Tell truth about wanting to split or not

[Notsurewhattodooo]

ive been with dh for twenty years, married 15. Two dc, 10 and 13. Dh is a great husband and dad. I am a great wife and mum. However, over the last ten years I have realised I don’t love dh as he does me. He is completely loyal and can contemplate no one else other than me. I don’t feel I love him in the same way. I have raised this every four years or so and suggested we separate as he deserves someone who loves him just as much. Each time he convinces me it is all good. However, I have recently met someone else who I think could be a partner for the rest of my life for a variety of reasons. We have been friends for over thirty years so he is a known person.
i am even more sure now that I need to leave dh as it is unfair on both him and I to stay together .
however, am I honest that I’ve met someone else or do I maintain it is solely about the difference in intensity of feeling between dh and I? I have no intention of other person being introduced to dc any time soon at all and could easily maintain a relationship with the other person with no one knowing .

My neighbour is in a similar situation. He just told me that his wife of 25 years (two adult DC) wants to end their marriage because she's coming out as gay. I'm not sure if I feel sorry for her for living a lie for so many years or annoyed that she's made him live a lie. Poor man's completely broken.

Thought I’d update. I visited om five times. Had fun but it made me realise all the things I truly value about dh. Told dh what was going on but also didn’t tell the whole truth etc. the whole truth is now out. Dh understandably devastated and furious. However, I have had intense counselling and can see how and why I ended up in this situation (a lot relating to my upbringing). Dh is willing to listen to this. Dh has said we are officially separated and is casually seeing someone else. However, he is also receiving counselling and at the end of feb we will discuss whether we are both willing to give the marriage another go. Until then we are taking it week about in the house with dc. I accept I have behaved abysmally. I tried to do what I thought was the best thing in a shite situation. My counselling is proving immensely useful in understanding myself along with some serious thinking and reflection on my part.

so I am cautiously hopeful dh and I can work it out. Although it has been a truly awful time, I think bizarrely dh and I are communicating better than ever and may possibly come out of it stronger than ever before with a renewed sense of commitment and appreciation of each other.

Whilst I wish you the best of luck, if I was in your husbands shoes I would not want you back and I would push for divorce

I completely understand that. I am exceptionally lucky in that dh has always been the most decent person I know. And we have a long history and he knows the impact of my family on me. The ball is absolutely in his court now. The transfer of power is interesting.

So:
Your husband loves you more than you love him. As one party often does, and you're the fortunate one.
He knows this and is fine with it.
You have a good marriage.
You've met someone you think (on the basis of a conversation after 30 years as a pen pal) is your happy ever after.
You don't intend to have a relationship with this man, and there's nothing in your posts that indicates that's on offer any way (?)
So you're going to leave your husband with all the disruption that will entail.
It all sounds a bit like a solution looking for a problem to me.
You're perfectly at liberty to leave your husband for any reason you see fit, but personally I'd only do that if I thought I'd be happier alone, as another man's lawn is often no greener.

Apologies didn't realise this was old. Good luck to you.

Thank you.

Wow he moved on quickly didnt he if he’s seeing someone already. He’s either on the rebound, trying to make you jealous or I don’t know what. I understand your feelings as I felt like that about my ex. We started off as friends so I never had that instant attraction. We separated over something else and I’m in a different relationship now, only a very new relationship. But it’s already made me realise what was wrong in my long term relationship. I fancy my new bf so much and can’t get enough of him, and vice versa. I never felt this way about my ex. It’s been hard to let go of the relationship fully; we even went on holiday together with the kids for over a decade. Kids are grown up now. One an adult, one a few years off. I genuinely hope my ex finds someone who truly loves him. Good luck, I’m not sure getting back with your DH sounds like the right thing, unless your feelings have genuinely changed a lot.

Wow he moved on quickly didnt he if he’s seeing someone already. He’s either on the rebound, trying to make you jealous or I don’t know what. I understand your feelings as I felt like that about my ex. We started off as friends so I never had that instant attraction. We separated over something else and I’m in a different relationship now, only a very new relationship. But it’s already made me realise what was wrong in my long term relationship. I fancy my new bf so much and can’t get enough of him, and vice versa. I never felt this way about my ex. It’s been hard to let go of the relationship fully; we even went on holiday together with the kids for over a decade. Kids are grown up now. One an adult, one a few years off. I genuinely hope my ex finds someone who truly loves him. Good luck, I’m not sure getting back with your DH sounds like the right thing, unless your feelings have genuinely changed a lot.

I think it’s easy when a relationship isn’t right to be swayed by other people. I think you have realised now you needed to work on your issues. My ex and I were in a crap situation. He started an emotional affair and continually lied. I could have done the same but chose counselling instead. Eventually the truth came out. I had lost trust and couldn’t forgive. Good luck with what ever happens but don’t settle out of guilt. Think about what you need in life.

thanks everyone. I’m not settling. And dh surprised me but he wants to ensure he isn’t seen as ‘poor dh’ by himself more than anyone else, and I can understand his reasoning. I will post a final update in feb with our decision for the benefit of anyone who goes through something similar in future.

Hello. Final update from me. I had a brief and intensely emotional affair with om. When he suggested moving to uk, I realised I absolutely didn’t want that. I have had lots of counselling and realised he represented approval of my family and Scottish community that I feel I never received. I realised I was never going to get it. And that I don’t actually need it. Since then, dh and I have mutually agreed on separation for good. Dh has met someone else he enjoys hugely passionate sex with. I have connected with a friend of a long time and the emotional connection in feel with him is everything I now realise I was missing.

So it’s ultimately sad in terms of my and dh marriage. And dc will find it difficult but they will be ok. but dh and I will both ultimately be happier I think.

my counselling has made me realise how hugely toxic my dm has been and continues to be. I’m getting much better at putting boundaries in place with her and at being super vigilant for similar behaviour in
yaelf towards dc . I’m determined I won’t repeat that pattern. Ex dh and I remain very amicable and I am hugely hopeful we can remain good friends .

Every good wish to you for your future.

Thanks for the update. That sounds positive. Good luck for the future