Tell truth about wanting to split or not

[Notsurewhattodooo]

ive been with dh for twenty years, married 15. Two dc, 10 and 13. Dh is a great husband and dad. I am a great wife and mum. However, over the last ten years I have realised I don’t love dh as he does me. He is completely loyal and can contemplate no one else other than me. I don’t feel I love him in the same way. I have raised this every four years or so and suggested we separate as he deserves someone who loves him just as much. Each time he convinces me it is all good. However, I have recently met someone else who I think could be a partner for the rest of my life for a variety of reasons. We have been friends for over thirty years so he is a known person.
i am even more sure now that I need to leave dh as it is unfair on both him and I to stay together .
however, am I honest that I’ve met someone else or do I maintain it is solely about the difference in intensity of feeling between dh and I? I have no intention of other person being introduced to dc any time soon at all and could easily maintain a relationship with the other person with no one knowing .

I type badly with a sick toddler lying on me. Should say...
It would be a rare long term relationship where you couldn't find something over the years that you could point to and say see I didn't love you or find something that you can use in some way to make it your OH fault.

I absolutely do not intend to put anything on dh at all. I completely own my choices and my behaviour. I know I’m not behaving brilliantly. I will not be making out it is any sort of fault or problem with dh at all.

Relationships do come to an end sometimes. My original question was about whether it was better to be completely honest and open or whether to fudge it slightly.

thank you for all the replies. I have food for thought.

Be honest. He'll be upset. Your dcs will be upset. Chances are the née relationship might feel a bit tainted due to the overlap but it is what it is. You've sort of done it now so you can at least own up. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I know these things happen!

You must have known what your husband was like before you married him, surely? If you knew then that you are needy for emotional chats then why did you marry him if he is not that way inclined? Sorry but it sounds to me like you're creating an excuse - lying to yourself even? - in order to justify your attraction to this OM. Grass is so often not greener OP.

Hypergamy at its finest.

How will this impact your children?

I did know, yes. But I don’t think I realised at the time how important that need in me was. As I’ve got older I’ve become much more self aware and better at recognising what I need from people. I’m really really not looking to set up with om in a new life etc.

i had emotional chats with him because he is a friend first and foremost and I chat about my feelings with my friends. Nothing has ever happened before because we were both in very different places in our lives and we were friends who touched base once in a while. Lately both our circumstances changed and we got chatting about all sorts of stuff. In a genuinely friendship based way. But sometimes you just know when something could go further. it has genuinely been a catalyst in terms of forcing me to look at my feelings again. I have no idea if anything will happen or not.

i know it all sounds very cliched and predictable but it isn’t. Im not pinning all my hopes on other man at all.

but whatever does or doesn’t happen, dh deserves to not have me fucking him
about.

End it with your husband and be single. Then take it from there.

There is zero point staying in a relationship where your heart is not in it. Your husband has known for years, you have been honest with him about your feelings towards him.

It will be painful all round but its more painful to continue limping towards retirement with one person hoping their spouse has a change of heart and the other hoping they die peacefully and conveniently early! (A common theme in long term relationships around me)

It’s definitely not-I didn’t marry up?🧐

You are definitely lying to yourself @Notsurewhattodooo and you don't even know it! When you say it sounds cliched and predictable - it is! You say it isn't, but it so is!
Imagine if you were a man who had posted what you've posted. People would be on you like a tonne of bricks! Asking why the hell you're allowing yourself to have those sorts of chats with OW, pointing out that you're breaking boundaries, and all that.
So your DH isn't perfect. Who the hell is! If you've become more 'self aware' over the years then work through it yourself. What are you going to do if you leave your marriage, get with this other person isn't actually as great as you thought he would be? Is his ability to engage you in emotional support really going to trump a working marriage with the father of your DC?!
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you need to be told as it reads as though youre living in fantasyland atm.

Thanks. I do appreciate the harsh reality replies. I shall think long and hard.

But just to add I fully anticipate leaving dh and it not working out with om. It still doesn’t put me off -I really think dh deserves better. And I’d really rather be on my own than trying to convince myself I feel the same about dh as he does about me for the next twenty years .

And thank you to the posters who aren’t quite as black and white in thinking and can see what I’m trying to get at. And that I really am trying not to be a complete cow.

Jeez, some of the replies on here.

OP your marriage is over. You stayed for the kids (as many do). You've now developed feelings for someone else and are doing doing the right thing by leaving. Do not mention the OM yet. It's not necessary. Focus on the kids and making this transition.

Good luck, and well done for doing something many others are not brave enough to do (the leaving bit, not the OM bit).

@Notsurewhattodooo I am in the same position as you, in that I no longer feel an emotional or intimate connection with my DH. We get along for the kids and parent well but in terms of a relationship, there is nothing left. There is no OM in my situation. I just can’t bring myself to end things.

You havent mentioned at all how this is going to affect the kids. Just because they are teenagers now does not mean you don’t have to think about how they feel and how this will affect them. You chose to get married, you chose to have children. You are not in a difficult marriage, it sounds like you are in a marriage where you are a little bored and a little unfulfilled but long term relationships are not all romance and happiness, they are something you both have to work at in order for them to succeed.

being on your own or being with the OM will not necessarily make you happier at all and it will make everyone else unhappy. You sound pretty selfish and self absorbed to me

I haven’t mentioned dc because there is too much to say about it. I am fully fully aware of impact of divorce on dc.

I think you're not being entirely honest with yourself. You say he deserves better - but why? It is not up to you to decide what HE wants out of a relationship. If you both love each other and want the relationship to work, it doesn't actually matter if he loves you more. You are not "setting him free" to find someone who loves him more. He may never find someone who loves him the way that he loves you, and moreover he might not actually want to. He might be happy with the amount that you love him, and in fact it sounds like he is.

So just be honest. You are not trying to do the right thing by him in setting him free. It's that YOU have decided that you can do better, specifically, that this other man would be better than your DP. That's fine. You should leave if you want to. Don't tell him about other man, no point. Just say you don't want to be with him anymore, which IS the truth. Don't start telling him that actually you are doing this for him, because that's just a massive headfuck.

I am actually one of the least selfish people I know. I can see why you think this though. Obviously it is selfish. But I’m trying to do things in the least hurtful way possible. To everyone. I’d rather separate now, before anything does happen, than leave it another three years and end up doing something really stupid and causing huge amounts of hurt and damage because I can’t see any other way out . I have always been open and realistic about the fact I dont necessarily think marriages are forever and have discussed with dh that if we ever did separate the dc come first. Always. And I’ve never told dc we won’t separate. But I e made it clear that if we did, they would always come first.

Thank you for this reply. What you say makes sense. And is helpful.

In any relationship there is always one who loves the other more, that's just human nature. But in your marriage, do you love him at all? If you love him, it doesn't matter who loves more or less, the love is there. Don't insult your DH by making out that him loving you more is a problem.

From reading your posts, it sounds like either you have low self-esteem and think you are not good enough and are self-sabotaging by saying DH deserves better, or otherwise, that you never did actually love him but there was nothing better on offer so you went through the motions.

The other man is a red herring here, it's not him you are leaving for, it sounds like you know that's not going to work out. But you have intentionally put yourself out there as being available to this other man because you have been looking for a way out.

If there is no love from you for your husband then leave. But genuinely, if the alternative is life as a single parent, living alone, will you be happier? If yes, then leave.

I think he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, I don’t think it is unfair to him to have been in the situation of the past 8 years. We can choose less than perfect partners, like he has done.

Objectively, it’s not an issue of whether splits can be reduced to “black and white”. It is never that simple in most cases even were there was an affair. I know that is unpopular on MN especially on this board. But the reason it is unpopular is because the decision to split isn’t seen objectively by the people hurt by it. They will look for answers.

You will be very lucky if you get away with ending a marriage without being asked if there is someone else. The answer to that is yes or no. This is were the truth could impact on your standing among family and friends. But that impact will be a drop in the ocean if you lie and are found out.

I hope you realise that you are the one who should move out.

If you children come first (a ridiculous assertion to make) why lie to them?

I wouldn’t tell him you’ll only hurt him.

however I also would’ve worked on my marriage or left. Rather than stringing him along whilst I talked to other people in a way that made it clear I was open to something new.

The OM is not relevant to your decision, he is just a distraction. I think had you posted without mentioning this element you may have had more balanced replies!
You should never leave a relationship for someone else only for yourself, and I include your husband in that! You shouldn't be leaving for him, that is his decision to make and suggesting you are doing it for him is a little disinegnuous.

This is about you, and that is ok to say out loud, much as people would prefer you to maintain the status quo.
It is brave to be honest and end a relationship that no longer works for you. I actually think that is braver than the majority who say 'stay'..for the children, for your vows, for financial stability, for company and a myriad of other reasons, all of which weigh heavily and influence people differently.
Ultimately this is your choice but make it for you knowing you will be more content to go forward alone, everything else is just noise and should not guide your decision

Apologies if this has been covered; does your DH know the OM? What sort of relationship so they have and does DH know about whenever you and OM have been in contact having these (unbeknown to DH) deep and meaningful conversations?