Can we just be honest and say many women are trapped

[workiskillingme]

In unhappy relationships /marriages for years due to housing /income

I read so many threads on here advising people to leave their marriage if they are unhappy and live the life they deserve but in reality
A) women are often part time lower earners and wouldn't be able to afford to rent a property by themselves
B) couldn't afford to buy their husband /partner out
C) even if they sold their property and had equity would struggle massively to get a mortgage on one income
D) their other half/husband may more than likely refuse to leave the family home and continue to pay the mortgage so the wife and kids can remain there

Can we please just talk about this very real scenario and how women are meant to try and make it work?

I agree with this

What if the man were to say to the woman, let us trade places, I will stay home and do 100 % of the housework and all of the tasks related to children care and maintenance. In return you must enter the workforce and earn what I earn , and provide all of the things that I provide.

How many SAHMs do you think would rush to accept that offer? I often hear women saying that if they went
to work all of their earnings would go for child care. But in making the choice to not work, they sacrifice work-related benefits, payment toward pension plans, opportunities for upward mobility in the work place, and the possibility of being able to adequately provide for themselves and their children should the need arise. Give the divorce statistics, that is a pretty big risk to take.

Oh, you mean for him to stay at home and "enable her career"? I am guessing no sahms will want to swap...

*It’s men that need schooling on parental responsibility, the mental load, not putting their careers before their wives.

Women know all this. It’s the patriarchal system we’re stuck in that shafts us*

many women support it though.

every woman who goes pt or gives up work because “my salary doesn’t cover childcare”, or because they can afford a sahm, or whatever reason is taking on all the wifework and enabling that man to reliquish responsibility in favour of being the provider.

if women want to change that they need to stop giving up work at the earliest convenience and taking on the parental responsibility and mental load voluntarily.

then there’s the women who buy into the stereotypes and “men don’t see dirt” etc.

If they want a parent at home there are other options such as both partners reducing hours- something that I rarely see.

if you want your partner to step up with the parenting you have to let him. Insist he also works flexibly to do the school run, renegotiated his hours etc.

the patriarchy also works for women in divorce, as it’s rare for a man to be RP. And women know this. They don’t want to give up their children, especially if doing so means they lose their house, need to get back to work…

@Notanotherusername4321

Yup

Stop making sense, it's Mumsnet. You have to have a baby with every "partner " of two weeks or so.

100% - I knew I wanted to work part-time when we had little ones and my career would be taking a hit that my husband's wouldn't. Marriage was a no brainer for me prior to having kids. It provides a legal protection for women/primary caregivers. Plus both names on the mortgage obviously (despite in my situation DH contributing far more to it financially as he greatly out earns me), shared savings etc. I trust him more than anyone else in the world, but if he left me or I needed to leave him for whatever reason, I'm not being screwed over because I spent years taking care of our kids while he worked.

Yes, I very much agree. The words is just not designed for women at all. But at least in the UK its much easier for many women to leave those relationships than it is for women in many other countries. The financial side of things seems to be a lot better and there are charities that help making the move.

No wonder so many women regret children.

if you want your partner to step up with the parenting you have to let him. Insist he also works flexibly to do the school run, renegotiated his hours etc.

And if they say no? Like mine did? Despite making all the right noises beforehand?

And 'let him' followed by 'insist he'

This is the problem - he needs to be the proactive one here - not me 'letting him' or 'insisting that he' - you're putting the responsibility onto the woman again - who already has enough responsibility for herself, and taking on the responsibility for the kids that he is shirking (with the alternative being the kids suffer)

the patriarchy also works for women in divorce, as it’s rare for a man to be RP. And women know this. They don’t want to give up their children, especially if doing so means they lose their house, need to get back to work…

Because of continuity for the kids. Where is the continuity if they're suddenly expected to spend 50% of the time in 2 new homes with each parent vs. 95% of the time with mum in the family home?

This isn't for the mother's benefit, it's for the childrens. And the solution? Men step up and take on 50% of care throughout - they might find that that reduces the likelihood of relationship breakdown too..

I'm sorry but "there's no fate but what we make for ourselves"

*There are some (males and females) born into extremely difficult situations and I feel terrible for them, but (number picked from the air) 90% of people are in charge of their own success. Libraries are free and success depends solely on the effort you put in.?

What a blinkered, privileged attitude. This implies that people are neatly divided into two groups - ones who can achieve 'success' (presumably in the form of a very well-paid career) and those who can't because they were born into 'difficult situations'.

This is nonsense. In reality, what proportion of the non-extremely-difficult-situation population do you think is intelligent and fortunate enough to get one of the limited range of very well-paid jobs available? You don't have to be severely disadvantaged or lacking in ambition to end up in a job that's not enough to comfortably support you alone, never mind and dependents, especially in the current economic climate. This is the reality for many average, determined, hard-working people. Just deciding you want to do well in life, and working hard for it, does not remotely guarantee a good job or financial security.

if you want your partner to step up with the parenting you have to let him. Insist he also works flexibly to do the school run, renegotiated his hours etc.

hard to do when said husband comes home a month before you are due to give work that he has a new job (same company) that will take him away for the whole week. Every week.
and is refusing the change again ‘because there is nothing else’

I’m sorry but as soon as a woman has children she is very vunerable. Most men generally (and I mean generally as my own dad is a fantastic father) will not deal with kids, won’t look after them don’t share any of the emotional or mental loads. Usually go off have affairs with younger women as they ‘don’t feel appreciated’ this generation of men aren’t men and it’s very sad. Lots of broken families, broken kids…..

This just makes wonder if man/woman/marriage/living together/kids for months/years/decades is, or ever was the real and natural way to be.

Perhaps we should start appreciating and building other forms of relationships, because this just doesn’t work. And leaves so many hurt people in it’s wake.

But the sleepwalkers often don't listen Those who do seem to thrive

And for most women, staying in the unhappy relationship/marriage is still the better option when all the factors are taken into account.

Well said!

This is so, so true. Sick of reading LTB as the first option on many threads. It's often not an option at all.

when I was younger people used to warn that most people, no matter how much they earn, are just a couple of pay packets away from the gutter. The pandemic proved how true this is.

The best lesson in life I found was that the concept of romantic love and happy ever after was basically just a load of old bollocks and the sooner young girls stop dreaming off this the better. Look after yourself in life is the only message that should be being promoted as you should never leave yourself in a a vulnerable position.

Totally agree.

What do you mean romantic love is bollocks?
I understand it’s not always forever, but are you saying romantic love isin’t real?
Many seem to get it and living it, and want it, keep looking for it, believe in it.
So I don’t understand what you mean…

Some men need that and some women do too. Let’s not just do the usual MN it’s all the fault of men because they’re all lazy, alcoholic, abusive, drug taking, sex worker using, adulterous morons. Some of them are.