. I am a great wife and mum. However, over the last ten years I have realised I don’t love dh as he does me. He is completely loyal and can contemplate no one else other than me. I don’t feel I love him in the same way. I have raised this every four years or so and suggested we separate as he deserves someone who loves him just as much. Each time he convinces me it is all good. However, I have recently met someone else who I think could be a partner for the rest of my life for a variety of reasons. We have been friends for over thirty years so he is a known person.
i am even more sure now that I need to leave dh as it is unfair on both him and I to stay together .
however, am I honest that I’ve met someone else or do I maintain it is solely about the difference in intensity of feeling between dh and I? I have no intention of other person being introduced to dc any time soon at all and could easily maintain a relationship with the other person with no one knowing .

I’d like to point out I absolutely have not got something else lined up! Om lives 1000 miles away for a start. And he is still only a friend. If you can’t be bothered to actually read the whole thread, why reply?

No he is single and has been for a good while. He’s had dates etc but hasn’t wanted another relationship.

I know and that is why I want to act sooner rather than later!

I disagree completely that I’m blaming my husband. I don’t. At all. I was making it clear I had discussed it previously to any involvement of the om. And I have never said I don’t love dh. Or that I haven’t loved him. I have and do. Just not in the same all consuming way he does me.

And I’m trying to be honourable by leaving before anything does happen .

But you do have om lined up, that doesn't mean your going to run off and move in with him but you know you have him as an emotional crutch to support you and tell you your not a bad person & make you feel better for doing something shitty to your dh and by extension your kids.

You know om will take your side and allow you to delude yourself with these excuses that basically lay blame at your dh's feet, I mean cleary it was dh's fault you stayed for 20 years and strung him along... he should have expected this eventually- your happiness is more important etc etc. ..... deflecting blame straight from the script.

Your only leaving now because your involved in an emotional affair and want to know if you should at least give your dh the honest truth. I don't think your capable of being honest to your dh, when your not even being honest to yourself. Your already setting the stage to place blame on dh and your drip feeds are just feeble attempts to try and cover that up. Your original post speaks volumes, you said you want to leave because you met someone else, but that's OK because you never loved dh. But now your switching that narrative saying its not about om and you won't be with om etc etc.

If DH left me, I’d far rather he said “I’ve got feelings for someone else” than “I just want to be on my own, not with you.”

explain the difference between a long lasting mutual friendship and a very close one?

Does it involve what you talk about or what?

As regards your husband yeah I do agree you need to do him a favour and be honest with him.

I’m in a similar situation to you, although I’m not married and my children are slightly younger. Although I’ve not made a decision to leave it’s been on my mind a lot and I am in a bit of a muddle over it all. I hope everything works out for you, we all deserve to be happy

I personally wouldn’t leave for someone else. You could end up disappointed. At the end of the day you aren’t happy. You need time alone to work out who you are and what makes you happy.

It almost seems like you want the security of a man, but may have difficulty actually relating to a man/men.
The OM relationship seems to be a great idea because he's not actually in a room with you several hours a day.
You can intellectualise and daydream it into the perfect relationship.
He probably talk with his mouth full too and will turn out to be just as humanly flawed as your DH.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I have read and absorbed them all. We seem to have moved away from my original query so I’m not going to answer any more questions as I don’t feel the direction the thread is going is a helpful one, in terms of focusing on the om, rather than my original query which was about whether to mention him or not to dh. I have taken on board many of the comments and have a lot to ponder.

I would like to message you privately but don't know how to, I am in almost the exact same situation!

Some of the replies on here are absolutely ridiculous and judgemental.
Marriage isn't an exercise in endurance with always the woman self sacrificing. Human relationships are complex and life is extremely short. I completely understand the need for emotional connection and support that goes both ways. It's something I've never had in my marriage and I am working out how to extract myself from my situation before it destroys me.
You can separate amicably from your husband while ensuring that the welfare of your children is paramount.
This is 2022 and the responses you've received make me never wish to ask for advice on here.

Just to add, my advice would be don't mention the OM to DH and keep some distance from him (ie stop contact for some time) whilst you make a decision re your marriage without your feelings for him clouding your rational judgement.

But most of the backlash op is receiving is because she isn't just simply walking away from the marriage. I think everyone would agree she should certainly leave the marriage.

Its the fact that she says she was gonna leave before but didn't, she knew years ago she wasn't compatible with her husband but only now, since she's been having an emotional affair, is she finally ready to drop the husband and lean on om as an emotional crutch. If she took the plunge 15 years ago to walk away not only would she be happier now (or not) but her husband, which she said is loving and great, could have move on in his life and maybe found a more compatible woman to settle down with that loves him equally. She is cruel because she new this was coming years and let him waste those years on her because he's deeply in love with her.

If a man did this to a woman we'd call him cruel, why is there a double standard here?

My friend is In exactly the same situation as you. Maybe this is her?!!! My friends husband has never stood a chance in the last 10 years as she has been hankering after her old friend!! She thinks she is in love with the old friend and has been for years but too emotionally weak (her words) to tell her husband and be honest. Meanwhile her husband knows something is wrong but won’t tackle it so everybody is living in limbo. My advice do the right thing - why should your husband be second best? He doesn’t deserve it

You said at different points that you need your DH to rely on you emotionally and that you're wary of letting people get close. I'm wondering if the later is part of the reason you've ended up feeling emotionally distant from your DH. Add to that you've formed an attachment for someone who is physically distant from you. It sounds like you might have some attachment issues, probably from your parents divorce. You've allowed yourself to become close emotionally because OMs at a physical distance and you couldn't have a real relationship for a few years. WWhatyou're feeling might be nothing to do with either your DH or the OM. The OM is safe to be open with because he's nowhere near you. It might be worth your while reading up on fearful-avoidant attachment style. The worst outcome here would be if you actually love your DH and could be happy together but you leave him because the way your childhood has shaped you means you struggle to let people close. No idea if that's anywhere close to how you're feeling, but given you're about to blow up your marriage it might be worth considering every possibility first.

If the new man lives a long way away, it would be horribly upsetting and unpredictable for your children to move from the marriage to a relationship with him.

I think you ought to stay in your marriage until the children are older. Your husband already knows that you don't feel as emotional about him as he does about you, and he hasn't plumbed the depth of that statement and worked out what you mean or decided it's a deal breaker. It's not a case of giving your husband a fair chance to be happy by informing him, as he must know already.

This new relationship might only have mileage to be a fling. You'd then be on your own, potentially, or in a non-serious relationship with somebody else new. It would be a lot of upheaval for the children and not a very satisfying exchange for you.

OP have you considered the practicalities of actually getting divorced?

could you for example afford to live on your own, move out, start from scratch?

with regards OM I think you should tell your H you’ve developed feelings for someone else, and it’s made you realise you can’t carry on being married to him.

your H deserves to know that much, otherwise he’ll go crazy wondering why you’ve suddenly upped and left when you’ve not done so before.

@Notsurewhattodooo

Haven't read the entire thread, but I picked up on something. In your initial post you say you’ve met someone you say potentially could be a life long partner. Then you say - you envisage being single for a long time before you potentially get together with him.

I wonder if you desperately miss an emotional connection which is lacking with your DH. You see this someone as a solution - but I’m wondering if the fantasy in your mind is the reality of what would happen. It sounds confused to go from: life long partner to : being single for a long time - plus there is a great distance between you. Are you messaging him online? Because I think it’s very easy to create a fantasy situation that way v’s reality.

I think you need to be very careful as this will detonate a bomb in your DH and your sons lives. And yours - over something that may not be the reality you hope for.

I do sympathise as I’m in a long term relationship, with 2 children - and I miss an emotional connection. Since having children, life is full of practical arrangements/work/ferrying the children around etc. However - I wouldn’t go back to the time in my life where I was experiencing the ‘deeper emotional connections’. As I was insecure I’m so many other ways about my future. I’d rather have the security and my children.

I'll just answer your question. Yes you tell him.

You tell him the absolute truth. Don't cover anything up. The alternative is him blaming himself for loving you 'too much' and he could take that kind of bs into his subsequent relationships.

Give him the truth and he'll realise it's a YOU problem and not a problem with him, a man who just loves his wife and family and is dedicated to them.

A lot of what you have written here resonates. Thank you.

I personally think you should try and mentally take the other person out of the equation - there are no guarantees and if it doesn’t work out then would you still want to be separated from DH? The fact you haven’t been feeling it for so long suggests you probably do. How do you feel about possibly being single forever? If that doesn’t phase you then I would keep the OM out of discussions with your DH. Or you could tell him (if he inevitably asks) that there is not someone else at the moment but there is the possibility of it in future and you wanted to be honest with him.
but if you can truthfully say to your DH you are not leaving him ‘for’ someone else then I think do that, then when you are separated it’s your business who you spend your free time with